Tension

Beth's life, as she knows it, is HELL. If she only knew her attempts to survive it would only make it worse.

            She felt the water running down her face; praying beyond anything in her life that it would run down her throat and drown her.  She could taste the metals in the water. She let the water slowly fill her mouth; allowing her the great privilege of imagining her own death.  She dreams of it.  She dreams of dying before remembering the dreams of her childhood; the nobler and more innocent dreams.  In some, she would be a doctor; saving the lives of those in desperate need.  In others she was a teacher; connecting with children to prepare them for the world they’re about to face.  She would teach them to prepare for the very things that she is facing now.  It’s now more obvious than ever.  How could she teach the children something that she doesn’t even know? She lowers her head and spits the water from her mouth down to the shower floor.  She hears the waters splat on the floor and is somehow reminded of her dreams again.  She keeps her head down staring at her body noticing that she’s even skinnier than before.   She begins to try to tell if she can see all her naked ribs before noticing that she wouldn’t know how many are supposed to be there anyway.   She knows what most people will think; being that skinny is disgusting.   There is good skinny and bad skinny.   Her skinny crossed the line two weeks ago.  She would be quite disappointed but the truth is it is difficult to focus on proper eating habits when the only thoughts going through your head are about how it would feel to slit his throat while he is sleeping.  She tries to think about the positive for a moment before realizing that she really doesn’t care.

            She turns the water from scorching hot down to shivering cold for a moment.  She feels her raw red body under the cool running water.  For a moment, it gives her great pleasure.  Her heart begins to race. Her breathing begins to shallow; she’s surprised that she still can feel uncomfortable.  She stands in the cold shower until her body begins to adjust.  The moment she begins to get comfortable, she turns the water off.  She opens the shower curtain and is blinded a little by the light.  Her eyes adjust and she grabs the towel off the wall.  She opens the towel and begins to dry her face, only to be disappointed by the lack of softness in the towel.  She imagines running a brillo pad across her face.  She then decides to move on to the rest of her body.  She moves the towel up and down her body patting herself trying to avoid the same mild feeling of rug burn on her face.  She wraps the towel around her body and steps out of the shower.   She walks over to the mirror to stare at the fogged up picture of herself staring back.  She wonders, for a moment, if maybe, that mirror image isn’t even staring back at her.  Maybe it came to its senses and gave up on her.

            She continued with her morning routine designed to satisfy Jeremy as perfectly as she could ever dream she could.  Not that she would dream it.  But she prepares anyway.  She moisturizes her face first, which is a very necessary aspect of her routine, especially after scolding her face under the hottest water she can get from that old shower.  She continues to moisturize the rest of her body, dry her hair, and using the usual pumping and prodding to try to make everything look right. The image in the mirror starts to clear up.  She’s still staring back at herself.  A mild case of disappointment slips through her body and she has no idea why.

            She moves on to get dressed for work.  She pulls on the shirt of her uniform.  A “Clean and Go” employee is staring back at her.  To hide her disappointment she instead thinks, a “Clean and Go” employee with no pants is staring back at her. She smiled for a second but she knew that she was disappointed.  She got out of college five years ago.  She had plans.  She didn’t know exactly what they were but this sure as hell wasn’t it.   Scrubbing toilets for the offices most of her friends were already working for was not anywhere in the spectrum of her dreams.  She begins to wonder where it all went wrong.  At that moment she remembers that she already knows the answer.  It has run through her head before.  She stops for a moment and tries to let it go.  She never likes where that kind of thinking leads her. She can’t stop.  She hears knocking on the door.

            “Mom, I’m gonna be late.”

            It was her daughter’s voice.  She prays for a moment that she can get the strength to make it through another day. She replies, “I’ll be right out sweetie.” She looks at the bruise on her inner thigh before she steps into her pants.  It reminds her of how much she hates her husband.  She pauses for a moment to pray that the bruise will never go away.  She pulls up her pants and tucks in her shirt.  She barely notices that the pants that used to be snug on her are now looser than ever.  That doesn’t matter anyway.  She has to get her daughter to school.  She rushes out of the bathroom.

            That day at work, Beth was working with one of the few employees that she could stand. Beth and Amy had been friends for years. While Beth and Amy were driving to their next location, Amy wanted to stop for lunch.

            “I’ve been dying for a burger,” Amy says making Beth’s heart stop.  “Let’s pick something up at Burger Spot.” Beth’s heart doesn’t continue for another second. 

            Beth takes a deep breath and agrees, “Sounds good.” Beth drives the car up to the back of the drive thru line.  There are two cars in front of her.  Amy is trying to read off the menu to pick something to drink.  Beth is trying to focus on her breathing.  She knows that she is overreacting.  Every time she goes to Burger Spot she remembers it.  The cars all move up one.  All Beth can think is that in thirty seconds she has to be cool and collected.  She has to act like her heart isn’t going to rip a hole through her chest.  She keeps telling herself that it’s all in her head.  It’s all in her head.  The car in front of her pulls up to the next window.  Beth pauses out of terror.  Amy smiles and nudges Beth to show her that it’s their turn.  Amy doesn’t notice Beth’s fingernails jabbing into her own thigh just so she can keep some basis in reality.  Beth lifts her foot off the brake and rides up to the window.

            “Welcome to Burger Spot.   How can I help you?” The voice from the box asks.  Beth is silent staring at the menu.  Amy assumes Beth is waiting for her. 

            “Yea.  I’d like a number four combo with extra pickles and uh… a cola.” Amy answers.  It’s Beth’s turn.  She knows it.  She’s wondering how she’s going to speak when her throat seems to already be completely closed. 

            She squeaks out three words, “ice tea please.” She did it, she thinks.  Relief strikes her heart for a moment.  It’s over.  Mostly.  I just need too… dread strikes her heart.

