Chapter One- Out Of The Nest

 

Chapter One- Out of the Nest

 

“A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

 

As he made his way upstairs using the railing to propel him up.  When he finally hit the last step he stumbled a bit but regained his balance quickly.  “Coffee…Coffee…”  He groaned.  Walking over to the cupboard he pulled down the biggest cup.  He reached out and grabbed the coffee pot and started to pour.  “S**t!”  He yelped as his left eye started to sear with pain, his grip loosened on the coffee pot and it started to slip.  He managed to steady it just before it fell, but not before the hot coffee crashed on the counter, like a wave hitting the shore.  He quickly placed the coffee pot back on the burner and removed his now coffee stained shirt; revealing his muscular body and quite a few small scars.  He started to wipe up the counter with it when a tall woman with raven black hair tied up in a neat bun walked in.  “Sahen!  What are you doing in here?!”  She yelled jokingly, looking between him and the coffee soaked counter.  “You know if you didn’t like the way I made the coffee you could have just made a new pot?” She said laughter in her voice.

 “Sorry” he replied. 

“That’s ok just hurry up and make a new one before your dad gets back in.”

“Were you working in the fields again?  You look like a tomato.”  He said.

“Well I never, don’t you know dang boy dat, dat corn isn’t gonna pick its self.”  His mom said in her best hick impression.  “Well I must be moseying on down to town, gotta be setin up at the market soon.”  She said well taking big steps out of the kitchen.

When he had fixed up a new pot of coffee he picked up his mug and started to make his way back downstairs, periodically swearing as his coffee stubbornly tried to slip out of the rim of his cup.  Once he had finally made it down the small hallway and into his room he set down his coffee on the night stand.  As he closed the door behind him it revealed a small closet he opened it revealing a small old T.V.  The only other things in his room were his bed and a just enough room to squeeze from the door to his bed.  He flopped down face first on the bed and let out a loud groan. 

“Ok two weeks? Three weeks?”  He said his voice muffled from the blanket.  He couldn’t remember when the; what he liked to call “spasms’ of searing pain” in his eye had started, but it was getting pretty annoying.  Rather than trying to figure it out he wiped his mind.  Instead he propped himself up on his forearm and reached in to his bedside drawer to pull out a small purple box.  He and Jamila had been hanging out for almost three months.  He thought as he opened to box to look at the diamond necklace he had brought back from England.  

He had saved up the last three months to buy a bigger TV, but then he meet Jamila Saxon and shortly after that his parents spent all of there savings to go visit family in England and he had spent most of his money on the diamond necklace.  It had been almost two weeks since he got back and he hadn’t called her yet. Alright todays the day!  Wow you sound stupid.   Great now not only am I talking to my self I’m actually answering to!  He pulled his severely cracked cellphone  out of his pocket and dialled her number.

-Ring, Ring…

-Click-

“Hello?” A girl’s voice answered.

“Hi, Jamila?”  Sahen questioned.

“Yes…. And I’m assuming this is Sahen?”  Jamila said giggling.

“Yup that’s me!  Hey I was wondering if you wanted to see a movie or get something to eat or something.”  Sahen blurted out.

“Sure I could go for a bite to eat, when and where did you wanna meet?”  She said happily

“Uhhhh….we could meet at 7-11 at say 5pm?”  Sahen asked.

“Sounds good see you then!  Bye!  Jamila said quickly.

-Click-

“Uh!  Oh…bye?”  Sahen said confused as the screen said call ended.

Wow why was that so awkward?  He thought.  Sahen had always been good with the lady’s in high school.  Well it has been three year since I asked anyone out maybe I’m losing my touch.  He thought before he rolled over to check his alarm clock 3:00PM it said.  “So an hour to get ready, an hour to get there.  That’s plenty of time!”

“F**k! Sahen said as he looked at the clock.  Big red digits taunted him with the numbers 4:20.  Let’s see the bus stop in to town was at least a 20 minute run and then a 30 minute bus ride.  If he left now he’d only be ten minutes late?  He quickly buttoned the black dress shirt he had picked out and carefully grabbed the small box he dashed out of his room and practically flew up the stairs. 

