Jenessa

Part I: Letters to Me

 

Shay Egan

 

I know what it means to bleed. The feeling of blood formulating so much that it slowly rolls off my arm, this is more than familiar. But this time as I drew my blade across my arm in rhythmic precision, things seemed different. My blood seemed thicker and didn’t seem to travel down my arm as fast, as if all the comments and s**t about cutting had finally caught up with me. Like somehow people’s words of concern and sympathy had been collected in my blood, slowing its journey down my arm.

         A hint of guilt lingers in my body every time I do this. I know it isn’t healthy, I know it will become an addiction, and I know if pursued long enough… well I wont be here. But the guilt is what keeps me here; it reminds me to think twice before cutting again.

         I twirl the small blade between my thumb and index finger and take the time to examine my arm. Underneath the fresh wounds, were probably hundreds of scares, and even older scares. They overlapped one another like memories, some more prominent than others. They start from my wrist, and make their way up my arm, all the way to my shoulder. Sometimes I try to count how many I have, but other days I don’t bother. I know if Jenessa were here, she would tell me not to try. She would say that the scares aren’t the thing that matter, it’s why you have the scares in the first place… but of course If Jenessa were still here, the scares would never have taken up residence on my body.

         I look around my room, its crimson red walls covered in poems, and pictures of Jenessa, my favorite picture of us framed by a black dollar tree store frame, hanging on the wall parallel to the end of my bed. She is still the first thing I like to see in the morning, and the last thing I want to see at night. On my door is a poorly stapled suicide letter, typed in Times New Roman font, size 16, 400 words. Not saying anyone but me has, or ever will take the time to read it… but I keep it up just in case one day someone might care again.

         My room is small, in a snug sort of way, in the fact that its only big enough to hold my twin size metal bed frame, a book shelf, dresser, and a wall mirror that I haven’t used in months. My black curtains always cover my one window, but despite the prison cell charm to it, my room is more home to me than any other place I’ve ever been… I mean besides Jenessa’s arms of course.

         I used to share my room with my older sister, before she moved out. Our house is small, so there was no room for us to each have separate rooms, and not like we wanted that anyways. But my sister Sarah has long moved out, and started her life with her A*s wipe boyfriend Jeff. He can go suck it, in my opinion. She’s wasting her time on that slum bag. But you know… if its what makes her happy, then so be it. There are times though, when I truly wish she would just move back home, even if it meant that I slept on the floor, and my tiny closet was filled with her short skirts and crop tops. I wouldn’t mind.

         But Sarah did say when I get turn 18 next year, I can move in with her, so things can be like the old times (minus the fact that Jeff will be there). I guess that is the one thing I still hold onto… the fact that my sister still cares about me, even if Bryan doesn’t.

         Bryan is my father. Scratch that. Bryan is the guy that got my mom pregnant, left her, came back, and decided to take a shot in the dark and try and raise my sister and me on his own. My mom had Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia; she didn’t make it to my second birthday day (my sister was only 6). There are pictures though, of her holding me when I was first born, her tired eyes and sweaty face beaming down at mine. I’d like to think that she loved me a whole lot, but I don’t really know for certain… I hold on the pictures anyway, then mean to me almost as much as Jenessa’s pictures do.

         I miss Jenessa so damn much… Its been only a year and a half, but it feels like its been two lifetimes and then some. Despite the fact that she’s been gone that long though… her image still is vibrant in my mind. Jenessa had a perfect shade of caramel brown hair that she had a habit of putting streaks of dark brown in, but in a way that complimented her beauty. Her face was small, but it fit her… along with her jade green eyes. She was shorter than me, at a proud 5’3”, making her almost half a foot shorter. Her laughter still filled dreams at night, like echoing harmonic composition; it’s my favorite sound to this day. Sometimes I think I actually hear it … but then reality hits me again and I remember that never again will I hear that beautiful sound. Never again will I see my beautiful Jenessa, and never again will I hold her body close to mine. She is gone, and it’s my entire fault.