            “Will that be small, medium, or large?” The speaker orders back.  Beth can’t speak.  She knows it’s over.  She might as well drive away now because all she can feel is the hand of Jeremy across her throat slamming the back of her head into the passenger side window as he…

            Amy nudges her, she whispers as if trying not to interrupt a deep thought, “Small, medium, or large?”

            “Large” Beth bursts out.  Relief doesn’t come fully this time.  The voice tells Beth and Amy the price.  Beth begins to drive up to the next window.  Amy comments about letting Beth steal some of her fries.  She seems slightly upset that Beth didn’t order anything.  Beth stops at the next window. 

            “I’ll pay.  Considering the fact that,” Amy’s voice changes for emphasis, “I’m the only one eating.” She hands Beth a ten dollar bill.  Beth watches for the window.  Amy notices the sweat dripping down Beth’s face and her hands shaking.  She assumes it’s just some anxiety with drive thru windows.  She doesn’t say anything.  

            Jeremy was cursing Beth out. He grabbed Beth’s throat and smashed her head through the passenger side window.  This was their first date in months.  Jeremy left Beth. He decided that his life would be decidedly better without a two year old child.   He came back because of a speech his father gave him.  His father said that a real man learns to deal with his mistakes, their child, in a reasonable way.  The reasonable way, apparently being, to hate life and make sure all those around you do too.  He convinced Jeremy to come home to be a father.  It was the worst thing that could have possibly happened for Beth.  She just didn’t know it until that night at the drive thru.

            Beth heard a knock on her front door.  She was playing with Amanda in her parent’s living room.  She went to the front door and opened it.  She expected a friend of her parents.  Her heart stopped.  It was for different reasons this time.  At the time, it was like she was seeing an angel drop from heaven.  Looking back now she sees a man who just wiped the blood that was dripping out his mouth.  She knew that he would come to his senses.  She didn’t think she could raise this child all by herself and he was back to save the day.  It took all Beth’s strength not to run up and grab him to never let go.  She stood there and asked, “What are you doing here?” She was praying it wasn’t to pick up something he left.

            “I think I made a mistake,” Jeremy said.  Beth tried to hide her joy.  She didn’t do very well.  It wasn’t a problem though; Jeremy didn’t care if she was happy.  The conversation continued just like Beth had hoped.  They decided to start it over for a while.  He would take her out on a few dates.  It turned out to only take one. 

            Jeremy took her to his place after Burger Spot.  Beth was led to sit down so Jeremy could look at the back of her head.  Beth pretended for a moment that Jeremy was cleaning the blood because he cared.  She knew it was just because he didn’t want to get caught.  He apologized.  He repeatedly said sorry. Beth almost began to believe him.  He punched her that night as well.  Beth went to the bathroom to spit out the blood and rinse her mouth.  As she spit out the blood a tooth landed in the sink.  She was thankful that it was in the side of her mouth.  She looked in the mirror.  She was clean but disheveled.  It would be the last time that she would look at herself in the mirror and think she looked clean. 

            Jeremy didn’t let her go home that night.  He wasn’t tying her down but he had no intention of letting her go in peace.  They slept together for the first time in months.  After one or two days of Jeremy insisting that Beth stays off her feet she realized what he was doing.  He was waiting for the wound to heal up.  He checked it a few times a day.  That’s when he decided if Beth was better or not.  He didn’t even have the sense to ask her how she was feeling.  Even if he did, Beth wouldn’t have told him how confused she was feeling.  Over the next couple days of being pampered, she pretended that she forgave him.  He said he was sorry.  He probably won’t ever do something like that again, she thought.

            The drive thru window had opened.  Beth was lost in thought.  The cashier saw Beth holding the money out of the window so the cashier just slid it out of Beth’s hand.  This pulls Beth back into consciousness.  Beth accepts the change.  She hands it to Amy.  One by one she takes the drinks.  Then she gets the bag with Amy’s meal in it.  “Have a great day,” the cashier says in a voice that is so happy it makes Beth want to pull her out the window and drag her alongside her moving car.  Beth rolls up her window.  They continue to drive to the last place they have to clean today.

            “Not as hungry as you thought?” Amy asks.

            “I just was really craving an ice tea.  Didn’t need the food,” Beth responds hoping that Amy didn’t hear her stomach growl two minutes earlier.  Amy chooses to let it go.

            At the end of the work day they pull into the parking lot of the “Clean and Go” office and climb out of the car.  They make sure they have everything and head inside.  They exchange a few pleasantries and jokes when they get back in the office.  A few minutes later Beth is heading home.  She walks out to her car.  Sometimes, whiles she’s walking she starts to feel like the steps she’s taking get longer and longer.  It always seems to, almost, throw her off balance but it never does.  As she climbs into her car, she has to take a moment to breathe.  Every day, after work, she needs to pause for a minute.  It’s her way of getting a grip on what she’s about to do. 

            In the next hour she’s going to be picking up her daughter from school and bringing her home to make dinner for a husband she hates.  She would never put it so bluntly.  It’s exactly what she does; night after night.  She’s given up on trying to justify that it would be good for her daughter to have a father.  She knows that Amanda would be better off without him.  She just can’t do it.  She’s careful not to look in a mirror when having these thoughts.  She’s afraid she might hate herself more than ever before.  She might even do something she’ll regret like decide once and for all to leave him.  She starts the car and starts driving to pick her daughter up.

            Only a few days later she’ll regret not enjoying every moment she had with her daughter…

Author's Note

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Reviews

[Taylor Hurst]

I thought it was a very good read. I enjoyed it a lot!

[Aaron]

Thank you.

[MOON]

Poignant well written story , heartbreaking !

[Aaron]

Thank you.