journal two

from a prompt in class

            He walked up the last steps and faced the foreboding big gray door. This was it. The moment of his decision had come. If he walks out this door right now, he will never be able to walk back in. He stood there for an immeasurable moment. Thoughts whirled around his head like snow in a blizzard. Most of them were as dark as the night, filled with self-loathing and utter despair. He thought about the past couple of months. His beautiful, funny and sweet wife had left him for someone younger. Someone who could keep up with her as she put it. His son had left him in the dust along with her. He wanted a parent who was fun and exciting.

            ‘Who am I kidding?’ He thought to himself. ‘If someone loved me, I wouldn’t be here right now.’

            He braced himself and opened the looming door. He walked out onto the crunchy gravel and looked all around him. There were buildings much bigger than the one he was standing on now surrounding him and filling his senses. He was surrounded by people. He lived in one of the biggest cities in America. Everyday he passed hundreds of people on the way to work, yet he was alone. He was alone in a universe of pain and depression. He walked right up to the edge and peered down. The street below was so far away the people walking around on it looked like ants on a twig. He stepped up onto the ledge. The sky was a lovely shade of blue with big fluffy clouds stacked one on top of the other like pancakes. There were rich colors surrounding him, but all he could see was gray. Nothing was lovely anymore to a man whose family had walked out on him.

            Without a chance to second guess himself, he put one foot over the ledge and let gravity do the rest. Immediately he was over the edge in a tunnel of wind spiraling out of control. His limbs flailed every which way, his mouth and eyes grew dry and began to hurt, and at the same time he was at peace. The ground seemed to grow and grow coming up at him like a bullet. But at the same time as it was going by so fast, it was if he was in slow motion. The falling seemed to take years.

            At this point in time, he heard something. Ring, ring, ring. With shock he watched as his phone tumbled out of his pocket and caught up in the wind as well. He reached for it listening to it ring. In horror he watched the screen mock and torture him. The last thing he saw before he hit the ground was his son’s number flash across the screen and then as he impacted the ground with a sickening thud, the pain and new-found regret in him washed out of his body as the life from within him was taken. 

Author's Note

please give lots of feedback. obviously the man wouldnt have time to process the phone at all but the point is him regretting the jump.

Reviews

[Madeline Anson]

I really really liked this writing piece, Abby! You used fabulous descriptions and a lot of vivid similies that contained rich imagery. The only thing I have to say ( and this is kind of more for future references-you didn't really do this here) is to make sure you avoid getting too caught up in the descriptions, since yours are so good. Remember to focus on describing important things in detail, and everything else in lesser detail (:

[Abigail Shell]

Thank you!