Element Academy

This is intended to begin and end abruptly.It is about a girl who was raped and has no memory of the actual rape. Rory only has a brief memory of the school's golden boy rushing her to the hospital.

          “The misuse and abuse on the part of the irresponsible should not mean the ultimate ban of use on the part of the responsible!” Kayla was practically yelling across the desk at Headmaster Cromwell, yet she still managed to be respectful. Kayla wore the blue robes of the Air Tower with yellow trim, as her power was psychic and not of a direct element. Her blonde hair and green eyes were well matched with the light blue of the robes. 

The Headmaster wore the black, signifying his position, but the lack of trim told that he could not practice himself. He only could give the knowledge of theory. 

They were discussing the ban of the practice but not the theory of Elements. I looked at my shoes as my long dark brown bangs hid my eyes, horribly aware that I was fidgeting and that the Headmaster of Element Academy was staring at me. My white robes with gold trim told the world that I could control all the elements, but that I was still learning. Kayla kept lecturing, and I noticed a wand, a sword, a stone, and a tiny bowl of water neatly arrayed in a corner of his desk. The viewing pool drew me in. Suddenly…

…Jacob was standing over me. My vision was blurry and misty, like it is in dreams that are difficult to recall. He was saying something about staying with him. What the hell? Why on earth would I stay with the biggest jerk in school? I had a boyfriend, one who knew how to treat a lady. Then I felt it…the cold nothingness began in my chest. Oh, if I could just sleep, rejuvenate, everything would be fine. And it took so much effort to keep my eyes open, it would be better just to sleep. “Jacob, let me sleep. I’m exhausted,” I heard myself whisper. “NO NO NO! You can’t sleep Rory, you need to stay awake. C’mon, stay with me,” he’d said it again. Why does he care if I’m awake or not? I began to giggle, finding everything funny all of a sudden. We crashed, literally, into the infirmary. The doctor rushed me into the healing room, telling people to leave me alone. Needles, machines, and medical tools swirled in my vision. Somewhere in my mind, I was aware of a bleeding cut from my navel to between my breasts, and my neck was raw, my thighs so tender, so bruised....

“Rory…RORY!”

“Huh?” I said confused. Oh great, I thought. He was talking to me.

“I said, do you have anything to add? To Kayla’s account?” he glared at me like I was slow or stupid.

“Oh, the only thing I have to say is that if Jacob ever tries anything like that again, you’ll have more to worry about than an accident. He may have carried me to the hospital wing, but he knows who attacked me and he's not telling.” I let my icy tones hang in the air between us, and I held my head high. 

My eyes scared him. I could see it in his face. Almost everyone is afraid of my eyes because when people look into them, they see themselves for who they are. Entire lives are relived in a nano second of eye contact with me.

“Are you threatening my nephew?” His face was swelling, the vein in his forehead was throbbing, his cheeks were turning purple. He was getting angry, but knew he could not react without consequences.

“I’m merely warning you to have him take care. He wouldn’t want to cross the wrong person…again.” There. I said it. I stood up for myself, spoke my mind, and still have my scholarship. I haven't done anything for him to revoke it over. Kayla wrapped her arms around my shoulders, said something to Mr. Cromwell, and walked me back to my dorm. Students stared at me without making eye contact, and whispered as we passed. Jacob actually had the nerve to walk up to me.

“Aurora, may I speak with you a moment?” I couldn’t believe it. He was using that charming politeness on me. He thought he could make me swoon for him and he wouldn’t suffer the consequences. Arrogant prick.

“Sure, whatever you have to say can be said in front of Kayla. I’ll just tell her everything later,” was my cool response. He looked taken aback, eyed Kayla suspiciously, and finally said “Fine. Look, I don’t need any trouble now. I was hoping that we could forget all that had happened…?” Ok, now I was getting seriously angry. He jumped, and I guessed my eyes had turned coal color. That’s another thing. They change color to reveal my most prominent mood at all times. Coal usually means destruction mode for me.

“You’re too late, Golden Boy. I’ve already spoken with your uncle, and you need to watch yourself or talk. Don’t think that my reservations mean I don’t have serious power. You have no idea, and when I lose my temper like I’m about to if you don’t recant your last request of me, my power gets out of my control.” As if to prove my point, the wind started to pick up, violently tearing papers out of the hands of students and teachers alike. The lights began to glow brighter and brighter, some of them exploding into bolts of lightning.

“Whoa, whoa, calm down. Just forget it. Clearly it’s still too raw of a memory for you. Just think about it, please?” He showed all of his teeth and a brilliant smile, hoping that I would just give him a free pass like most everyone else did. Yet his lips quivered. He was terrified, and fighting hard not to spook me. He thought he was so much better than everyone else, when he had no power at all. He wore the clothes of the outside modern world. He was only here to learn theory, and I was ready to give him the lesson of his life. He may not have attacked me, but by keeping his silence, he might as well have.

