NoTitlePoem#1

A collection of thoughts over the last few days, from 5/5/2021 to 5/8/2021

It's been three days since I heard "it's not as big as I expected" from my mother.
She was commenting on the hole I had pierced into my left hand.

I had expected just that comment too, it first came to mind as I walked with no other,

More stressful situations left me alone to stand.

What could be causing me so much stress, that in my anger consumed mind driving a knife through my hand was logical?
A fight with my partner, which didn't have to be a fight, over how I address tasks in the home. I scream inside my head so much just from talking with her. I have my way of doing things, I constantly ask "what do you want me to do next" because it keeps me on a clear series of what needs to be done. It's a form of structure for me.

We're no longer partners as of the 7th, and I have much more insight as to how mother has and will affect all my relationships.

She has treated my mental health as if it's "come and go" or "episodic" and never fully grasped that it is an every day struggle. Anxiety shocks me worse than lightning, right in my core and paralyzing, as if a tar shell is suffocating me.

Mentally, that is all I can handle to write. In summary, I pierced my hand purposefully with a kitchen knife because I got so stressed out (which is no excuse or reason to do that, from that experience I realize that my actions of self harm in all ways needs to stop), and now I'm uprooting a whole bunch of trauma and I'm using writing as coping so... Bear with me because I have to help myself some how.

Author's Note

I just need to do what I feel is best for me and I will not change anything for anyone.