The Eleventh Hour

when the end isn't far away, lie, but say what you mean

Don't worry mom, it doesn't hurt that bad;
the IV dilutes the pain
so that I'm relaxed instead,
like a lazy dog in the summertime.
The only trouble is that
it often muddles my head;
oh well. But yeah, 
these strands of hair that you see,
collecting all around my pillowcase--
they will grow back in time, they always do.
and pay no mind
to the cavernous hollows in my cheeks,
it rather suits them almost, don't you think?
In any case, I am fine.
It's true, I get thinner every night
but what is the harm in  that?
I'm not emaciated,
and it beats out being fat;
Try to keep the bright side in mind, alright?


Yes, I'm eating well (soup and crackers, if I'm lucky)
No, I'm not alone, every night the nurse tucks me
in; so yeah, it's great.
Sister, tell her not to cry, wouldn't you?
There is nothing to be so sad about,
just give it another couple weeks, and
for sure, once more I will be out,

promise

How is it really? well...those
thirty dreary days gone by,
thirty diff'rent shades of grey...
honestly, it sort of blows.
They crawl on, each hour, its own lifetime,
each hopeful glance at the wall-mounted clock
rewarded only by the hands that  mock
me; do they not ever move?
I'm sure I don't. Maybe they feel sorry.
Maybe they're my earthly vigil, heaven-
sent, disguised angels come to my bedside
waiting patiently for me to repent,
waiting for my soul to ebb,
so they can steal away into starry
night with it. Sister, mom cried,
but you want to know the truth,
here it is:  I know that I'll never leave
this place. I have before, but not again;
my insides disease will eat 'til sated.
Cancer is death, to the doctors' chagrin;
this is the denouement, my end's fated--
inside four ghastly walls will be my grave,
and all the prayer in the world won't save
me....Sorry. I'm getting carried away.
I hate to upset you, you needn't stay
here. Go back home, have some fun, and don't tell
anyone; after all, I've had my time,
so for my sake, please live life well

    promise

Author's Note

This is an experiment for me. I paid more attention to meter and rhyming so it's more structured than my other stuff.

It might look uneven, esp. the 1st stanza; that's intentional b/c it's supposed to read like a conversation, which is also why I favored common speech over 'poetic' language. The narrative is supposed to be suspenseful..is it, or not so much?

If you don't have any idea what the story is about then it means I messed up lol. If you have ever read a Browning poem/dramatic monologue, then you will know what I was going for, but even if you haven't please give me your thoughts!!

Ty ahead of time :)

Reviews

[Jeannette Gaspard]

Beautiful and heartbreaking. The rhyme scheme is a bit uneven in the early lines but I think it mostly works. It does start to feel forced in a few places in the second half. Anyplace where you broke up a thought into two lines for the rhyme. Like the bit about the hands that mock... me. It may just be a personal taste issue but I've always found that device jarring and it knocks me out of the piece a bit every time I have to stop and reconnect a hanging word. Beautiful imagery throughout though. Especially like the lazy dog in summertime line and thirty different shades of grey. I'll be reading more of your work, for sure.

[Tori]

It's Amazing I love peotry telling a story

[Eloha]

This was a little stab to the heart, well done. Great experiment. Original and touching.

[pumpkin head]

such a sad write but yet beautiful if that makes sense.
Nicely written and expressed.

[~LadyWolf~]

Very beautiful ~ So very sad ~ You have an amazing way with words :)

[jessdixon]

This poem broke my heart. I think the double-consciousness by the narrator is a great move; it speaks of truth. Beautiful, raw, sad piece.

[realmwriter]

In THE eleventh hour, I think we probably all fell very similar as this makes it feel. Sitting hear now thinking about it, I wonder what my ex wife must have felt like on the inside when on the outside she was hiding the pain away. No she is not gone from this coil yet but I fear soon she will slip from it. I was there with her when she got the diagnoses. I was there with her when she went through so many grueling rounds of chemo. I was there when the staples from her surgery where removed and after and during all the pain that she felt on the inside and thought she was hiding from me. And now I wonder how much of it I didn't see. I couldn't cut her hair when she asked me too. That's when it hit me that she really had cancer. I couldn't be as strong as I wanted to be. That's when it hit me how weak I really am.

This piece touched me on a very emotional level and as I sit here writing this review, I am balling, inside and out, even in a public place.

[Sethnicity]

This is great writing... I Love it! I understand the topic maybe sour but I find your retort of this torturous experience perfect, Brilliance is found in blunt honesty not flowery pastels on rotting bones and flesh... the truth is this person in my sight survives and continues to live after the recovery... Why they understand the passing of time they are in tune with each moment of existence and aware that the world is still evolving while they wait in rehab and rest. Come what may they are living to the fullest extent!

[Orthrus]

It's beautifully done, blending an optimistic facade with melancholy, melding poetic form with dialogue and a perfect example of voice. It truly exemplifies what poets are capable of, reaching into true emotions and going far above and beyond end rhymes and descriptions of nature. The imagery is very poignant without overwhelming the piece in detail and every adjective is appropriate yet haunting without bogging down the piece. The first half seems soft and hopeful and the second spirals down, going deep and inward with uncompromising sadness and acceptance. There are some strange lines but you've made a great model for everything a poem can be. Excellent work.

[lindsay]

Its really pretty and tears filled my eyes....Im speechless.