Did You Know?

Do you know what it's like to wake up every day, not knowing if you're going to make it through? This is my life. And just a portion of what I deal with because of my depression.

It's like a thousand razor blades slicing you open from the inside.

You can see yourself drowning, though you know how to swim.

Every dream or hope you ever had is turned into dust.

Your mind races with thoughts that you can't control.

Should I keep fighting?

But you don't have a choice. You have to keep breathing.

Not for you, but for them.

But Mama, I don't wanna cry anymore.

I don't want each breath to be a struggle.

I don't want to lay in bed every morning, wondering if this will be the day when it all ends.

I don't want drag the cold steel blade across my skin anymore.

No matter how much each ruby drop makes the pain fade away.

Even if only for a moment.

I don't want to be covered in scars.

Trying to find new places to hide them so people won't question the deep lines of agony forever etched on my body, that serve as a reminder for each tear I cried.

When will it stop?

When will I be able to think of my future in years and not just days?

When will the loneliness not be my only friend?

When will I wake up and not have to swallow down a handful of pills just to keep my sanity?

When will the number of years fighting this disease stop passing me by?

I watched my childhood disappear before my very eyes.

I watched countless hours go by in doctors offices and hospitals as my life changed forever.

I watched my adolescent self choke down a bottle of xanax, hoping it would stop my breathing.

I watched the blood flow as I slit my own wrist and fell to the floor, unconscious.

I watched my mother cry as she walked away, leaving her 12 year old daughter alone and scared in a psych ward.

I watched the face in the mirror change from a person I knew, to someone I hardly recognized.

I can't run.

I can't hide.

I can't pretend it's not there.

I can't be normal.

I have two choices:

Keep fighting

or

Give up.

Which would you choose?