Dragging

Inhale,
exhale,
beginning,
to ending,
never simple,
pin pricks of clarity,
a flash unclouded by fiction,
and then back,
to eyes that close,
uncertainty, thick,
filling the air,
like suffocation,
so I breath,
again,
and again,
remembering.
Each memory,
not one laid to rest,
surrounded,
by dirt flingers,
as they dig,
until the past is back,
rubbing salt,
in crimson open wounds,
it BURNS,
feeding salt to my tears,
though they won't come,
anymore...
So they push,
and they pull,
ripping scars, once healed,
torn open once more,
until I'm still moving,
but dragging my feet,
heavy chains hang,
tethering my heart,
to the sand,
as it beats,
thirsty,
for love,
affection,
warmth that doesn't come with a price.
Horrifying,
these dreams,
but they are not dreams,
these...
are my memories,
and you who toss them,
carelessly,
never knowing,
what I've seen,
felt,
when abusive hands,
touched me.
When my soul was covered in darkness,
and I was lost,
I bet you would wonder,
why I never spoke of such things,
but look at you,
taking such little things,
and smearing excrement into my face,
shoving it down my throat,
you'll never know of such fragile things,
when hands threatened to take my breath,
and I learned,
to appreciate,
an exhale,
followed by an inhale,
cursed with nightmares,
under bare trees,
because it was no longer,
reality.
I survived,
just to feel abuse of another kind,
that is a pain you will never know,
what a loving heart truly brings,
as it smeared itself across the world,
pain you will never feel,
as a knife disturbs the stitching,
of your pants,
in the night,
and only the beginning...
and I will still love,
though the world has taken
every dignity,
from me.
I choose to help others,
who find it hard,
just to breathe,
it doesn't matter,
what you think,
because you'll never know,
what these once wild eyes have seen,
back when I was aflame,
innocent,
untamed.
When I knew happiness's game,
when I could draw it in a picture,
or even mutter it's name.
I know emotion,
raw, like sandpaper
across flesh. speeding motion,
when my eyes are looking,
but my mind hides 
from sight,
changed from the last sacrifice,
that I could muster doing right.
Now I wake,
in a puddle of sweat,
shaking,
dreaming of snake eyes, again.
And you, who judge,
who continue to take,
any semblance of love,
until I shutter, and shake,
you tell me to do it alone,
it's my fault,
they did this to me,
and it will only repeat.
And I sink further,
barely struggling,
to surface,
holding things I love most,
farther from my reach,
like teasing a dog with a treat.
But none of this has stopped me,
and none will, still,
I will move forward,
my feet are dragging,
my body cold,
but crimson life,
however slow,
still flows through these veins,
your hooks gouging my eyes,
I will still find my way,
even blindly.