It Begins

Prologue

She was running, feet flying to carry her body as fast as possible. Screams echoed through the forest, off the mountains, and resonated from within the now distant cavern-homes behind. Can’t stop, don’t stop, keep running; must keep running. Her survival depended on running as far away as fast as possible, and she knew it. Don’t look back. Don’t stop. Keep running. Must keep running. More screams, higher in pitch. Can’t cry, there’s no time for crying. Crying will only slow me down. I have to keep running. I can mourn when I’m safe, if I’m ever safe. She dropped. Whimpering, she crawled into a cavern hidden behind brambles with thorns the size of needles.

Reviews

[Lorelee Tate]

An interesting start. I have a couple suggestions for you.

I'm guessing that this is a prologue, in which case I would like to thank you for writing a prologue that isn't just a history lesson. That sort of thing is just a little overdone. This is much more exciting, not to mention interesting.

There was a change of tenses in the very first line. First, she /was/ running (past tense) and then screams /echo/ (present tense). It's generally a good idea not to switch tenses, since this can confuse your reader. Either make everything past tense or make everything present tense. This also happened later, when her survival /depends/, and then she /dropped/.

My next suggestion has to do with this sentence: "Crying causes blurry vision, which will only slow me down." My concern with this sentence is that it sounds a little too rational for someone who's panicked. When I'm panicked, I certainly don't think that clearly. It just doesn't seem realistic to me. Of course, this is just my opinion. I would recommend just taking out the first part of the sentence about crying causing blurry vision.

I hoe you find this helpful.

[M.J. Roberts]

very intriguing

[Puella M. W.]

Dear KatWolfeWrenn,

I'm so hooked! Keep it up! I'm glad you don't have too much "back story" or anything. That bores me sick.

I didn't even notice the tenses or anything, mainly coz I was so focussed on the tense action. It's got a driving pace - I can't put it down!

- Puella M. W.

[James Watts]

All I can say is that it is not bad. As for the tense thing...not seeing the issue with Screams, as they way you used it. She was hearing screams. I agree with not switching tense but for how you used the word screams it is fine.

[With Each Raindrop Come..]

Very Odd! wanting to know where you go with this! Keep Going!

[lAcEy_LoO's Poems Site]

Wow that was great cant wait for the rest of the story