Conspiracy of the Ham Sandwich

Ol' man bumtoe tells mischievous kids of a grand conspiracy spanning generations.

Ol' man Bumtoe had two glass eyes, yet he always seemed to know you're there. Mid morning Sam and his friends would walk past a glass-eyed prophetic black man on their way to the bus stop. They all decided to leave early for school in order to play a prank on ol' man Bumtoe. They tried to sneak up on Mr. Bumtoe whilst he was rocking on his porch and tickle him with a feather. They even wore their quiet shoes and held their breath as they came up on him. They had come up to his porch steps when Bumtoe opened his mouth.

"Gather around children and put down that feather I've got a story. It's a story of a grand conspiracy! A conspiracy of the ham sandwich," he said.

The kids put down the feather and sat down in front of Ol' man Bumtoe.

"You might think that every major disaster over the last five thousand years has its own explanation. I'm here to tell you that that's wrong. Dead wrong. The fact of the matter is that every major disaster has the very same explanation. What is it? Ham Sandwich," he said.

"You might think that the Titanic sunk because they hit an iceberg. But that's not what really happened. What happened was an engineer was working on the boat and he was eating a ham sandwich and he dropped it into the gears. The captain couldn't turn the boat and they hit that iceberg, 'cause of ham sandwich!" Bumtoe spat out tobacco spit hitting a spittoon several feet away with flawless precision, the children gasped.

"The Hindenburg got exploded 'cause of a ham sandwich. See they were all flying on the Hindenburg when a man's slimy ham fell out onto the floor. It got the floor of the Hindenburg all slimy and so everyone decided they would walk around in their socks. All that walkin' around built up heaps of static charge, and when the Hindenburg touched a grounding wire. Bam!" Bumtoe continued; "John F. Kennedy got killed because of a ham sandwich. This one's a bit harder to explain. There was a man with a pork shop right below the book conservatory. He was cooking a ham for some ham sandwiches, but little did he know there was a bullet lodged in it, when the oven heated up the bullet exploded ricochet all over the place and landed in the back of JFK's head." Bumtoe cleared his throat. "Behind every major disaster over the last five thousand years is a ham sandwich. Hurricane Katrina? Ham sandwich. Assassination of John Lennon? Ham sandwich. 9/11? Quadruple ham sandwich."

"Everywhere you go, every disaster that ever was happened because of a ham sandwich. Even now there is some disaster being caused by a ham sandwich." Sam sat in front of Ol' man Bumtoe and clutched his sandwich bag with fear.

"What's in that sandwich bag boy?"asked Bumtoe.

"It's uh, a ham sandwich." said Sam.

"You better give it here, that ain't safe you know." warned Bumtoe

The boy handed over his lunch to ol' man Bumtoe.

"I'm going to have to dispose of this dangerous food item." ol' man Bumtoe unwrapped the sandwich and ingested a few big bites.

"I do believe a disaster has been averted." exclaimed ol' man Bumtoe with a mouth full of sandwich.

"But what about my lunch?" asked Sam.

"I could have very well saved your life just now. But maybe if you want lunch you should stop and think before you and your friends come by to tickle me with a feather." replied ol' man Bumtoe.

"Aw man! You gypped me!" Sam yelled.

"Now shoe kids, before I get my whacking stick." said Bumtoe.

Sam stared outside the bus window feeling bummed for being so gullible while unaware Bumtoe was fatally choking on the last bite of Sam's sandwich. "Bumtoe got me good." said Sam.

Author's Note

My brother helped me write this a bit. He added the part of "9/11? quadruple ham sandwich" kind of a risky joke but I liked it too much.. Review, comment. Also this is posted under my pen name under Scribophile "Andrew Lockheart"

Reviews

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Interesting, captivating and original. Could be improved with a little edit.

[Saud Maroof]

Narration kept me from laughing out. It was too formal.
An accent to the dilogue could be a nice touch. But the overall feel of the story telling was a bit like children's story. Loved JFK joke.

Thanks for sharing.

[Saud Maroof]

How about if the spit was not precise indead sprinkler like, this would keep the momentum of the joke.

[Saud Maroof]

*instead sprinkler like