Donald Clinton

Donald Clinton

“So tell me about how you plan to solve the obesity problem in America. I think I can speak for everyone when I say we are all so curious.” Kathy Roberts, the host of What are those politicians up to now, asked me.

“Well actually, my proposal to solve obesity will also tackle our financial debt and even improve our foreign relationships.” I paused for dramatic effect, allowing my words to create curiosity in my future followers. “Our best, most ingenious, option is to send all of the old and obese people to foreign countries in exchange for a couple hundred bucks. Of course, some of the heavier people may go for more, but the average should be about two to three hundred dollars. There, in another country, our ex-citizens will be eaten by the poor, starving, emaciated people of the foreign country.”

By now, I was excited and speaking in a rush, I knew this idea was the best option for our nation, and I was honestly surprised that no one had thought of it before. Now I would finally get my brilliant idea out to the public, and of course they’d vote for me since I thought of it.

“Wow.” Ms. Roberts seemed taken awestruck by my idea. Her eyes were wide and her mouth slightly open. Clearly, she had lower expectations for me. She had no idea that I would ever have such amazing ideas. “That is absolutely brilliant Mr. Clinton, I am astonished at your creativity with that novel idea!”

I smiled. “Thank you. But that’s not the only plan that I have for America.”

“There’s more?” She asked in a hushed whisper.

“Of course, we still have to solve our lack of guns, potential for drugs, and even our slight debt problem.”

“Great!” Ms. Roberts said with a beaming smile. “But first, let’s check the polls.”

I was ready to see my name at the top of the screen. The polls kept track of how people were intending to vote tomorrow - yes tomorrow is the voting day. They give the percentages of expected votes out of all candidates. The highest that any candidate has gotten the day before the election was 80%.

The screen behind Ms. Roberts and I lit up with faces and numbers; my eyes instantly shot up to the top of the screen.

“Congratulations Mr. Clinton! Currently, we expect you to get 100% of the votes!” The realization that I had just broken a renown record seemed to dawn on her suddenly. “Oh my… You have just broken our record! Now, please, let us know your plans for our nation.”

“Thank you, Ms. Roberts, and I would be delighted to. First, I would like to talk about our current ‘gun control’ issue.” I made air quotes around gun control because I vehemently oppose anything that suggests we need to lessen the number of guns that our citizens have. “In order to level the playing field, we must provide guns to all citizens. Even if they attempt to resists them, we must force them to take them. It is in their best interest to take them. What if their neighbor says something polemical or something they found insulting? There’s absolutely no excuse for people to not have guns.”

“How do you propose we go about distributing these guns?” Ms. Roberts inquired, curiosity filled her eyes, and she was leaning forward so far she was almost in my lap.

“Well we would employ all those who file for unemployment to build MG42s,” MG42s were military-exclusive machine guns that played a large role in World War two. I continued, “Surely, there would be fewer disputes amongst neighbors if everyone knew that their neighbors owned firearms. Imagine how much more peaceful our nation will be!”

“But how will we be able to afford them? I mean, it’s a wonderful idea,” she stammered, but then continued, “but we are already in so much debt…”

I gave her a charming smile, “Oh don’t worry dear, I have a plan for our debt ‘crisis’ as well.” Again, I made air quotes to demonstrate the ludicrosity and overuse of the word crisis. America is not in a crisis for money, we have plenty of money. All we have to do it take it.

I have set up a plan so when I take presidency thousands of thieves will steal the money from the rich - anyone who makes over $10,000 a year is considered rich - and give it to the “people”. Now, of course, before the money can get to the people, it will have to go through the government where we will have the final say in where it goes and how we will use it.

“But I would rather reveal my plan for that crisis at a later date. I’m sure you understand.” I said.

“Absolutely.” Ms. Roberts said, clearly still in awe.

“As for financing the firearm factories, as I have said we will hire the unemployed. I plan on changing minimum wage laws as well - if you are hired by the government - so we can work the factory workers for $0.50 per hour for a beginner and $1.00 for a manager’s position.”

“I can’t believe noone has thought of this!” Ms. Roberts exclaimed, aghast.

“No other presidential candidate was this bold, I believe.” I said, humbly.

“Absolutely not.” She concurred. After a moment she seemed to be prompted by a person off-stage, and she said suddenly, “Oh! I’m afraid that is all the time we have left for today!” Then, she made a sad face, pouting her lips out, and ignoring the camera entirely.

“Well then I ought to be off, but tomorrow, we can begin.”