It could have been you

You're lucky to be alive.

You can't sleep due to your insomnia, so you go for a nice night time walk. Everything is so far, going well. There is a cool breeze blowing, the crickets are singing their midnight hymns, and the moon is vast, along with being luminous. Everything just seems, peaceful.

a few minutes into your walk, you see an arcane looking man, far off in the distance. He seems to be standing there, looking at you. You see him, take an object out of his pocket. So, you turn around to hopefully find a more busy area. You're walking fast, to get away from him and you look back to make sure he is gone, but to your surprise, he is following you.  Picking up your pace, you reach for your phone, to call 911.  They pick up and you state your business. Only to have your phone, die. Cursing in your mind, you look behind you, to see if the man is still following you, and to your astonishment, he is still following you. 

You see a busy area and dash to the nearest building to find help.  Luckily, you find a bar that is still open. You go to the bartender to tell him that you're being followed by the man with a knife. He goes out to look for the man but neither you or the bartender sees anyone.  He looks at you as if you're pranking him and walks off.  Worried out of your mind, you start to run home, wishing that, that creep doesn't find you. You're relieved to finally make it home. Breathing a sigh of relief, you get your keys and go inside. You turn on the tv to watch your daily night news.  Everything is well again. You're safe, and not hurt. You're happy. Until, you heard breaking news from he newscaster. They have stated that an unknown man has murdered a woman and her husband. The picture of the unknown man comes up on the screen, and to your horror, the man unknown man is the same man that was following you, with the knife. The newscaster has also stated that the man has not been caught. 

Filled with anxiety, you pace to your room, to hide. As you are making it upstairs, you hear a tapping sound on the window. It's the man, trying to get in. Your eyes begin to fill up with tears and your heart starts to pound fast and loud. You run to your house phone to call 911. Your voice is shaky and cracking. You tell the police that the unknown man is at your window. You tell them your address and the policeman hangs up right away.  An hour later, the police show up and arrest the man. You tell the deputy that he was following you when you was walking.  He responded, saying that you are one of the few lucky people who survived tonight while walking. The killer was an escaped crazed patient from the asylum who suffers from schizophrenia and killing is the only way he can cope with it. 

Reviews

[matrixmark]

Gripped from the beggining. I love these kind of intros to a stories, they are always an instant hook for me. The man knocking on the window is kind of freaky to have him follow you in the street is one thing, to have him follow you home is another. Another good layer is the bit where the news reports the man killing a husband and wife brings another added bit of suspense into the story too.

gripping read right from the start.

Mark.

[Cyd]

“but to your surprise, he is following you.” Surprise is a word I use with positive things. I would use another word that inflicts more panic or fear.

“and to your astonishment, he is still following you.” Same thing here, I would pick another word. Perhaps horror works.

“the man unknown man is the same man that was following you, with the knife.” Remove the first man.

Also, here is the first mention of the knife. It would be scarier if you mentioned the knife earlier. It’s just an “object” until this point.

“You tell them your address and the policeman hangs up right away. An hour later, the police show up and arrest the man.” An hour!? “Help, police, a man with a knife is breaking into my house!” “Yeah, we will be there in 45mins, one hour maybe.” I guess she lived in the wrong neighborhood :p I don’t mind crappy police in stories, especially if there’s a point but here? Takes me out of it a little and the mad man, is he just standing there tapping the window?

Some might love the second person point of view, for me it just doesn’t work. When I’m told I feel this or that, my respond is, “No I don’t.” This might just be a personal thing though. I do feel if you create a person, a likable person that I care about them more and I understand their actions better. If it’s me so to speak, “You walk into the haunted house.” Like hell I would!

I assume I sound pretty negative, that was not my intention. I like anyone that writes and especially someone giving horror a chance so big round of applauds.

[kenya smith]

thanks....i guess.....>_>

[Cyd]

I'm sorry for sounding mean, I know that I do. I just think that you are on to something good but it can get better, that's all.

[kenya smith]

Ok, If you say so...

[J. Justice Mendez]

I like the idea of making the reader the main character. You did a good job of making me feel like I was actually in danger. All in all, I was hoping the ending would be a bit more horrific.
You should check out my story, "The Wall," as the style is pretty similar to this.

[JBoone]

WOW!!!! What a ride. You take the reader on an amazing adventure. Great suspense and drama. Very scary and adrenaline filled. Would make a great movie.