 

Part II: Agates on the Beach

1 ½ Years Ago

        

         I awoke to the feeling of eyes on me, and wasn’t surprised when I saw Jenessa’s head was resting in my chest, eyes gazing at me.

“You know, I can get a restraining order on you, its creepy to sneak into peoples room at night and sleep with them.” I said in a humorous manner, smiling at her.

         She smiled back, and responded by saying, “Haha, very funny, that’s not what you said last night in your text, begging me to come over and cuddle with you”. She laughed and gave me a quick kiss before jumping out my bed to go take a shower.

         It was more than normal for her to spend the night at my house, and vice versa. There has been times were we have spent weeks at each other’s house at a time.

         I slowly crept out of bed, looking at my messy dark chocolate pixie cut in my mirror before I made my way to the bathroom. Jenessa and I had showered together before, but this morning I decided to skip a shower. Morning showers to me are just as bad as Mondays. Instead I stripped off my T-shirt and boxers and took off the wrap that bound my breasts down, to change them. Meanwhile, Jenessa was singing Pink Floyd in the shower, which honestly didn’t sound too bad, considering the fact that the sound of water drowned out the sound of her voice.

         I took out a new strand of cloth, and began to bind my chest back down, being sure to be precise. Around that time, the sound of flowing water ceased, and Jenessa stepped from the shower, and wrapped herself in my robe. She came over and helped me finish the last part of my binding. She understood that I didn’t really embrace my sexuality like she did, and was fine with that. She gave me a kiss before making her way back to my room. I followed her.

         The next hour was filled with us getting dressed, well mainly Jenessa getting dressed. It only took me about 10 minutes to get myself ready for the day, but Jenessa loved to go all out. She wore a coral pink summer dress that seemed to dance every time the slightest breeze hit it. Her perfect hair was curled and left down. Though she knew she didn’t need it to be stunning, she did her make up and dear god when she was done, I swear I was staring into the eyes of an angel. She finalized herself by slipping on a pair of light brown-jeweled sandals.

         I wore a dark blue T-shirt, and grey skinny jeans with my black All Star Converse. My hair combed, and slightly greased. Jenessa said I looked Hot, but she always said that. I loved it though.

         Today we decided to go to the beach, which was above all else, probably our favorite place to spend the day. I probably have about 6 jars full of Agates that we have collected together there, since it’s our tradition to hunt for them every time we visit.

         I grabbed my small black book bag, and filled it with a couple cloth bags that we would use to collect the Agates, a blanket, some sunscreen, and a Polaroid camera, while Jenessa went to the kitchen to make us some sandwiches.

         About half an hour later, Jenessa and I were walking down the street, holding hands while making our way to the beach. Jenessa said that beauty is made in the brightest part of our hearts, and that’s why some people’s yards looked like the definition of White Trash, and others are a captivating sight. All depends on your heart.

         As we passed by houses, she critiqued them on how well they were kept, saying the people either had “light bulbs for hearts” or “dying lumps of coal”. Moments like these are the ones that never fail to make me laugh.

         The beach wasn’t that far away from my house, so we were there in short time. We went to our usual spot, which was by an old palm tree that had a park bench right beneath it. We promptly set our things down and went to hunt for Agates, “Ooo-ing” and “Ahh-ing” every time we came across a new one.

         For rest of the sunlit day, we searched for Agates, every hour or so stopping to rest and compare finds, not forgetting to each our lunch that Jenessa made. By evening ours cloth bags were filled at least halfway each, with different colored Agates.

         We put our bags away and decided to sit for a while and enjoy the fading sunlight that was still present, as the sun made its way down for the night. Picturesque shades of purple, pink and orange cascaded their way throughout the sky, and I made sure to capture the moment on my camera.

         Jenessa sat in front of me in the sand, my arms wrapped around her waist, my chin resting on her shoulder, holding her close to me. We loved showing affection publicly. The fact that we are a Lesbian couple always brought about certain stares, but we had the same rights as everyone else, and loved showing that.

