God's Silence

from a nightmare.

A lurid vision
of hands clasped tight in desperate prayer
of muffled sobs echoing through a lonely chamber,
hollow, harrowing, haunted
half concealed by tenebrous shadow
a young girl is on her knees.

Before the altar of her lord, she begs:
'Please, don't let them take me'
hot wax creeps down the candlestick
and pools into the gilded saucer
the flame dances cautiously
and chases the darkness away from her,
the still, trembling figure.

Outside,  vile outlines of ghastly things

scatter underneath the moon
from its sick pallor comes an eerie light
that only pierces the ebony veil
just enough to show the church besieged
by an ineffable evil;
a demonic scourge.
They clamor beneath stained glass
and walls of ancient stone,
clamoring for the flesh of the girl
and paying homage to the dread moon.

Inside, the pulpit, where the girl still knelt
grew darker and darker still;
the light of the candlestick waned
and with it, all hope of salvation.
Afraid, confused, again the girl prayed:
'Why are you abandoning me?'
No answer came.
The silence remained.
And the girl would not see sunlight again.

Author's Note

just trying a new approach to writing poetry...I think I'm getting a bit better, but it's still a little unnatural for me. Let me know your opinion :)

Reviews

[((Teenage_Poet_Loser))]

i suck at giving reviews... thats probably a weakness in some writers? I dont know, but really this was awe struck.. i loved that it was a bit unusually written, on the other side of the usual page. The image formed nicely in my head while i read it... i think the fact that emotion lacked a bit made it even more powerful in the sence that her life was not that important? maybe i interpretted it wrong, but thats how i saw it... but dont worry, emotion will flow out of your hand in no time if you write a lot... just write :)

[SillySandy<3]

Woooow. That's AMAZING! I feel like that all the time! I really LOVE this poem!

[TeaNoon]

This is really, quite fantastic. Amazing work. It's hard to believe this is new for you to work with. A reviewer below commented, "it felt like emotion was missing." I can agree with them to a degree. This is a really tough part of writing like this. You can take two roads with narration like this:
1. Detached~the narrator is simply laying out the events, blah blah.
2. Involved~ the narrator is emotionally invested in the events, people, places,etc they are describing.
I think you could have honestly gone either way with this work. So, I'd play around with it, and see which works better for you.
Really great read.

[A. V. Madison]

Wow... and I used to think I was a good poet. Amazing work, Aj. I'm speechless...

[johnnyqueer]

This is dark and really beautiful. The last stanza was really great. Questioning abandonment is something very easy to relate to. Nice write :)

[Orthrus]

The theme is golden, desperation, confusion, fear... abandonment. Its layered well, taken as is its something many can relate to, taken as a metaphor for being abandoned by idols, parents, friends, siblings... its something everyone can relate to. The style fits well with the darker theme, incorporating dialogue and using longer stanzas and breaking in just the right places. Some of the words feel a little out of place I probably wouldn't throw tenebrous into the middle of a poem that has otherwise common language as it stunts the otherwise decent flow. Altogether its well said and moody piece with the right atmosphere and a good step in poetry.

[Fernando91]

Bonechilling, I could feel the despair in the young girls soul, something we all feel and can relate to when faced with an overwhelming reality. Keep writing like this, I think you could write a great story.

[DreyaArt]

beautiful imagery, I like the layout. Make sure you don't force the words, even if they come to you in random layers, use the words that the Gods whisper in your ears, or God, or Goddess or Universe whichever you believe in. Writing has to be truly natural to hit home, for example, I liked the poem, but it felt like emotion was missing. If you think its' hard to give emotion to the reader via written words, it is possible, but it can be difficult. I should have been able to feel something, a connection to the girl, I should have felt sad, but I wasn't. Not convincingly anyways.
Well I hope that makes sense.
Keep writing, your good, but you can be better.
Dreya