“NO!” and with that I lost any control I’d managed to maintain over my power. Water began to flood out of the bathrooms, lights continued to explode, the wind began to swirl it all together like a giant blender, and the trees started growing furiously knocking down walls. I glared at him, and it all began to center on him.

“Rory, you don’t want to kill him. He’s getting what’s coming to him without your help,” Kayla attempted to sound calm, but I still heard the tremors of fear in her voice. Without a word, I walked back to my dorm, leaving the mess behind and not caring what came next, glaring at his bright blue eyes. That b*****d raped me and thinks he can get away with it…and even if it wasn’t him he knows who it was. Who cut me, who nearly killed me, only Jacob knows. 

Apparently Kayla read my thoughts, as she does when I refuse to talk to anyone, and followed me in the door. “Hey, I feel you in my mind, would ya cut it out? Dang! I thought the mind was supposed to be a place of privacy!” I spat. She looked hurt, I knew it hurt, but I didn’t care at the moment. Finally, she said quietly, “You relived it �" the incident �" in the office. I felt it. Do you really think you should’ve told them off like that?”

“Do you really think I care?” I whispered. My eyes were probably gray now, and I smelled the fresh rain that I’d let loose. I would have cried, but there were no tears left in me, so my power cried for me. My throat scratched as I finally told her everything I knew, which wasn’t much because I’d blacked out from being strangled, and again from losing blood. 

"I was coming out of Wind Theory. Then I was in the basement. I don't know how I got there. He was concealing his features, scrambling my power so that I kept seeing combinations of people in his face. I was chained, so we must've been in the old dungeons near the catacombs. He wrapped something...something soft...around my throat. He pulled it, pulled it so tight, my vision swam, white blossoms of color bursting behind my eyes," my voice was thick with choked back tears. I looked out the window at the torrential storm my power was feeding. It is nothing compared to the one raging inside me, I thought.

Kayla hugged me about the shoulders, listening quietly. I saw a single tear fall down her cheek, and looked down. "My throat was bruised, the lights were gone, and there was something sharp pressed against me, trying to press inside me. I screamed, and nothing came out. I was hoarse. He sliced me open as he...pumped...me. I passed out again."

I looked at her then and whispered across her mind, "You saw the rest in Cromwell's office."

I did know that Jacob had saved my life, but that he knew who had ruined it also. That’s why I hate him. Before, he was intolerable. But now, he was the enemy. An enemy that I had to fight with my dying breath, if necessary.

Author's Note

If this is well received, I may turn it in to a book, with this as the excerpt. Please be brutally honest. I cannot grow as a writer without constructive criticism.

Reviews

[Jeff]

I was very engaged in your story! This being the first of your writings that I have ever read, I can see that you have a potential to be a great writer. Aside from grammar, spelling and punctuation (all minor and easily fixed with editing), I did find some areas that need either a few extra words or maybe a rewrite to help coherency and flow (i.e. the description of the Headmaster's robes).
In the next to last paragraph, when Rory feels Kayla's presence in her mind; I was momentarily jarred by Rory's reaction. I get that the two of them are friends, but coming off of almost killing her mortal enemy, I find it hard to believe that Rory would use the word "sheesh". If you do not want to use profanity, that's cool, but you may want to either come up with a more scathing response or say something like 'I cursed at Kayla's intrusion, "I can feel you in my mind, get out!"'
Again, I really liked this and I would really like to see more of this story! Keep up the great work and thank you for sharing.

[Danny K]

Ok. All in all its pretty solid. However you use a lot of words that you don't need to. For EX: in the beginning you say "should not" when really "shouldn't" works even better. You do this a lot through this...chapter?

Ok, next. Your having Rory tell the story, however its not made clear until she talks about herself. Try rewriting the first 3 paragraphs and let the reader know its Rory telling the story. Also go ahead and put her despriction in the same paragraph as the headmaster and Kayla.

Also the "viewing pool" is called a PENSIEVE and the term used to see things while using the pensieve is SCRYING. The whole situation when she looked in the viewing pool, I'm under the impression its because she doesn't know how to control her
elemental abilities. In that case, finger around with that part and give her more of a personal view instead of just plaing out a scene. Talk about Rory moving around in the scene. I know you've read the Harry Potter novels, so jump to ORDER OF PHEONIX and read how Rowling does it, and then word it the way you would if you were Rory.

[Taylor H.]

Oh, if I could just sleep, rejuvinate, everything would be fine. ---rejuvenate

“huh?” I said confused. Oh great, I thought. He was talking to me.---"Huh?"

“I said, do you have anything to add? ----no comma

By the way he jumped, my eyes had turned coal color. ---jumped;

Finally, she said quietly, “you relived it – the incident – in the office. ---You

other than that, great great job!

[Calypso]

I though it was nice. Not amazing nevertheless, I love Happy Potter and the first time I read three pages from the fourth book I hated it, but I read more, so I can't judge it so much. Try to make a novel and see how far it may or may not go.