Bite

Bite

 

 

Money too much, children’s laughter;

Fall apart beneath the moonlight.

Make me cry tears of blood, ever after;

I think I want to die tonight.

 

 

Dog bite scar puts pain to skin;

Leave it out and let me in.

Kiss my soul with teeth of barbwire.

Let me remember you within the fire.

 

 

Whisper words of wisdom and lets all jump across to hear them;

Another dead singer living on the edge of oblivion.

Wasting away in a puddle of blood;

Never been in love, because loves no good.

 

 

Whispers scream through echoes of violence,

In the cold dark silence I see them cry.

Smother me with love, because love is blinding.

Drift away into the clouds up above in the sky.

 

 

Want it too much to earn it, or find it;

Give it to me easy, but it’s never enough.

Flew into the sun in search of new sights;

Laying here blinded by God and his version of love.

 

 

Money too much to bring pleasure to me,

Set me free with poetry in poverty.

 

 

Howl at the moon to release the endorphins,

Scream at her now she will listen to you.

Give me anything, but let it be broken,

I have nothing left to give to you.

 

 

Fire raging along the border,

Corner me and I will bite you back.

You want me to be something smarter.

I can’t do that.  Creativity I lack.

 

 

 

(C)2015 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.

 

Reviews

[Davidgeo]

Not bad... Your rhyme scheme holds the attention. It's good you use multiple words to fit the rhyme sometimes, ("...Skin......Let me in..."), a lot of people don't step out of the box with that and they end up using words that don't quite fit the meaning just because they rhyme well.

Last line reminds me of Yoda from Star Wars it does.

[Aa Harvey]

Thank you for my first review on this website. I had feared nobody would leave any reviews. "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."

[Kelly Kat]

Interesting..

I'm always a bit weird when reviewing poetry because I don't like the idea of changing someone else's poem too much. Poems are weird in the sense that they can be strange and confusing and decipherable and still be completely valid writing. That being said, the only things I'll really point out place for improvement is more technical stuff.

Such as:
This line,
'Scream at her now she will listen to you.'
I was unsure whether it should read -
'Scream at her, now she will listen to you.'
or
'Scream at her now, she will listen to you.'
Adding in the comma in this case would help get your point across a little better.. or at least stop the reader from pausing wondering which one it's meant to be (like I did)

Also in the lines where you say:
Money too much.. blabla
I was unsure if you were using money as a verb or if it was meant to read as
money, too much.. blabla
If you used money as a verb in these cases I did like it.. just wasn't sure if that's how you meant it to come across :p

[Aa Harvey]

It means scream at her now she has stopped shouting back at you and is willing to listen to you...I don't know where the comma goes, I don't think it needs one. I could change it to Scream at her now that she will listen to you, but I don't know if that is correct either? Any other advice would be welcome. Also the Money too much line means it costs too much to make children happy etc. and I think that line is fine the way it is. Thank you for your review. Even if I don't change anything, I appreciate your point of view and any future comments / advice you could give me.