The Art of Complaining

A Story by Andrew Leister-Frazier

Sam Lockheart trains his neighbor on how to complain.

Kevin Woolworth lived next door to Sam and they both happened to take out their trash at the same time.

“Hi Sam.”

“Hello Kevin.”

Sam paused and quit dragging the trash can and looked at Kevin.

“Oh, Kevin, I want to ask you a question. How is life going for you?”

“Can’t complain, got a decent job pays the bills got a good girlfriend.”

“Listen to me, don’t ever let anyone tell you you can’t complain. You can always complain.”

“What do I have to complain about?”

“Glad you asked. You’re girlfriend for example, she’s a bit overweight. And you’re car what is it six years old now? It doesn’t even have a port for your devices. And how long have you been working at your job without a promotion, without a raise? Does your girlfriend even have sex with you often enough? What about your clothes? Your pants fabric looks a bit frayed, and when was the last time you had a really relaxing vacation? Why do you have to take out the garbage? why can’t your girlfriend do it every once in awhile?”

“Hey I never thought about that. I need to complain more.”

“Alright have a go. Give me your best complaint.”

“Sam why do you always park out front its hard for me to see oncoming cars when getting out of the driveway.”

“Good!”

“And when was the last time you pulled weeds out of your garden, it looks like a mess, you’ll have vines growing up the side of your house before long.”

“Excellent!”

“And you always dress poor sweat shirt, sweat pants, are you always working out or what?”

“Good. Got any more?”

“Your car has a dent on the side and I fear it lowers property values. And when are you going to get a job?”

Kevin struck a nerve

“Okay enough. You are a natural.”