Living a blury life

I realized I had a choice and its weight has been keeping me down. I realized I had wings, but they are sinking deep into the dirt and I’m making sure they are staying there while cursing the weight and my existence. Never asked for any of this. I want out. I would leave the wings, the choice, the dirt. I would leave myself.

I wish I could see the beauty again, I wish I could feel the excitement again, I wish I could feel the air on my face, the smell of it, the touch of the clothes on my skin, the sound of music passing through my body.

It’s just there, I could reach it with my hand if I would take the two steps. Left, right. One, two. But just looking at it is so heavy. I can barely lift up my gaze, let alone my hand. Let alone my feet. I’m in a frozen body. I can’t move it. I’m freezing too.

Why is it so difficult to just be? Why does joy feel like a luxury I’ll never be able to afford myself? Why do I feel wired to sink, to shrink small, so small that I would preferably disappear?
I’m tired of constantly trying to deserve my existence when I wouldn’t even choose to exist in the first place.