The last Christmas

I always thought I knew what heartache was.
I thought I'd felt the worst of it all.
That it could never hurt more than it was hurting right then.
That at least if I had my heart broken in the future, it couldn't feel any worse than it did in that moment.
But I was wrong.
As each day passes I find that it breaks a little more.
I never thought I'd be without you.
I never thought it could hurt this bad.
Almost 8 years we spent together, and I don't know how to let that go.
I don't know how to pretend that it doesn't hurt or that I don't think of you always.
I don't know how I could ever be as close to anyone as I am to you.
I took all of my armor off and exposed my tender underbelly.
I showed you all of me.
Told you every secret I have.
Even the ones I swore that I would take to my grave.
And now I have to say goodbye.
You say you're still hopeful but I can see it in your eyes.
I feel it when you speak of the things I don't want to hear.
I'm just biding time.
Just waiting and pretending it's not here yet.
Even though I know that it is.
I feel that I only have a few days left with you and as each day passes I'm one step closer to not having you in my life.
At least how I thought I'd have you in my life.
I still speak of the future and catch Myself in mid sentence, or try to pretend that I hadn't said that.
Try to pretend that it doesn't hurt.
Try to pretend it isn't real.
Next June we were supposed to get married.
The day that I'd been looking forward to since I knew I loved you.
We went to the DI yesterday to look around.
I saw some wedding dresses and cried out happily as I went to walk towards them, only to remember midway step through that was not my future anymore...
At least not with you.
I was so embarrassed and heartbroken but I didn't want you to know.
You heard me and asked what I said and I said nothing.
You heard me though, and you told me that was still not off the table.
I want to believe you, but I just feel it in my gut and I can't shake it.
I'm just watching you slowly slip away and there's nothing I can do about it.
No amount of I'm sorry, or I didn't mean to hurt you can ever make it go away.
And I know that.
That's what kills me.
Later that evening we were talking about dinner and somehow came to talk about prime rib.
I mentioned that I had planned to make that for Christmas this year, and that you know that I just have to have turkey on thanksgiving.
And it hit me again.
That moment where you realize that last years Christmas really was the last.
They said it would be her last Christmas too.
And it was.
And I don't know how to handle that.
I don't know how to face the pain I've caused you.
I don't know how to get right with the fact that I was not there when you needed me.
I don't know how to cope with the fact that I could be so cruel.
It was never my intention and I will never forget or forgive myself for that.
I quickly changed the subject, hoping that you hadn't heard me.
That you hadn't heard that change in my voice
That you hadn't seen the look of devastation throughout my body.
I think I did it well that time.
Or maybe you heard and you realized it too...
I can't help but to cry, but I can't let you see me.
So I go to the bathroom and turn the fan on so you can't hear me.
Try to pretend everything is fine.
Try to enjoy what is very likely one of our last days.
That's the killer...
Watching something you love die before your eyes.
Knowing that it's coming and just watching it all disappear.
Every plan we had slowly denigrating
My heart is broken
And I don't know that it will ever heal
I don't know how I'm going to tell everyone that we aren't getting married.
I don't know how you answer all of the questions.
I don't know how to hide the hurt.
A part of me wishes that I hadn't told them.
I want to be the only one who knew so that I could just be alone in my grief.
Not have to face that.
Because when I do, it's really over.
And We can't just "slowly grow apart" and hope no one notices...
I have to face this heartbreak dead on and it is you I look to for comfort
But you won't be there
You won't be there to make it better
To make me feel safe and loved
There will be no more "well at least we have each other"
No more us.
I will love you my whole life
And long after