“Whoa!  Exclaimed a very sunburnt man, as he just narrowly avoided crashing into him.  “Where are you off to in such a hurry?” the man asked.

“I’m supposed to meet Jamila at 5 in town dad.”-He breathed heavily as he spoke.

“Well, well you’re finally dating that girl?”  He said as a proud smile crept across his face. 

“No I was going to ask her out tonight if I can make it” he said as he shoved his feet half in his shoes and headed for the door. 

“Wait!” his dad said blocking his path. 

“What?”  Sahen asked trying to move around him.

“I’ll give you a ride in to town I need some more supplies anyways, and its pouring out there.”

“Ok, thank you!” replied Sahen. 

“Now put your shoes on properly and grab a coat.”  His dad said.

As they made there way down the road, his dad’s truck jostled back and forth.  They hit a particularly big bump and his left eye started to sear as it had this morning. You are in danger----”He swore he heard someone whisper something to him, but when he turned his dad was completely focused on the road, so he shrugged it off.

“Well there you go, 10 minutes early, am I an awesome driver or what!  Wait before you go take this.” He said as he fumbled to get his wallet and took out a fifty and tried to hand it to him.

“No I can’t take that we need it for the farm or for that new tractor you wanted.”  Sahen said pushing the money away. 

“No you’re going to take it over to Kate’s flower shop and ask her for the best flowers she’s got.”  He ended his sentence with a big grin and put the money into Sahens hand.  Before Sahen could object he quickly added.  “Alright phone the house when you’re done and I’ll pick you up, now get out.  With that Sahen got out of the truck and careful to leaped over the water that wa parading itself down the curb and right into the sewer grate. 

 

He made his way down to the flower shop, He looked up and read the purple and yellow sign “Kate’s Crazy Flowers!”  The doors chimed as he walked in and he made his way to the counter and waited.  He could faintly hear someone talking “I’ll have to call you back X I think someone’s at the front” somewhere in the back of the shop. 

Two minutes later a short girl with strawberry blonde hair that seemed to go every direction and the brightest sapphire blue eyes he had ever seen stepped into sight, she looked as though she was sculpted from stone.  She had a blue velvet choker around her neck with a huge blue gem in the middle, silver patterns danced on either side of it, on the bottom of the jewel hung a diamond tear drop. 

“Hi I’m Sapphire!  How can I help you?” Her words cascaded gracefully of her tongue. 

“Um hi I’m looking for flowers?  My dad Jack Harris sent me here?”  Sahen didn’t really know what to ask.

Did you say Harris? She said looking curiously at him. 

“Yes Ma’am” he said as he pulled out the fifty wondering where this girl had come from he had never seen here before and it wasn’t like the town was very big. 

“So are these flowers for a special girl or? 

“Yes, I’ll take whatever fifty dollars will get me.”  He said setting the bill down on the counter.

“Tell you what you tell me your name and I’ll give you a great deal!”  Sapphire said getting excited.

 “Um... Ok its Sahen…?  He said confused.  Sapphires mouth dropped open, realizing she quickly snapped it shut.

“Alright you wait here I’ll be right back!”  When she returned he couldn’t see her face behind the mass of Red roses and White lily’s, she walked over to the counter and set them down and started to wrap them in brown paper.

“Alright that will be $30.”  She said appearing to have composed herself.  Sahen handed over the fifty; she gave him his change and he grabbed the flowers.  He said “Thank you.”  Before quickly exiting the store. 

 

“See you soon!!” She called out as he left, looking as if she was about to start running in circles or something.  Well that was freaking weird he thought as he walked back to the 7-11.  I wonder why she wanted to know my name. 

As he waited for Jamila under the gas pump cover of the 7-11 the rain started to ease up.  Finally a small purple hatchback drove up and Jamila stepped out she was a thin girl but not super skinny.  He watched as the wind tugged at her beautiful long sandy blonde hair.  When she turned around she looked at him with her clear ice blue eyes.  She was wearing what she normally did a plain T-shirt shirt under a knitted sweater, a long light brown skirt that ended just above her ankles revealing dark brown ankle boots.  Her body seemed to sway as she walked over to him.  “Hi.”  She said walking up to him giving him a hug and eyeing the brown package in his hand. 

