Fred the Vampire - Part 1

Fred gets in touch with a blast from his past.

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I

Fred the Vampire hovers outside Heather’s window for a while. She is asleep in there. He can see the curve of her bare white shoulder left uncovered by the duvet, and its vulnerable purity touches him, and makes him thirsty. He goes for it. He taps on the window. Then a bit harder, and she turns over, and slowly lifts herself into a sitting position. Her face smites him to his heart, and intensifies his thirst. She comes towards the window in her nightdress, and stands looking at him, her face still sleepy.

Fred mimes opening a window. She opens it.

“Fred?” she says, “Why are you hovering?”

“Shhh!” says Fred, “Don’t wake your parents.”

“Oh my God! Are you, like, a vampire?”

“Shhh!”

“Oh my God! I had no idea.”

“Can I come in?”

She giggles: “No.” She puts her head to one side, like a bird: “It really suits you. You look great, so pale and everything.”

“So can I come in?”

She giggles again, coyly: “No.”

Fred licks his tongue quickly around his big canines, just to give her a flash of them. He sees her eyes light up.

“So, how about it? Just for a minute.”

“Oh yeah, just for a minute. I don’t think so.”

“I swear. I won’t …you know…”

“You can’t come in unless I invite you, right?”

Fred shakes his head: “But I swear, I won’t…”

Fred is gazing at her thigh, left bare by her short white nightdress. It looks really juicy.

“Good night, Fred. I’ve got to get up for school in the morning. We don’t all get to sleep in all day, you know.”

She closes the window on Fred and stands looking at him for a couple of seconds.

“Tomorrow night,” Fred mouths through the window.

She shrugs and smiles, then gives him a little wave and turns back to bed.

“Damn!” says Fred. So close. He’s definitely in there, he thinks. He’ll come back tomorrow night, and maybe, just maybe…

He’s starving. He unfurls his cape and goes gliding across the sky, a darker shape against the dark sky, looking for something to assuage his thirst. Something that doesn’t have a home he has to be invited into; maybe a sheep or something like that.

 

Reviews

[Mikel]

Not a bad start. There's a nice flow with a touch of humor. I really like how the dialog is done. It doesn't feel forced like many I read. Kudos on that. The only question I have is here: "Fred goes for the window, but he knows there isn’t time." If he came in so fast, Why can't he out manuever a paunchy overweight father? I think that should be addressed clearer, or have him trip or something. Just a thought. I do enjoy this.

[Matthew vonHone]

This is a really good beginning. It has some technical issues, but nothing that can't be worked out. I love the title ... Fred the Vampire ... this tends to give the reader an expectation of something less conventional. Something, special maybe or at least something to check out ... and that's the title alone.

My recommendation would be to explore the light and humorous aspects as you get further in. I admit that I haven't read parts 2 & 3 ... YET ... but I will as soon as I have the chance.

Keep writing,

Cheers,
Matt

[Gabrielle Travis]

Getting straight to it then...you need a lot of revisement. There is something here though that I like, so if you're serious about reworking it, inbox me. This website doesn't offer an option to inline critique.