At All Costs

Love you as one does.. I will protect you.

At All Costs

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I used to write letters.

To nobody in particular.

They were only meant for my eyes.

And I would throw them away after I read them.

I kept those feelings and thoughts to myself.

Throwing away any evidence.

Of the doubt.

Or even love that I felt.

I wrote my hopes and dreams.

Kept safely in those letters.

With nobody to see the words.

Nobody to understand them like I do.

I once tried to let someone read them.

New ones that I had written.

But he couldn’t comprehend what I really felt.

What thoughts genuinely held me back.

All of those doubts.

They kept both of us apart.

But now I think it was more than that.

He couldn’t read between the lines.

It would never have worked.

And part of me..

Never wanted it to.

I just didn’t realize it yet.

And now when something good happens to me.

I push the thought back.

Flooding it with doubts.

And writing it into existence.

That it could never be possible.

As if I’m scared of being happy.

Of trusting someone.

Or loving someone.

Years of old habits..

Years of lying to myself.

Telling myself that it's not worth it.

That there will always be a better option.

And that this time wasn’t meant for me.

But I didn’t believe that.

Deep down.

The right people have always been timeless.

Yet my mind counters.

So I read.

I write.
I perform.

I act.

I travel and perform in front of huge crowds.

Standing on the field waiting.

I see the sunset cast onto the audience in front of me.

It was beautiful.

The perfect moment.

To tell a story that I lived each day.

One out of my control.

About wishing for time to stand still.

Each time.

Each breath.

Each note.

Each motion.

“This is for the ones who couldn’t make it.”

I spoke these words before each performance.

But they felt the most real that time.

For the one I knew would be watching.

The musician who couldn’t stay any longer..

My last performance.
Would be for him.

An old friend.

Who deserved better.

I almost cried.

We hadn’t even started yet.

But I knew what this meant.

It was acceptance.

This was it.

I hadn’t written in months.

But I knew that at this moment..

I could see the words.

Forming in the back of my mind.

“I will love you.”

“At all costs.”

For someone I hadn’t seen in years.

I knew he was the same guy I had met forever ago.

He still loved music.

Even earned an award.

So when I froze.

At the end of the show.

In the distance I could see our actor.

Sitting alone on a bench.

The feeling she conveyed.

I felt it.

Stronger than ever before.

That loneliness.

I knew it well.

But I felt it that night.

When that love suddenly disappears.

And you’re left alone.

She knew it too.

Fell in love with a percussionist.

And he was no longer there with us.

No longer allowed to perform side-by-side with her.

So I did the only thing we could do.

Hold my hand out.

And perform.

And we could see it in each other.

Without any words needed.

She missed him.

And I missed someone.

So we kept each other company that night.

“At all costs.”

He would have come to watch her perform.

I told her that.

And she merely said.

The distance was too far.

And I knew what that felt like too.