The Naming

Finally, our characters have names!

 

Dumbfounded, the girl followed her orb. They walked for about two miles before coming upon a waterfall, with a rounded basin from which she drank. She sat back on her haunches and stared at the orb, which she couldn’t fathom. Her magic had never been that strong, it shouldn’t exist, yet here it was: her guide. Realizing how awkward she must look, she turned away and faced the shallow pool of water before her. Her reflection had changed so much since the last time she saw it…about a year ago.

“Oh, c’mon,” her brother had teased. “What, you scared of your own reflection? I don’t exactly blame you.”

“I’ll show you who’s ugly. Let’s go,” she claimed indignantly.

The mistress was out for the afternoon. She shouldn’t have been home for a few hours, so they walked in. Her brother uncovered the mirror, and the two of them stared, soaking in for the first time what others saw.

“Wow…I’m…pretty.” She’d whispered aloud. Her brother said nothing. They heard footfalls on the stairs.

“Run, boy, run. Don’t let her catch you! I’ll take the heat…GO!!!” she’d said fiercely. The ten year old ran for his life.

“You fool! How dare you skulk around MY castle and enter MY room to look in MY MIRROR!!!” the woman towered over her, shouting.

The girl cowered, protecting herself from the expected beating. Instead, she received hard kicks in the tender place between her ribs. She screamed and cried until the woman backed away. She ran back to the darkness and safety of her cell, below ground. She curled around her right side, where the woman had kicked her. At least she’d gotten what she was after, a glimpse of herself.

                “Lorraina,” she whispered, staring into the water.

                “What did you say?” asked the orb, wondering why she was acting so spooked.

                “My name, it must be my name for I recall no other. Lorraina,” she breathed. After all those years lost in the dungeons of the Sorceress’s castle, the girl remembered her name, though nothing of her parents or home. She couldn’t even be sure if the boy were her blood-brother or if they’d become as close as siblings with no relation at all.

                “Well, least one of us has a name,” the orb glowed with sarcasm.

                “Oh, I’m sorry. I suppose you do need a name, don’t you?” mused Lorraina. “Well, what would you like to be called? I’m horrible with names, and it doesn’t feel right, the ignorant naming the enlightened.”

                “You want me to choose?” the orb was spinning and glowing with delight. “Well now, there are so many to choose from…Bob, Charley, Aura of Jafar…what is an appropriate name for an orb created by magic through song? Something musical and magical, I suppose, well…what do you think?”

                “I think you’re right, after all my song created the magic and the magic created you, so that makes sense,” she replied gingerly.

                “Wait…what was the name of the song? That would be fitting,” he said excitedly.

                “Oh, I don’t think it fits you. The song is “The Place Where They Cried,” and it’s about the death of the Old Ones,” she mourned.

                “Well, I could take the name of the Old One who taught it to you,” he said hopefully.

                “If you insist. Her name was Ohana, and it was taught to her by her father Yamagi. He was called Yama for short, and was believed to be a demon by some demented culture,” she informed him dourly.

                “Yama…I like it. Call me Yama,” said the orb, and that was that.

Author's Note

Advanced critique welcome

Reviews

[James Watts]

Nice piece. I don't see a problem with the POV switch, as it was used in dialogue. You are writing in third person. In third person the narrator knows all. Just don't switch POV in the middle of a paragraph or do it way too often...then it's confusing. As for end of dialogue tags. I didn't see a problem. It is best to stick with said and asked for the most part but not the whole time. Words like replied or the few that you have used in this piece are fine. When it comes down to it, if you are to get this published, it will your publisher's editor who decides a big deal little gems like that.

[Lorelee Tate]

An interesting chapter. In all honesty, I liked the previous better. Just my opinion, of course.

I thought that this chapter was a little too brief. This was probably due to a lack of description. The chapter just progressed quickly, mostly through dialogue, and ended very quickly. Personally, I felt as though the chapter hadn't even really started yet. I would recommend adding a lot more description here in order to better draw in the reader and flesh it out.

I liked the memory, but I thought it could have had a bit more substance. What did the sorceress look like when she was shouting? What did the mirror look like? Why was she so anxious to see her reflection in the first place? Also, when she looks into the pool and notices how different she looks now, it might help to give some examples. Maybe she's thinner, maybe her hair is lighter now from sunlight, maybe she's pale from being inside for too long. Don't just tell your reader that she looks different now and expect them to believe it. Show them.

So there weren't any tense switches in this chapter, but there were a few point of view switches. Switching points of view, like switching tenses, can be confusing to the reader. The first place I noticed it was when Lorraina was staring, and then the orb was wondering. The reader couldn't know that the orb was wondering without being in the orb's point of view. Maybe Lorraina can guess that the orb is wondering something, but she can't be sure without getting into the orb's mind.

I don't know if you know what a said-bookism is, but I noticed quite a few of them here. A said-bookism is basically any word that replaces said or asked. Now, it's all right to use them sparingly, but not regularly. The problem with said-bookisms is that they're distracting. With said, the reader just glances right over without paying too much attention to a single word. The reader isn't supposed to pay attention to the dialogue tag, but the dialogue itself. When the tag is distracting, that becomes more difficult. Some examples I noticed were (not in any particular order) whispered, mused, breathed, mourned, and informed.

All right, another suggestion relating to dialogue. There were a few places where the dialogue closed with a comma, but there was no real tag after it. A comma is only used before a tag (she said, he said, etc.). In all other cases, use a period. So, ""Well, least one of us has a name," the orb glowed with sarcasm," would be ""Well, least one of us has a name." The orb glowed with sarcasm."

I hope my suggestions are of help to you.

[With Each Raindrop Come..]

I like It! rawr name i CHarley god dangit! lmao!

[lAcEy_LoO's Poems Site]

I NICKNAMING IT CHARLEY!!!!!!!!! It was a great so far... cant wait to read more!!!!!!!