“Oh.  Hey!  How have you been?  Here I got these for you!  You look really nice tonight?”  He fumbled to find the right words to say. 

“Ha-ha.  Slow down!  Thank you so much for the flowers, now where did you want to grab a bite to eat?”  She asked looking like she was itching to go.

“I...I was thinking Falcona’s fancy?”  His words sounded as if they were water spilling off of his tongue unsure of which direction they should go. 

At that her smile started to fade.  “Oh umm…I only have Twenty dollars to spend?” 

“That’s ok it’s on me! “  He quickly replied.  

She looked warily at him then gave in.  “Ok lead the way.”

Author's Note

More up dated version added/removed parts. Please let me know what you think.

Reviews

[Darkening Shadow]

Nice. I would space it out cause it gets a little confusing when I was reading.
For example: "When someone is talking,have that on oneline," soandso said.
"Then when another person talks move it down onto the next line," My Advice said.
It helps space it out and lets readers follow who said what.
Hope this helps.
Good Job!

[AWickedMoon]

Thank you for the feed back I have just edidit it please let me know if it looks better and if i've missed any parts.

[Darkening Shadow]

Ya it works better, but I still think you could spread the larger paragraphs out more. Long paragraphs bother me, but if you like it don't change it on my account. Good Job!

[John Sharp]

Good story. I like the main character seems like a interesting fellow. I like your left eye pain thing could be interesting. Left is evil so lots of good stuff to follow. Did his mom get mad for cleaning up the coffee with his shirt :P might be funny.

I saw a few things i'll just point them out as i see them. I saw alot of ; in your writing you might want to consider changing this to seperate sentences i don't see alot of these when i read books. Maybe add a small section explaining what supplies his dads use.

I noticed this sentence (As he waited for Jamila under the gas pump cover of the 7-11. The rain had started to ease up.) you might want to spend some time covering the environment they are in. I didn't know it was raining ealier

Overall great start you might want to add a few things but sounds like you have good potential here

[AWickedMoon]

Thank you for the great review! I will look in to the supplies part that seems like something i can use later on. I believe the places where I used the semicolon were correct but I will go back and make sure. Earlier in the story his dad said I will drive you he mentions it’s pouring" and later when he's getting out of the truck he avoids stepping in the water: P I will see where else I can add it. I also just updated it. :)

[InkAngelXIII]

Very interesting, I like it so far. Keep it up!

[DarkCrono15]

This is a good start to your story. You did a great job describing the date they had and the rest of the evening. The content of this chapter was good, I'd recommend (just as a minor suggestion) if you're looking to improve it you may want to dive deeper in the character development of the main character, Sahen...what was he thinking on the date, nervous? excited? Stuff like that...

I'm still curious why Sahen heard a voice early in the chapter telling him he was in danger...ah well, perhaps that will be described later in the story.

Also, here's some minor things you may want to look into. Your font changes through the chapter. At times some phrases are very small and then halfway into the chapter, I'd say, all the writing becomes small. I'd suggest making it the size that the beginning of the chapter is...it's easier to read that way. At the very least consider making it consistent.

Also, did your author note and chapter end early or was that on purpose? I get the feeling that they were cut off, so you may want to look into that...if not, I apologize, it just seems kind of abruptly ended to me.

Finally, and just a spelling thing: "He was worried that their house wouldn’t be up to her standers." You probably mean "standards".

A good chapter, and I'm going to check out your next one!

[AWickedMoon]

Thank you for such a great review! I did notice that I left the characters a bit bland in the first chapter, but I am working in to it! I'm glad the voice has kept you wondering as that was its intention! I did notice that the size in font changed maybe it was just to big so I sized it down one and I think it’s been fixed in certain places you say there is some small fonts I think these might be the places where I italic them to represent thoughts ,but again I will go look! I wasn’t sure if I wanted to keep it short and sweet to be used as a prologue for later which is why it’s so short but there was a few things i wanted to ad after they leave the restaurant.