Greatest Fear

Greatest Fear

My greatest fear is spiders. I’m serious. Who can like those creepy, crawling things that can disappear if you turn away for one second or even blink your eyes. The disappearing part is the worst though because then you have no idea where they are or whether or not they are crawling up your legs right this very moment. The other creepy thing about spiders is that you never know when they are in your house or where they are, though you have to assume that they are there somewhere because those evil things are everywhere. Instead of trying to rationalize my fear, though, I think it might be better to demonstrate it with a pretty recent story.

It was a Tuesday afternoon and I was left home alone - even though it was only for about half an hour - and I was freaking out about what I would do if I spotted a spider. Thanks to my wonderful luck, just as I was finally relaxing and watching a television show, I saw one of those wretched monsters crawling up my wall. The evil thing had to be a foot long and weighing at least ten pounds! Okay, maybe that’s a hyperbole, but seriously it was huge.

Of course, I had no idea what to do, since clearly I couldn’t kill the thing, since that would require me getting my hands near it and that was not happening. So, I called my mother - only after deciding that 911 would think I was joking if I dialed them and started flipping out over a huge spider on my wall. Besides, what would they be able to do? We all know that Jimmy Johns can get to your house faster than the police can. Or maybe that was only proven with firefighters? Oh, that was a good idea, I could burn the spider. Who cares if it starts burning the house down? At least it would kill it!

Anyway, eventually I convinced myself to call my mom, and if she didn’t tell me that she would be home within the next five seconds, then I would consider more severe measures. My mom picked up, and I immediately started sobbing-slash-yelling-slash-maundering.

“You need ot come home right now, there’s a spider on the wall and it’s the size of a watermelon! I don’t know what to do! I can’t kill it and I can’t stop seeing it, because it’s right above the television. The television, Mom! The television!”

“Abigail.”

“No, Mom, you don’t understand, I can’t focus, I can’t - AH IT MOVED!” The devil incarnate on my wall decided to climb across the wall, towards the fireplace, and for some reason that freaked me out even more. Like, if it wasn’t moving then maybe it wasn’t real.

“Stop moving!” I yelled at the spider, my phobia was getting the best of me, I was talking - no yelling - at a spider. Maybe it was the devil incarnate, but it was also a spider, an insect.

“Abigail. You need to calm down. It’s just an insect, you are bigger than it, you can kill it.”

“No I can’t” I said in a hushed, terrified whisper. The spider had stopped moving and I thought that maybe if I stayed quiet, then it wouldn’t move, and I would be able to stay here, watching it, until my mom came home and killed it.

“When are you going to get here?” I asked, sitll whispering.

“Honey, why are you whispering?” She asked.

“It stopped moving. I don’t want it to start moving again.” I whispered simply, as if that made all the sense in the world.

Needless to say, this strange conversation - with me freaking out about the spider every so often - continued until my mom got home.

I couldn’t let myself relax until she got a shoe - not mine, obviously - and smashed the thing to pieces. Then, I cried with relief.

Spiders are terrible things. They wreak havoc on millions of people every day, terrifying them with their creepy insect legs and deformed bodies. In all sincerity, the world would be all around a better place to live if spiders did not exist. I know that some crazy scientists say that they have some sort of positive effect on the environment, but honestly, is the environment worth that much trouble? I would rather support global warming than support spiders. I shudder at the thought of them growing even more in numbers. Spiders really should be everyone’s greatest fears since they are evil beings whose only goals are to terrorize innocent children and adults alike. Which is why I am proposing that we lobby the government to get rid of these awful beings.