I Guess the Joke's on Me

haha. do you get it?

my head is in my hands
my shoulders are slung low
my muscles are all still
my breathing is shallow

the world's laughing at me
but i said i would try
to make an impression
i went ahead and failed
now for my regression
into that thing i am
when things unfold awry

go easy on me guys
i'm made of brittle stuff
things once broken before
just aren't quite as tough

i wanted you so bad
i wanted this so bad
i danced all by myself
i'd never felt so sad

you said you would be there
and i believed you
you said you'd hold my hand
and i believed you
i said it would go well
and i believed it
there was nothing to fear

stab deep into your heart
pour blood onto this page
now it's time to share it
release it from its cage
let us judge its merit...

it reminds me a lot
of a guy i once knew
'please tell me how you feel',
he said to me one day
i said that i loved him
and he just walked away

now the world is laughing
so easily i fell
taken in by a dream
that turned into a hell

god
i'm sick to death of this
i'm tired of this game
this bitter joke grows old
from the start it was lame
so take this stupid life
and package it up nice
give it to someone else
let them roll those damn dice

a stranger on the street
looks at me with disdain
he can't recognize this
a boy alone with pain
he is like the whole world
which doesn't understand
sometimes to carry on
we need a helping hand

Don't look at me like that!
i don't want your pity
just go back to your life
leave me in the city
where people look straight through
see everything but you
that's life in the city
that's life in the whole world

my god i do go on
there's nothing left to say
the world will keep laughing
and in this spot i'll stay.

Reviews

[Alskar]

This reads more like song lyrics than a poem. You use really stereotypical imagery, I must say. That, and you display little grammatical correctness, which for a poem you should always have unless it's deliberately stated otherwise. I'm not sure how old this write is in your repertoire but I'll judge it purely on it's own merits. When you use these phrases and lines and refer to cities and I wanted you so bad and all this sort of stuff, a reader will switch off because I can't stress how overused it all is. There is much room for improvement with this write. How I'd suggest you improve it is cleaning up the grammar firstly, and cutting out all the direct dialogue-like phrases, and introduce more, I tire hearing myself saying it, imagery.

[Kayla K]

Wow, this sounds so familiar to me. I loved it, you put a lot of emotion into it.

[watch_the_world]

I ABSOLUTELY love this. It really shows how u truly feel/felt for this person. Those feelings were very deep I can tell. You're an amazing writer. Seriously. Keep it up. :) thanks for posting :)

[on purpose]

this is the best i've read yet all thereis to say is that i loved it for all the reasons you wrote it!!