Royal Diamonds

A terrorist wants to steal royal diamonds from London as a declaration of modern political dyslexia.

One last Irish politics yarn, and this heist-parody was inspired by the film Patriot Games. Thanks again (signing off now),

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"My name's Isaac Satan. I'm an Algerian-American and descendant of FLN revolutionaries who defied French colonial rule in Algeria. I went to the Ivy League and decided to become an underground operative of the P-IRA (Provisional Irish Republican Army) after dropping out of the CIA. I've been performing bank robberies and munitions transports and field attacks on British police and army barracks in Northern Ireland as the P-IRA sentinel known as 'Green Shadow' (the alias given to me)."

"My current job is the steal the new set of royal diamonds worn by Princess Kate Middleton of the United Kingdom in London. The jewels, specifically diamonds and diamond accessories, worn by Kate Middleton were displayed by her in public when she wore them before being stored at the London Bank in England. I'm to lift them from the London Bank. However, I  intend to create a diversion to throw off the British authorities. This should be fun."

"At noon on Saturday on October 13, 2020, I stormed into the London Cinema (movie theaters) with a group of masked escaped convicts and took hostages. While my dubious cohorts kept the theater held with hostages and the mass of police waiting outside stunned and humbled, I tunneled through the sewers beneath the movie theater by the rear parking lot and made my way to London Bank on my own."

"The majority of British police that day in London were busy dealing with my cohorts who still held up the theater with hostages. I meanwhile made my way to the London Bank dressed now as a businessman with a briefcase intending to open a new account. However, once the bank manager took me inside the vault-room so I could take photos of the celebrated royal diamond collection Princess Kate Middleton wore, I popped open my briefcase and quickly assembled the convenient explosive with black powder fuses and a gas bag inside my briefcase in 2 minutes and told the escorting manager I'd blow up the vault-room with the two of us in it if he didn't allow me to flee the bank with the diamond collection. I left the bank and the manager's company and didn't fear recognition, since I was wearing a fake wig and mustache and beard. I'd managed to procure a rather handsome British treasure."

"I then made my way to an Aer Lingus flight from London to Belfast. I delivered the stolen diamond collection to my P-IRA cohorts in Northern Ireland and explained the collection would not be traced back to me in any way. They congratulated me of course. I then sent a notice to the London Times in which I declared, 'Princess Middleton's extraordinary jewelry collection is in the hands of the P-IRA and our intention is to declare this heist a statement about new age sociopolitical sarcasm in the name of Irish Catholic design'."

"I then hooked up with my Irish gal in Belfast, Deborah Collins, and we made love and toasted my success. I explained my days with the P-IRA were near its end and that I intended to retire with her peacefully and safely in Australia, having turned over my authority within the army's offices over to Debbie's brother Tom Collins and deferring terrorist humilities to Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams. My girlfriend told me she couldn't wait."

"After Deborah and I left and settled in Australia, we noticed an editorial in the London Times online in which the British monarchy declared that all anti-government acts committed with ties to the IRA or P-IRA would be declared statements of terrorism and criminal violations of UK policy and law. However, they also suggested that nonviolent 'sarcastic' heists such as that of the impressive diamond jewelry collection of Princess Kate Middleton from the London Bank by an elusive disguised 'businessman' thief were obviously preferable to outright acts of violent terrorism directed at civilian targets all over Northern Ireland. In other words, King George had obviously declared the Empire's stance on IRA terrorism even in the modern age to be a thing of wondrous if terrible misfortune!"

"As long as Irish Catholic minorities feel suppressed as servants of the government in Northern Ireland and feel they have fewer employment opportunities when compared to the majority of British Protestant settlers descended from generations of English colonialists, the modern IRA will not feel like Sinn Fein has the adequate resources to plea its case to Parliament. That would be why future problems with the IRA would surface and harmless 'media' heists would be replaced by more tragic acts. This is the evil truth of modern stagnation."

Do you think Isaac Satan is a freedom-fighter or a dangerous terrorist? Do you think his allegorical heist of the royal diamond jewelry collection from the London Bank is a sign of anti-governance sarcasm or a sign of dark modern vanity? How can Sinn Fein promote more democratic discussions about peaceful coexistence of Protestants and Catholics in Northern Ireland? How has the Coronavirus quarantine period made us more sensitive about the importance of inter-religious media access to modern sociopolitical disasters? Write to your local politicians online and tell them what you think about this Protestant-Catholic problem in modern times!

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"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)