         I gave Jenessa a kiss on her cheek as a man walked by us. Him making the mistake of staring at Jenessa a second too long though, resulted in a quite angry glare from me, which made him turn his head.

         “Shay?” Jenessa asked.

         “Yes?” I responded half a question.

         “How about you go to the music store and get that Pink Floyd album we’ve been wanting.” She said.

         “Well wouldn’t you want to come with me?” I asked.

         “I was thinking ill stay behind and pack all of our stuff up to conserve time, that way when you get back we can head home before it gets too dark”, said the always logical Jenessa.

         I gave her another kiss on the cheek, and said, “Alright, ill be quick, wait for me here?” I asked.

         Jenessa nodded, and we both stood up together. I gave her a kiss, and she handed me my wallet as I quickly said, “I love you” before rushing off to go get the album. Little did I know, that that would be the last time I ever said those words to her.

 

Part III: Jenessa’s Last Stand

 

Shay Egan

 

         I half ran, half jogged the ¾ mile to the local music store, wanting quickly to get back to Jenessa. I knew she would be okay on her own, but sometimes I felt uneasy about leaving her. I rounded the last corner to get to the store and quickened my pace. I walked into the ‘Jerry’s Music’, and was greeted by and over friendly 26 year old, who was trying to get my attention too badly.

         “Good evening! We recently got a new line of awesome teen music I think you would enjoy a lot ma’am!” the petite blonde said in a squeaky voice. This did well to annoy me.

         “Sir” I said.

         “Pardon?” she asked.

         I got irritated and said, “Sir, He, Him. My pronoun?” I rolled my eyes when she took more than a few seconds to catch my drift.

         “Uhhhhh…” she muttered as I walked off. I made my way down the isles till I found Pink Floyd. I looked for the most recent one, but they seemed to be out, so I reluctantly called for the blonde.

         “”Uhm… hey do you have the new pink Floyd album? I don’t see it on the self….” I asked.

 Being excited at the fact that she was needed, she fast walked over to me and spoke quickly.

         “Hmm well let me see… take a second look maybe you looked over it? …..Hmm nope not seeing it. Hmm….” She muttered still looking. I wanted to smack her. ITS OBVIOUS IT WASN’T THERE!

         She spoke again, “Hmm well I will have to look in back for you, I’m not seeing any here.” She walked away in her 4inch heals. I rolled my eyes, exasperated by her presence. I checked my watch. I had been gone 15 minutes already. Ugh. I hated leaving Jenessa alone. It made me edgy.

         I decided to walk around the store a bit while I waited for the blonde to return. As I scanned the store, I found myself in the back where the “Awesome” new teen music was, and was surprised to find some cool bands, though I would never tell the blonde that.

         I paced the store for another 15 minutes growing anxious. This was taking too long. I needed to get back to Jenessa. At the moment I was about to walk into the back to find the blonde worker, she emerged from the doors, holding an album, looking proud of herself. Oh Lord…

         “You’re lucky! There was one left sitting on a box in back. Lucky, lucky you… is this all that you need or are you still looking?” she asked.

         I shook my head, “Nope that’s all I need thanks.” I said, wanting to speed her leisureliness up.

         She nodded and rang the album up. “$15.99” she said, stating my total. I pulled my wallet out and gave her a twenty. She opened the register, and gave me my purchase.

         I nodded and started to walk away quickly, but she just had to say one last thing.

         “Have a nice day Ma’am… I mean ‘Sir’….” She said, totally messing up, making her efforts practically useless. When I got outside, I found it to be opaque blue outside, representing that the sun had left us for the day, leaving night to its turn. I had been gone from Jenessa for 45 minutes. S**t.

         I started to run the way back to the beach, and overwhelming feeling starting to well up in my chest. Something felt off. I couldn’t place it, but with every corner I turned, I felt like I was that much further away from Jenessa, not closer.

