Daylight

Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time. You and I drink the poison from the same vine...

Daylight
_______________________

I’ve been trying.

More than I ever have before.

I think that sometimes we cloud our vision of this.

Of how hard we are trying.

That it ruins us anyway.

No matter the effort.

We are doomed to fail.

We focus on all the things that have gone wrong previously.

So we assume it may just happen again anyway.

And then it does.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

When I was a kid I would pray multiple times a day.

I never got an answer.

I thought that it was like a deal.

If I asked then things would be given.

I wouldn’t have to leave.

I could meet my mother.

I could have some friends.

I could have someone that understands.

I was young and didn’t know any better.

I was never good with “relationships.”

Family, friends..

I always found a way to mess things up.

I always wanted to be more religious than I was.

I told myself as long as I kept trying.

But year after year.

All I got was silence.

Then things went downhill for me.

I was alive but barely living.

I was merely existing.

Since then I’ve been digging myself out of that grave.

I’m praying again.

Except I’m not asking for anything.
I talk about my day.

I ask questions.

Even if I’m unsure about an answer to those questions.

I ask anyway.

There is a reason for everything.

Or so I believe.

Believing is seeing.

And I finally saw an answer.

I’m worried that even though I found the path again.

I have these doubts in my mind.

How could someone else forgive me?

When I can’t forgive myself.

He tells me I don’t need to blame myself.

Things happen.

Things we cannot control.

But that one day.

It was awful.

I was turning thirteen.

I went camping for the first time.

It was also my last time.

It was raining when I woke up that morning.

I was so excited.

I loved the rain, and I saw the main tent with everyone under it.

I walked over but something was wrong.

I thought it was the rain on their faces.

But they were crying.

Some people were missing.

I heard that someone had died.

That was my last time ever camping.

I may not go again.

He tells me that I don't have to feel guilty.

But maybe if we hadn’t been camping.

Someone could’ve been there.

To notice the heart attack.

Everyone else forgot about when the death happened.

I wasn’t even that close to the man.

I remember him being very kind.

Even to a stranger like me.

How could I forget that?

This past year was the first time I truly wanted to celebrate my birthday.

Then an old teacher of mine died.

I couldn’t go to the funeral.

I had to perform.

He would’ve wanted me to perform.

I know that.

Even so..

I wish I could’ve been there.

But things happen.

Things I cannot control.

That night we performed a clean sweep.

The best performance of the season.

I perform knowing that other people need this to happen.

Even if they are watching from elsewhere.

I do wonder..

Am I making another mistake?

Are you the one that’s right?

I’m usually so confident about things.

But what if I’m wrong?

What if all of this work is in vain?

What if this path is only meant for one?

And not two?

Away from the path I’ve been shown.

Is it right?

But I’ve already started.

All this work.

I have to see it through.

Not just for you.

But for me too.

I can’t run from the daylight forever.

Author's Note

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