Blooming again..

The previous two years of my life have changed me a lot as a person, and I have written a piece of my mental health from last two years.

Today I awoke and realised that I can now talk to myself about what has happened to me over the last two years, it was terrible or not so terrible, but it transformed me into a new person and provided me with a great deal of experience, it wasn't that bad, but it still terrifies me.

Maybe I got through the circumstance physically, but mentally I was holding on so tight that I couldn't let go, and it took a piece of ME with it that I'll never be able to replace.

It still brings tears to my eyes when I write about it or speak about it. But, in any case, I have to do it in order to be free of everything.

A little stomache ache fooled as a food poisoning turned itno my death bed, would it be a better title to it?

I sometimes feel like I've manifested my sickness, it was the first ever lockdown I have experienced, and half of the planet had already in tears, yet I was crying happy tears, why? Because I had everything I wanted: I was dating my favourite human, I had reconnected with old friends, I didn't have to go to work but I still had a job I enjoy, I was eating good food, resting my a*s, trying whatever I wanted, staying nani ghr and everything sweet, and all in the between this happened while I was the happiest kid in 21 years I was diagnosed with something hilarious (lets name it hillarious only).

I was then identified as a 21-year-old girl who was left with a lot of hope that she was fine and that no disease could touch her. I went to as many doctors as I could, went through several machines that terrified me and endless syringes all for that one negative report, but nothing helped. Maybe Karma played a better game, because I did something extremely bad to go through it, and I WAS POSITIVE! My life was on the verge of being broken, I couldn't envision myself as a weak child, but I was weak enough to lose everything I had a few months ago. My work, that favourite person, and pals were all gone, leaving only my precious family.

Depression hit me hard, I wanted to disappear into my dreams, I despised my medications, and I despised everything. I despised myself for being caught up in it.

I went to various doctors just to be told that I will be fine soon, that I am normal, and that I was not a patient. After being in that situation for months, I finally made myself powerful and strong, and I finally started going out, not meeting people other than my family, but I was ready to be that strong kid again, my medication was about to get over after so many months, and I was ready to be that happy kid again, no more doctors, no more medical reports, only a happy kid.

Annddd then I went on a trip, a family trip, and my normal stomache turned into a nightmare, which was fooled as food poisoning I couldn't believe that the battle I was fighting was already the smallest of all, and that the bigger ones were about to arrive, that strong kid would have to gain even more strength to get through it, it felt like last time karma didn't play well, but this time it did.

I avoided the pain because I didn't want to see a hospital bed again, no machines, no medicines, no injections, yet you attract what you don't attract.

I swear death seemed preety much better than asking for an extra life that day within 2 days laying in a hospital emergency bed countless pipes inside my body, was afraid but trying to stay tough inif not to cry, I swear death appeared preety much better than asking for an extra life that day.

Another day, I was in the operation room because my last night my reports didn't worked well and in such a emergency that they couldn't tell me what happened to me they operated me, had a good time with my surgeon before waking up in an ICU.

My parents and water were the only things I wanted that day, and I didn't get either. I was alone, thirsty, and staring at my male nurse, I thanked God for blessing my life. I still believe that death was preferable to living on that particular day.

The next day, I couldn't recall the day or night, but when I saw my father waiting at the door, I pleaded him to please stop and not come inside since it was syringe time, and he couldn't see me go through it, perhaps I was attempting to be a big girl.

I lived in a hospital bed for ten stinking days, and throughout that time, I broke up like anything and then put myself back together only to shatter again. Those ten days transformed me, my life, and everything. I realised there would be a lot of things I wouldn't be able to do for a long time, and I regretted not doing some things sooner if I had known this would happen.

I've been going through another difficult process for months that I couldn't have recovered from without my family, where I almost wanted to die because I'd lost practically everything I had months ago, including my smile, physical appearance, hair, mental stability, employment, happiness, and got back my bestfriends depression and anxiety issues.

But I survived because every time I looked at my parents or family, I realised that they were hoping to get me out of it, and even my doctors helped me get through it. So why can't I help myself by loving myself a little more like I used to, just a little piece of love could heal her, let's help her become who she was, and after months of courage and people's degrading yet motivating comments, I got myself back, my job, and everything I thought I wouldn't be, it took me more than a year to get over it but here I am.

Certainly, there are scars on my body and in my psyche that will never go away, but I now cherish them, and I have emerged stronger than ever.