         In what seemed like hours, I finally found my way standing on the beach. I scanned it looking for Jenessa. Where was Jenessa? I started to call out her name, running along the beach looking for her. I ran all along it till I knew I was too far north, then I turned around and did the same thing south till I got about ½ a mile away from where I left her, and I saw something.

         My bag was on the ground, our blanket a few feet away from it. What looked to be mark from someone being drug across the sand was not far away from that. It was hard to see as it was getting darker, but this much was distinct: something was defiantly wrong! I started yelling Jenessa’s name.

         I heard to no response as I ran to where my bag was, and fallowed the trail, it lead to where clumps of bushes were. My heartbeat quickened as I approached. A thousand different fears flashed in my mind… but only one was confirmed when I saw Jenessa.

         Her body lay pale in the sand, her neck bent in an odd way that could only confirm one belief. I rushed to her side tears already protruding on my face. My beautiful girlfriend… her Coral summer dress torn to rags, blood soaking through the thin material. Her skin was showing in so many places that she was essentially naked. Bruises paint her skin like watercolor; they are fresh along her inner thighs and all over her chest and neck.

         I start choking on my tears as I grab my Jenessa, holding her breathless broken body in my arms, crying out her name softy, repeating the same words, “I’m so sorry Jenessa, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry I wasn’t there to save you, I’m sorry my love, I’m sorry baby…”

         I hold her, rocking her in my arms. I hold because I can no longer hold her the same way. I cry out and scream her name over and over again, and someone must have heard because sometime a crowd formed around me and I keep hearing whispers.

         “… The poor girl…” says one

         “She was raped, oh lord….” Says another.

         Someone must have called the ambulance because I hear sirens in the background. I want them all to leave, them don’t deserve to see my Jenessa, the don’t deserve to comment about it. I scream for them all to leave as I held her, her blood seeping into my cloths, her body lifeless.

         My heart started to ache with every since sob, like lightning going through my veins, it shakes me every time I breath. My whole body is in chaos, as I try to take this in. I don’t want to believe this, but every time I open my eyes I see Jenessa…

         The police and medics arrive; I don’t know why… you guys are a bit too late… I was a bit too late. Jenessa never deserved this. This should have been me. She was so beautiful… she never deserved to die, but I do, I am a piece of s**t… My beautiful Jenessa… You never deserved this. They tried to take her body from me, but I wouldn’t let them. She was mine. My Jenessa, don’t try and take her away from me.

         I don’t know when I left her body go, but they put her on a stretcher, and I watched as her body, and rag dress where taken away, illuminated by the head lights of the vehicles. People started to try and help me up, but all I could do is watch as my whole life was being taken away on a stretcher… My love was gone.

 

Part IV: Aftermath

Present

 

I think about Jenessa more often than sometimes… Lord willing if we ever had the chance I would have married her. She was my soul mate, my other half… my everything. And not a single day goes by that I don’t blame myself for her death. If I wouldn’t have left her, that wouldn’t have happened, if I would’ve just stayed. If I would’ve helped her pack up and had her go with me. If I just left the store without the stupid CD. If only, if only, if only….

         I never attended her funeral. I couldn’t show my face there. But when everyone else left, I said my own adieu. My Jenessa… deserved so much more that I failed to give her. Most nights when I can’t sleep, I walk to her grave and talk to her… just so I can hear the silence reply to me.

         I take my small blade that I have been twirling in my fingers… I take the blade and I put it down. My newest wounds blood is dry now, like a portrait that never got finished. I get up and walk to my door, and pull that stupid letter down. I walk back to my bed and lay down on my back, holding the letter to my chest, along with the picture of her that I always keep with me. I want them to know whom I was thinking about during my last moment.

         I pick the blade up with my right hand. I close my eyes and let the darkness fill my mind, as one picture comes into clarity: Jenessa. I take the blade and make three quick deep cuts along my left arm.

         “I’m coming soon My Love, I’m sorry you had to wait so long. Ill be there soon My Love, Ill be there soon Jenessa.” I say, as the melody of her laughter plays in my mind, for the very last time.