Post Heart Surgery Ramblings

Thinking on paper

Post surgery guilt

 

How free can your mind be?

 

Darkness...fear...

 

Darkness as far as the eye can see, nothingness... bliss freedom... fear creeps in

 

I'm in a luxury log cabin with a sauna and jacuzzi and a bunch of good friends, very nice people. but I'm  alone.

 

i participate in the drinking games and dance (as far as my broken self allows) but I'm secretly waiting for them all to fall asleep so i can actually appreciate the freedom that being in the middle of nowhere brings. i step outside and smell the fresh untarnished free air, i listen to the silence, breath in the peace and eventually hear the life of the earth around me.. the soil, damp and welcoming, the trees; dark and impressionable to their surroundings, swaying and breathing and participating in natures breath. i stand and i observe. i inhale on my forbidden post surgery cigarette and i enjoy. i enjoy it all. i enjoy the feeling of the slow controlled drag of the badness I'm sucking into my lungs, and i enjoy the rankness of the slight catch in my throat as i inhale the pleasure of my personal degradation as it fulfils a certain need that i fail to understand after numerous years of succumbing... 

What does it mean to be human? To love and to be loved, in the flesh and in the heart. To want, to care, to understand, to hope, to believe, to hurt and to fear. 

The human; a physical being, weak and brittle, strong and resilient. 

A mere animal, cursed with intelligence and swamped in emotion.