Two Story Fall

Originally posted as an Image Prompt response on Reddit's /r/writingprompts sub.

The old opening line is that the city has eight million stories. The old opening line is wrong. The city has only two stories: those on top, and those on bottom. There’s only one ending to the stories, though. Whether that ending is good or bad depends on which end of the gun you’re on.

Mickey Jordan’s ending was going to be one of the bad ones. It was one of those good deeds that karma inevitably punished.

He’d been looking out for his little brother, something he’d been doing since they were kids. Mickey’s brother though had grown up, and so had the size of his mistakes. Mickey had sold everything he could to cover his brother’s debts, financial and social, and still came up too short to keep his brother’s fingers intact.

To keep the rest of his brother intact, Mickey had made deals with the wrong kind of people. Even more wrong than his brother had. You can only shake your head sadly when you see a good man forced to make a deal with the devil, because they know they’re getting burned in the end. Mickey knew that. But he also knew that his brother had a chance to have a good ending to his story, if Mickey could just get him clear this one last time.

Mickey’s brother never made good that one last time. The brothers were in over their head, but they had a shovel. It’s the same shovel everyone with an honest job, and without a gun, digs their own, slow grave with: honest hard work. The younger Jordan flaked, and left Mickey holding the bag. And that’s when the guys with the guns decided it was time Mickey’s story ended.

They took him to Old Town, where all the bad things happen to good people. Most of the time the bad things are dying with enough debt to leave your unborn grandchildren broke. There were plenty of the other kinds of bad things that happened, too. This one was happening on top of a half-finished construction project.

Half-finished, or fully abandoned. Much like the rest of Old Town, you could never tell if someone was coming back to finish the job, or had just given up.

So there Mickey was, on his knees, sobbing at the end of some girder that could be a balcony one day, either to look out from or jump from. Depended on how you would want your story to end. He begged for clemency and extensions, making every empty promise that a man who had nothing but empty promises left offered.

One of the other two men walked away from the safety of the roof, along the balcony girder framework, hands in his pockets as if he was strolling to a business meeting. He crouched down in that condescending way that the guys on the one end of the gun do in front of the guys on the other end of the gun. The enforcer didn’t move to even put away his gun with his boss right there.

Sometimes when you’re on one side of the gun, you can even stand in front of them, fully confident you’ll still get your happy ending.

I’d like to think he actually offered Mickey a chance at one of those happy endings. But the words they exchanged were only heard between the two of them. I just watched him get up and walk away from Mickey, hands casually back in his pockets, as he walked the girder back. You couldn’t hear it, because of the wind, and you’d never see it because it would disappear among all the other lights and sights the city has to offer, unless you knew where to look.

Two short flashes, and Mickey got off the girder, gone to his unhappy, honest, and hard-worked ending.

Three men left the roof of that half-finished building that night. The enforcer first, and then his boss. I stayed a little longer, only able to shake my head as the devil got his due, and the city was left with only seven million stories and change left.

# # #

Original Prompt: [IP] It doesn't have to be like this...
Direct Image Link: "Payoff" by JonasDeRo

Originally posted by: /u/chaos_flare
Original posted date: 2016-Jan-20

Author's Note

General feedback and opining are appreciated. Constructive criticism would always be welcome, please.

Reviews

[Taylor]

This is a very different style and I think you have done a masterful job at maintaining the fatalistic voice of the narrator. It has the feel of an old radio script, everything matter of fact; profound things just plunked down the way you drop a heavy brick. Normally in a review, I would be crying out for more specificity -- show instead of tell and all that stuff. But here, the generalizations work to reinforce the tongue in cheek effect. I can't really offer any suggestions for improvement. Great as it is.

[A Shared Narrative]

"It has the feel of an old radio script..."

You have my made day saying that. I've spent so many hours listening to golden age dramas and mysteries, it thrills me that I was able to share that same experience with my audience.

Thank you!

[Solar]

'So there Mickey was, on his knees, sobbing at the end of some girder that could be a balcony one day, either to look out from or jump from.'

'It was one of those good deeds that karma inevitably punished.'

Brilliant piece of writing - capturing the baleful and the bleak seam of the city!

[Rell E. Tyrots]

This is a work of art, no doubt. The writing is splendidly witty and sophisticated; the structure is natural and appeasing, and the story is simple and straightforward.
But I must say that I, personally, prefer stories that have more depth to them, storywise. I cannot stop myself from telling you that if you would apply your skill to more profound stories, you could really create masterpieces.
I do not know the background of this piece. I do not know if it was ever meant to be more; perhaps it is not meant to be more than what it is. I am just saying: you have a talent, keep the good work, and don't be deterred from complexity.

[A Shared Narrative]

There was no background to the piece.

On Reddit, people post a picture as the entirety of a prompt. You just respond and write whatever the art inspires in you. I added the picture to my story so you could click next to the title and see the image prompt.

Thank you for your praise. I am not afraid of a longer or deeper story, but I will admit that I don't have one of those to tell. Yet.

[Rell E. Tyrots]

In that case, well done! I thought it might be something of the sort.

[Takeshi Yamada]

Nice story! I like the intro, very pulp noir. I really liked this line: "Mickey’s brother though had grown up, and so had the size of his mistakes." The way you weave witty one-liners is impressive. It's a skill I'm still working on. Liked this one too: "dying with enough debt to leave your unborn grandchildren broke." And this one too: "Much like the rest of Old Town, you could never tell if someone was coming back to finish the job, or had just given up." I like how you come back to your opening line in the final line of the story. Keep up the good work!

[A Shared Narrative]

Noir is one of my favorite genres. I worried about too many one-liners turning it from noir to corn, but you seemed to really enjoy them, so I'll call it a win.

Thanks!