The Prophetic Journey

The first two characters are introduced, though one is created by another.

Bright light rained into the cavern to reveal a fragile looking creature. Pale skin, dry cracked lips, pink scarring on the legs; she was truly in a state of pain and not nearly fit enough to take on the journey she’d already begun. The sound of running water echoed from deeper within her hiding place. She tried to stand on shaky knees and limped her way back into the darkness. She followed the echoes to the back of the cavern to find a labyrinth of other caverns. “Amazing,” she breathed. She’d only heard of the magnificent mazes in legend. The times of old were heralded for the magnificence of the maze races, and only those with purest of heart were allowed to use the magic songs to find their way. The first to the center was shown a place of absolute paradise where they were allowed to live for the rest of their days. According to legend, she who reached the center entered a world of everlasting music, a heaven of lyrical bliss:

A running sound signals the start

Do not attempt if faint of heart

Many perils herein lie

And those who fail are doomed to die

By morning come,

If none have won,

Then it is not meant to be.

Yet salvation comes

If one has done

By morning three

The old rhyme played over and over in her head.

“No, I am not worthy. I’m only here because I could not face that old witch. Me, worthy? More like me the coward.”

Still, she couldn’t help but wonder about the running sound. No one had figured out what that meant, for only the competitors knew, and the one who succeeded lived in bliss and those who failed were killed. Yet, she’d already completed a portion of the prophecy…but it was the middle. Surely it would occur in order! Not necessarily said her other half. 

She decided to at least find the water. She’d only eaten at noon the day before, and had run half the night. Besides, her power came from her voice, and her voice couldn’t function without water. It was nearly pitch black now, and she hummed herself up a ball of light; it bounced before her, illuminating her path. It was an easy tune, one with lots of repetition, so she could think and hum without being distracted. Suddenly it occurred to her; maybe she could throw in some incidentals and harmonics, to turn the ball of light into a guide. Thinking nothing would happen anyway, she did. Her song became more lulling and sweet, as if to coax her light into consciousness.

Half-expecting it to fail, she watched, awestruck, as the ball took on a life of its own, and light changed color according to direction. On the maps, North was Green, East was Blue, South was Red, and West was Yellow, and somehow the ball used these colors to guide her as it bounced along. For combination directions, the ball acted as a compass, splitting itself into two colors according to the varying degrees of direction. Shocked, she focused on putting more and more of herself into the song, giving the ball more and more of her power. It didn’t take long for her to realize that she was completely lost, after all the guide may have known where it was going, but the girl had absolutely no clue, but she was so thirsty. She feared if she did not get water soon, she wouldn’t be able to even hum, as she was. Suddenly the ball stopped, suspended in midair. It spun so incredibly fast, it became little more than a blur. Then, just as suddenly, the spinning stopped, and it began to…wait, that’s not possible…light has no voice…yet, it was talking.

“Hello, it’s about time you figured it out. You are the one, destined to once again open the gate closed for so many centuries. Your blood smells of the ones of old, and your ancestors await you in the music of nature,” the voice said very solemnly. It bobbed and swayed, as if it were sizing her up. “Oh, dear, what on earth did you do? You look, well, like an escaped prisoner,” it said concerned.

Apparently, it expected an answer of sorts. She could not sing, barely continued to hum and feared to stop, therefore she could not speak. So, she hummed and trilled to convey her answer. Seemingly, the ball understood.

“Oh, well then let’s get you some water,” and with that it began speeding along again, still changing colors.

Reviews

[Lorelee Tate]

Overall, a good chapter. I have a few suggestions, though.

Like in the previous chapter, there were a few tense switches here. I noticed them mostly in the first paragraph. Since I've already covered this, I won't bother taking up space here with it.

My second comment also has to do with the first paragraph, specifically these sentences: "Bright light rained into the cavern to reveal a fragile looking creature. Pale skin, dry cracked lips, pink scarring on the legs, and her eyes flutter open. The sound of running water comes from deeper within her hiding place. She tries to stand on shaky knees and limps her way back into the darkness." The thing with these sentences is that they're all approximately the same length. To a reader, a group of consecutive sentences all the same length sounds choppy and forced. In other words, it damages the flow of the writing. Sometimes doing this can be very effective, but in most cases it's best to avoid it. Simply rewrite a few of the sentences to make them longer (I wouldn't try making any of these much shorter) in order to make it sound more natural.

One thing in particular confused me: She sings the ball into a guide, and then gets lost? Wouldn't the ball prevent that, or did her song not work correctly?

The physical description in this chapter is, for the most part, very good. However, except for sound, there aren't many other senses engaged here. What does the cavern smell like? Can she taste anything in her mouth? What does everything around her feel like? Including these details will help ground your reader and make the setting more believable.

In all honesty, I found this chapter to be slightly confusing. Granted, I've had a very long day so I might not be thinking as clearly, but I just didn't get parts of it. There was the mention of the witch and the whole idea of the prophecy, both of which didn't seem explain very well here. Perhaps there's more later, but I personally felt that there should have been more here in order to better draw in the reader and make them want to go on. Who was this witch anyway? Perhaps a short memory of her might convince the reader of exactly why she needed to get away. This is a very short chapter. You've got plenty of room to expand.

Again, I hope you find these suggestions useful and that you don't take them too personally.

[James Watts]

Nice work. Keep up the good work.

[With Each Raindrop Come..]

Very cryptic! I love it! keep it going!