Lost

A girl...

Away from them, 

drowned by her perceptions,

To no avail she turns away her back on them.

She craves for nowt for she's lost everything to reckon upon, 

No one by her side, 

Nobody knows her pain, 

She knows.

Being alone conceivably might keep her sane enough,

When she's lost away in the oblivion,

Only then she realizes, 

She's indeed lone,

None to be seen but darkness so numb.

Now she's got no one to turn to,

Pained cries echoed through her barricades,

No faces or faults through the pits of silence tumbling soar.

Author's Note

I don't know why I wrote it exactly, but it is about a girl who is just lost.
What do you think about it?

Reviews

[JayG]

• I don't know why I wrote it exactly, but it is about a girl who is just lost.

Context is the single most important thing in writing, because without it the reader has only words in a row, meaning unknown. And, a critical tool in ensuring that is doing your editing from the chair of a reader, who lacks context that you don't provide.

When you read this piece you begin reading it with full context context. And your understanding is guided by your intent. But, context must be provided, and intent doesn't make the page. So, pit your own pre-knowledge aside and look at this as your reader must:

• Away from them,

Them? Here is where you lose the reader, because for a reader "them" could refer to: the kids; the family.; the co-workers; the fans; the... In other words, it's meaningless as read. And, we cannot retroactively remove a reader's confusion.

• drowned by her perceptions,

I give up. Who's "her?" Mom? The boss? Mother nature? The possibilities are endless for the reader, specific for you.

• To no avail she turns away her back on them.

Is that figuratively, or literally? You know. The "she" knows. The "them" know. The reader? Not-a-clue.

You're presenting this using the nonfiction reporting skills we're given in school, and that's getting in the way, because it's a dispassionate, "Let me tell you," approach that doesn't work in a medium where the goal is to entertain.

They've been refining the skills of poetry for centuries, so take advantage of that. As Wilson Mizner put it: “If you steal from one author it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many it’s research.” So, research. 😆

A great starting point is Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook, which you can read or download on the site linked to below:
https://www.docdroid.net/7iE8fIJ/a-poetry-handbook-pdfdrivecom-pdf

It's filled with little gems, like why we sometimes use the word rock, and at others, stone, for the same thing.

Juat keep in mind that what I've said has nothing to do with your talent, or how well you write. So, hang in there, and keep on writing

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

---------
“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

[Davidgeo]

There are dating apps you can use to find a partner. You don't have to take your incel frustrations out on random writers on social media writing sites. IF you really were what you role play as... you'd have a real job... prolificly conveying your passive aggresive reage through "advice" on sites like these would be beneath you. But here you are... again and again... man, who do you really think you are fooling? Ha... it's pretty obvious. You should seek therapy in the real world my "friend".

[JayG]

Child, I have grandchildren. Long ago I found a truly wonderful woman. So I have no need of a dating app.

You make the mistake of thinking that I care what you say about me. I'd have to respect your poetry for that. And based on the number of comments you're getting for your work, I'm not the only one.

Be very careful not to enter a battle of wits unarmed.

[Davidgeo]

I'm sure you say things like that frequently. Most people who actually feel like though, don't feel the need to so desperatly use it as a defense for their online BS. Like I said before... who do you really think you are fooling? I mean this - seek therapy Jay. It's not too late.

[JayG]

• I'm sure you say things like that frequently.

Kid, you have no clue of who am or what I say and do. You're making assumptions based on nothing more than ignorance

You make the childish assumption that because you believe something it must be true. But demonstrably, you're making vast assumptions based on half-vast data.
-----------------
“Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that ‘my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.’ ”
~ Isaac Asimov

But that aside, since you feel you know so much more than I do, I've just posted a piece of my own.

So, we'll look at your latest posting, Vomit. They start on the same day, to be fair. So, we'll let your great poetic knowledge demonstrate how many more comments It will get.

[Davidgeo]

You can keep trying to play mental gymnastics... but your actions over the years betray your condition. you are just an unhappy dude. I do hope you figure it out. You really are wasting what little talent you do have on this idiotic little mission. If you really had a point... this wouldn't be the site you chose to make that point. You are just here because of this site's small regualr population. Not enough people like me exist here. Otherwise, you'd adapt your personality disorder accordingly. Again... like I said before... who do you really think you are fooling? My guess... is yourself. Which is why I earnestly implore you to seek therapy. I don't think you are aware of your disorder and why your actions are... well... sad and pathetic here.

[Davidgeo]

Why don't you review my Jay? It's pretty awful and quite easy to take apart. Afraid of something perhaps? Ha... like i said before, who do you think you are really fooling Jay?

[JayG]

• Why don't you review my Jay?

You meant review me. Don't let anger cause you to forget to edit.

But you make the beginner's mistake of calling it a review. In fact I do critiques.

But again, since you' know so much more than I do, I'm sure you poem will get many more comments than will mine.

[Davidgeo]

You are just embarrassing yourself at this pont. Harping over internet comment typos? Are you a teenager? Grow up Jay

[JayG]

Funny thing, child. For all your bluster and spite, you've not seen the author of the piece complain.

So you're in the stupid position of attacking me for saying something that the author hasn't objected to.
Don Quixote is tilting at windmills once again.

[Davidgeo]

Is it a funny thing? You seem upset about it more than amused. I think you might be confused again.