Wedding Party

Went to a wedding party recently.

           

The chill of the air hit me the moment my heels hit the concrete. I took a few steps out to the railing and stood, looking down at the boats floating in the murky water, tethered faithfully to the poles that kept them from floating out to the darkness beyond. Music drifted upwards, the cheery sound of a lone guitar accompanied by a few men singing, merrily expressing their enjoyment of the fair spring night. Above the sky was black and cloudless, the tiny flecks of light harrowing down to our small world, flickering out of our very existence as we walk so calmly through our lives.

I walked down the stairs and down to the drive, my body floating with each step I took, light as the air around me; though I cannot say my soul felt the same. The spotlight left me visible as I passed to join the shadows, becoming less vulnerable, or possibly more vulnerable, depending on how you look at it. Either way, it was comforting. There was a fence, and beside it, a large stone block to secure it in place. I sat on it and breathed in the cool air, letting it fill my lungs and bring solace to my senses as my hair tussled in the wind and tears ran down my cheeks. I could feel every atom flow through me, around me, in me, the stuff of stars, of every life that ever was and ever will be, falling through existence, an inescapable, pointless battle in which we are all part of. But in the end none of it matters, as we live and die and love and breed, the feeling of being so insignificant that my body is made of the same matter as the rest of the world, the universe, only in a different form. The feeling that is the blessing and the curse of my life. Such matters that govern one’s being, but even in the knowledge of it all, I am still a victim of it, not being able to escape the emotions of living in the world of humanity.

I could hear and feel the blood rushing through my head as I sat there, my heart still beating faithfully. The wedding party went on, and as I looked up I knew friends were up there dancing joyfully, not a care in the world as alcohol flooded through their veins and the beats of the music repressed their thoughts. I could only sit there and watch the lights spinning on the walls, a delicate dance, since that music could not be heard from where I was. But such is how my life goes, never on the inside, always observing, thinking, even though it often pulls me into a pit of despair of which I cannot escape. And now, even when I try to live for the moment, I cannot help but see things with just a touch of uncertainty and doubt.

So the tears still ran down my face as my foot dragged through the gravel and I turned my gaze to the water. In my mind I could feel myself slipping off the heels and walking down the boat ramp into the icy abyss, even further feeling the beauty of my world. And even from there to keep walking until it consumed me completely, into a world of frozen harmony. But though I greatly desired it, I knew I still had time here. To my left and beyond the fence a ramp rose into a road, of which beyond I could not see. Normally I would not venture into the night alone, but curiosity and carelessness overruled this night. I slid across the stone I had been sitting on until I was on the other side of the fence, and slowly began to walk up the hill, my heels clicking in unison with my stride. It was then I remembered how horrible my night vision was, and as I looked at the world around me, everything in a blur, I wished I had brought my glasses.

In the distance the blue light of a lighthouse faded in and out, blinking lazily. It reminded me of Gatsby and his green light, but unlike Gatsby, I had no hopes or dreams to find on the other side.

The road twisted and I found myself in the parking lot, by my car. Ironic. The highway was near, and I watched the steady stream of cars and lights that were passing at every second, listening to the whoosh of air they left as they rushed by. The highway was separated by a fence, of which before another road was paved, the road that I suddenly found myself standing in the middle of, both my feet positioned on each of the yellow lines, one solid and one dashed. My gazed shifted from in front of me to the back of me, searching for cars, secretly hoping that one would show up unexpectedly. I stood there and appreciated the sheer beauty of man’s intelligence (yes, I consider it beauty), how we can transform the world around us, and though it can be a horrible, painful thing at times, it is also wonderful and amazing. And as I was looking and thinking of this, a car’s headlights appeared in the distance. I held my ground as it came closer, and closer, my silhouette getting clearer and clearer to the driver as they approached. In my head I could feel the impact it would make, shattering my bones and sending me into a world of human pain, or perhaps, if I was lucky, darken my world instantly. My heart longed for it, and my feet felt glued to the pavement as the car still approached. But once again I was reminded that it still wasn't my time, so I drifted away, feeling the large gust of wind it left as it passed by. Time to head back to the party.

I descended the hill, looking up at the crescent moon beaming in the night. I reached the bottom and climbed my way over the rock to the other side of the fence, stepping back into the light. I walked for a bit before I saw a blue mass awkwardly moving down the stairs towards me, meeting me. He says he has been looking for me. Took him awhile. If circumstances were different, a while may have been too long. But no matter. We go back upstairs, but as soon as we get there, he decides he still wants to walk outside. So back down the stairs and back into the light. He stops at a little hidden shop I had not noticed before, and says some things that floated around my ears and into the night, before having a chance to burrow deep into my brain. But my body automatically responds without my knowledge, so he is assured I am listening to whatever it is he may be saying.

We walk from the shop to the darkness and he slows, saying we should go back. Why? “The fence says no,” he says. Why? I think, we are not bound by physical limitations. I’ve already been up there. And I believe, so it happens, that this time was the first time in my life I had not been afraid of the dark. But we went back anyhow. I would not argue. A simple human could not understand the complexity I was feeling, thinking, the things I was looking at. One day, I might walk beside a kindred spirit, one who sees how I see, tries to understand the things I feel, one who appreciates my thoughts and who I really am. But not today. One day. So we walk, back up the stairs, back through the doors, back to the wedding party.