Who Am I?

A Story by Doug Johnson

Sometimes I start thinking about my life. Writing is usually the result. This is the result of one of my wanderings.

Who am I? This question is asked by so many people all around the world. Part of our quest is to pursue who we really are and what we are doing. But what if that changes sometimes? What if who we are is more than one person? At certain points in our lives, are we changed to something else? Do we only have an allotted time before we are thrust into our lives as new versions of ourselves?
This is something that I have been pondering recently. Something about me is definitely different. My friends noticed it, and pointed it out. I noticed it too, but I couldn't put my finger on it. In fact, I still can't. This is a topic that is honestly terrifying me. I have no idea who I am. I remember who I was before, mostly, and I know that I changed, but how? What's different about me now? I didn't go through any life- changing experiences, or at least I didn't think I did. It's almost as if I've forgotten who I was before. I'm still me. I still have the same face, and the same body. I'm still the same old human being that I was before. And yet I'm not. Something has changed within me. Why? I have no clue, but it's possible that this has happened to other people as well.
I hope that I can find these people and ask them what was going on. It's more than just a character change. I'm literally a different person, just in the same skin. Is that even possible. It's as if a new person has moved in, and kicked out the old one, leaving no trace of him. I just don't know. Writing has been my out, and as I write, I remember bits of my old personality. And yet it seems like I'm meeting a new person, not recovering my old self. Is there anyone else out there that has felt the same way?
This is the most confused I've ever been. I'm terrified, and scared. I feel detached from myself. I'm concerned and very worried. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so many different emotions coursing through me, mostly negative ones. I don't know who I am, or who I'm supposed to be. I have the urge to try and go back to my old self, and yet this is something that feels as if it's supposed to happen.
According to the theory of alternate universes, there is a me in every single one of them, and in each one, I'm a little bit different. There's a possibility that in one of them, I am even Batman. But in a more subtle way, it's as if I slipped through the barrier between these worlds, and now I have an alternate life.
I don't know if other people will like this new person that I've become, or if I'll even like my new self. I guess all I can do is wait out the storm and hope I'm left with something good at the end. Maybe somewhere in the wreckage of my old life, I'll find a new one. That doesn't mean I'm any less terrified. I have a feeling that life is planned out a certain way and things aren't usually as bad as they seem.
Maybe we do become different people at different stages in our lives. Then maybe we are supposed to learn the flaws of our previous selves to perfect the new ones. While this is a strange concept, I hope that this might help some other people going through the same thing, and might make the transition easier from one personality to the next.

© 2013 Doug Johnson

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Timothy Burjess

Mr Johnson.

Do you believe in coincidence? Because I do not, nevertheless, I find myself enthralled by the seemingly perfect timing I come across your writings, this one in particular I must say. I also find it interesting how I seem to have, only very recently written some work on the subject you introduce in you opening paragraph - "Part of our quest is to pursue who we really are and what we are doing. But what if that changes sometimes?" - If you read my most recent upload onto this website, I'm sure you shall determine the subject matter in which I mean.

Now, yes, now you have pleasantly captured my attention, on to the task at hand! "Who am I?" - indeed, a question that could be deemed a focal point of any philosophy, and perhaps even in normal day-to-day life within the societies in which we have the grand chance to live in...one could even suggest that within the latter, the question is more common, more searched for - perhaps due to the forceful, restricted way we are pushed to be; to look certain ways, to act accordingly, to get a job to satisfy everything we encounter - be it ourselves, our aspirations, our families and friends - yet I swing rapidly off-topic. It matters not whom the question seems more appropriate to, for the question is a question that is indeed important to every single consciousness - and a highly relevant question in regards to the philosophy I study - existentialism. In the words of Sartre, "man first of all exists, encounters himself, surges up in the world, then defines himself afterwards." - take from that what you will, yet it seems relevant to the subject matter.

You say you are changing in an undefinable way, and follow to state that this change is terrifying - allow me to jump ahead of schedule and say before continuing, that you are not the only one who "is changing" or "has changed" - I - my o so dear friend, who lies only across an azure ocean - am living proof that you are not alone or singular in this strictly metaphysical-personalty sense. I suggest reading my profile on this website, for I feel that will soak up any doubts you may have of this most absurd change. So allow me to continue...yes, terrifying indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed, and especially so when friends and family begin to notice no? If I may, I wish to ask only a singular question - now know that this is only to help me gain a perspective of perhaps shared abstractions that we may both be able to share - also know that you need not answer the question if you do not want to.

