Which Would Be Easier? (My Mental Disorder)

I don't really have a diagnosed mental disorder, but sometimes it feels like it. In this piece, I describe my own observations and views of my personality changes.

My immune system is down.

High levels of cortisol,

Induced by stress is my guess

 

I'm Sick.

In the Body

In the Mind

And In Spirit.

 

Day after day

I can feel myself split

Apart

It

Hurts

 

To watch myself

Turn into a Monster

Snapping at everyone

Isolating

 

The isolation is unbearable

When you're looking for

Companionship in others

And they do not Receive it.

 

And you do not give it

Expecting to get something

In return for Nothing

But don’t they know by now,

That nothing on your part,

Means you need something on

Their Part?

 

I don't truly want to be alone.

When I push away,

That means I need you

To push even more

To be close

Not leave, and give me some

"Space".

 

But no one has time for that,

Nor the patience it requires.

And so, I am condemned

To suffer

In my own madness.

 

Unless I find someone

Or Find Myself.