An Imaginary Number

A Poem by Ennay

An Imaginary Number

I watch as he sits down at the table with the rest of our friends. Here I was. The moment finally here.. And I didn’t want to let myself be known. I didn’t have the confidence to walk up to them and tell them who I was. That I was the friend that Aleena had known for a few years now at this point.. What if they would be disappointed? I’m not as special as the words I write. How could I ever compare?

But then I continue to stare as the dream starts to shift. He walks in with someone else and sits down with them. Introducing the girl next to him. I definitely couldn’t join them now. The thought of it hurt too much. Even as I dreamt, I could feel the aching in my chest. And this time I knew exactly why. But I had to forget about it. It’s absolutely nothing. It means nothing to me.. Or to him. She seemed nice enough anyway. Not that I cared.. Right?

I turn away when Aleena notices me. She sat across from him. I never told her about him. How I had gotten to know him as I did with the others.. Nobody ever really knew. And yet for some reason, she still noticed. But this was just a dream.

I could make it up as I wished. I could start this entirely over if I wanted to. But nothing changed. And for the first time in a while, I wondered if I actually had any control over my dream?

Aleena walks up to me and brings me back to the table with them. She knew who I was. And I was the only one missing.. So that made everyone else realize who I was too. Ennay. A name without a name. Hah.. I miss Li already. He would’ve found this amusing. Course he would try to get me to talk to.. ‘him.’ But I couldn’t even look at him. I felt so ashamed. I’m not sure why. Maybe for believing in something that wasn’t ever real to begin with.

Like imaginary numbers. They originate from something real and then turn into “imaginary.” It is something that we simply can’t explain. I hate imaginary numbers. Because they will never ever become real. They are imaginary for a reason. And that reason hurts too much. Just like all the other times I have already daydreamed about meeting him.. They never end well. I fear the reality will be the same. He knows me from my words. And they will never be good enough for me.