Thinking back, are you able to place when this "change" perhaps began? Any circumstances or situations that you perhaps thought normal at the time may be subtle hints - this can be either external or internal. And worry not if it is not possible, for certain memories overlap and overrule one another, especially if the subconscious decides to subliminally hide certain...things to protect itself.

Okay, "just in the same skin. Is that even possible. It's as if a new person has moved in, and kicked out the old one, leaving no trace of him." I did wish to ask the question - 'do you feel you have been entirely "overwritten" as it were' - yet it seems, I can answer that one from the simple fact that you are still able to differentiate the change you are forgoing - you still consciously understand that "you" are "you" and "the change" is "changing" "you" - therefore I am led to believe that you are a fusion between "you" and "it" as it were. Good, that IS good, I assure you. I am there personally, and probably will be there until the moment of my demise, yet that is the best place to be - for one can test a sinister lakes depth without jumping in. I noticed the change, learned to understand it, and embraced it - excuse the horrendous cliché, I cringed whilst writing that, yet it seems appropriate. Understand though, that you now have somebody to talk to on this topic, and that if we share anything , I feel that that one thing will be that due to this "change", we feel a need to communicate on a level that we had never acknowledged before? - now this may seem almost religious or spiritual - yet it, to me at least - is neither, it is simply a homo-sapien and its mind, understanding itself, and acknowledging that there is more to this fabric of reality, that what the empiric senses allow one to perceive - almost like the de-alignment of the optic nerve producing that most absurd sensation of déja vu, yet within the mind - and of things that were understood before, and never really thought about before.

Am I confused? Yes. Am I terrified and scared? I suppose so...who isn't in truth...nobody has a clue, and those that do are deluding themselves to a certain extent, for anyone who believes anything without infallible knowledge to back up their o so grand and ultimate truth...and fully believe that is truth...are blinding themselves from the reality in which they exist and place faith into an otherwise unjustifiable claim. See the paradox? What is there to be scared of? You and I are the same we have been all along, for both you and I cannot explain that which has befallen us...correct? No...because you and I both know the abstract thoughts and feelings we obtain from unknown sources.

Alternative universes! I'll save that one until I perhaps understand this one a bit better first - especially in consideration to me!

"I don't know if other people will like this new person that I've become, or if I'll even like my new self." - one statement - the first - is meaningless - the second - important if you feel it should be, yet would you want to have to define yourself to act, speak, dress, or do things in ways that make you feel "normal" or to go even further and say "happy"? If one has to indoctrinate themselves to make them feel these ways then one will never, in truth...be either...for they are forcing themselves to be ways wholly unnatural - do you see? Take into account your existence - that you simply are - that you are alone, a singular person and consciousness, and that you choose what you do, why you do, and the reasons things result the way they do - that is your concrete "existence". You are...that is all that matters my friend...that you exist and choose the way you wish to...anything else that may effect you or make you up is what can be classed as "essence" - things that externally counteract with you and your sole existence...those do not define you...you do. Care NOT for other people, for they are separate beings who wander alternate paths, and paths they choose to walk, for reasons of their own. And as for chance - I feel we could have a good natter on that one.

Mr Johnson, I hope you read this f*****g essay with civility, for when I get so...so...yes I'll use it again...enthralled, I find it hard to stop writing. I fear I may have rambled too much. Nevertheless, I am honoured to have come across you thoughts, and hope to hear back from you soon.

All the best.

Tim

Posted 10 Years Ago

Mr Johnson.

Do you believe in coincidence? Because I do not, nevertheless, I find myself enthralled by the seemingly perfect timing I come across your writings, this one in particular I must say. I also find it interesting how I seem to have, only very recently written some work on the subject you introduce in you opening paragraph - "Part of our quest is to pursue who we really are and what we are doing. But what if that changes sometimes?" - If you read my most recent upload onto this website, I'm sure you shall determine the subject matter in which I mean.

Now, yes, now you have pleasantly captured my attention, on to the task at hand! "Who am I?" - indeed, a question that could be deemed a focal point of any philosophy, and perhaps even in normal day-to-day life within the societies in which we have the grand chance to live in...one could even suggest that within the latter, the question is more common, more searched for - perhaps due to the forceful, restricted way we are pushed to be; to look certain ways, to act accordingly, to get a job to satisfy everything we encounter - be it ourselves, our aspirations, our families and friends - yet I swing rapidly off-topic. It matters not whom the question seems more appropriate to, for the question is a question that is indeed important to every single consciousness - and a highly relevant question in regards to the philosophy I study - existentialism. In the words of Sartre, "man first of all exists, encounters himself, surges up in the world, then defines himself afterwards." - take from that what you will, yet it seems relevant to the subject matter.

