And then I cry about it

like why everything has to feel so spiritual 

when, really, it's just the day after my period

and that means even his breath on my neck

makes me want to use the bathroom

he sits in the corner of the room 

chewing on my pen and I think:

I can't ask to use it again,

he'll think I'm a psycho

like, how do I make it about the pen

'Wait, so you're telling me this is it?

Like this is the assignment?'

scribble scribble scribble

pretty round handwriting

grape Fanta and candy floss cologne

baby, won't you come my way?

only the best music recommendations

Japanese sad songs and pretty boys

God, what have I become?

Hypothetically speaking, what if I'm still 

upset about it?

that's normal right?

to cry about stupid stuff like 

losing in life, right?

It's fine, right?

I'll be okay, right?

I can't decide if I'll be okay

'Basically.' Clear and calm, like a stream

'Did you watch our comeback yet?'

'No, I've been busy working on our assignment.'

he pulls out his Samsung Galaxy

the one in that ad I saw the other day

him chilling on some couch in Korea

with all of the members in his group

what does it even matter anymore?

it must be nice to escape

'I was just asking. I can have my part

done by tomorrow. I have practice in an hour.'

'Do you ever, like, get days off 

or something?'

'Do you get days off from studying?'

'It's not the same, though.'

'How so?' 

'Well... I mean, you're still basically a kid...'

'I'm twenty-two.'

'You like never get days off!'

'I don't understand what you're trying to say...'

how do I put it? do I give myself away?

Does it matter?

what am I even at this point? 

I wipe my eyes and I'm crying all of a sudden

that one song he recommends, all the time,

quivering through the stillness

I'm really quiet about it

knuckles patting at the wetness on my lashes

throat coated thick with his grape Fanta cologne

he stops chewing 

mouth round on the cap of my pen

'Did I say something wrong?'

'No, I'm fine.' A lie. Obviously. You know how it goes...

'Seriously, you can tell me.'

'It's fine.'