You say you are changing in an undefinable way, and follow to state that this change is terrifying - allow me to jump ahead of schedule and say before continuing, that you are not the only one who "is changing" or "has changed" - I - my o so dear friend, who lies only across an azure ocean - am living proof that you are not alone or singular in this strictly metaphysical-personalty sense. I suggest reading my profile on this website, for I feel that will soak up any doubts you may have of this most absurd change. So allow me to continue...yes, terrifying indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed, and especially so when friends and family begin to notice no? If I may, I wish to ask only a singular question - now know that this is only to help me gain a perspective of perhaps shared abstractions that we may both be able to share - also know that you need not answer the question if you do not want to.

Thinking back, are you able to place when this "change" perhaps began? Any circumstances or situations that you perhaps thought normal at the time may be subtle hints - this can be either external or internal. And worry not if it is not possible, for certain memories overlap and overrule one another, especially if the subconscious decides to subliminally hide certain...things to protect itself.

Okay, "just in the same skin. Is that even possible. It's as if a new person has moved in, and kicked out the old one, leaving no trace of him." I did wish to ask the question - 'do you feel you have been entirely "overwritten" as it were' - yet it seems, I can answer that one from the simple fact that you are still able to differentiate the change you are forgoing - you still consciously understand that "you" are "you" and "the change" is "changing" "you" - therefore I am led to believe that you are a fusion between "you" and  "it" as it were. Good, that IS good, I assure you. I am there personally, and probably will be there until the moment of my demise, yet that is the best place to be - for one can test a sinister lakes depth without jumping in. I noticed the change, learned to understand it, and embraced it - excuse the horrendous cliché, I cringed whilst writing that, yet it seems appropriate. Understand though, that you now have somebody to talk to on this topic, and that if we share anything , I feel that that one thing will be that due to this "change", we feel a need to communicate on a level that we had never acknowledged before? - now this may seem almost religious or spiritual - yet it, to me at least - is neither, it is simply a homo-sapien and its mind, understanding itself, and acknowledging that there is more to this fabric of reality, that what the empiric senses allow one to perceive - almost like the de-alignment of the optic nerve producing that most absurd sensation of déja vu, yet within the mind - and of things that were understood before, and never really thought about before.

Am I confused? Yes. Am I terrified and scared? I suppose so...who isn't in truth...nobody has a clue, and those that do are deluding themselves to a certain extent, for anyone who believes anything without infallible knowledge to back up their o so grand and ultimate truth...and fully believe that is truth...are blinding themselves from the reality in which they exist and place faith into an otherwise unjustifiable claim. See the paradox? What is there to be scared of? You and I are the same we have been all along, for both you and I cannot explain that which has befallen us...correct? No...because you and I both know the abstract thoughts and feelings we obtain from unknown sources.

Alternative universes! I'll save that one until I perhaps understand this one a bit better first - especially in consideration to me!

"I don't know if other people will like this new person that I've become, or if I'll even like my new self." - one statement - the first - is meaningless - the second - important if you feel it should be, yet would you want to have to define yourself to act, speak, dress, or do things in ways that make you feel "normal" or to go even further and say "happy"? If one has to indoctrinate themselves to make them feel these ways then one will never, in truth...be either...for they are forcing themselves to be ways wholly unnatural - do you see? Take into account your existence - that you simply are - that you are alone, a singular person and consciousness, and that you choose what you do, why you do, and the reasons things result the way they do - that is your concrete "existence". You are...that is all that matters my friend...that you exist and choose the way you wish to...anything else that may effect you or make you up is what can be classed as "essence" - things that externally counteract with you and your sole existence...those do not define you...you do. Care NOT for other people, for they are separate beings who wander alternate paths, and paths they choose to walk, for reasons of their own. And as for chance - I feel we could have a good natter on that one.

Mr Johnson, I hope you read this fucking essay with civility, for when I get so...so...yes I'll use it again...enthralled, I find it hard to stop writing. I fear I may have rambled too much. Nevertheless, I am honoured to have come across you thoughts, and hope to hear back from you soon.

All the best.

Tim

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