Journal -

It's just one of those nights again where I'm tossing and turning because I can't sleep . I feel empty … I don’t even know how to explain how I feel I'm just sinking into my depression I guess. I don’t feel like I'm really important to anyone . I don’t feel like anyone really depends on me… I guess that's why I feel like giving up so much . I kind of just feel like a shadow most of the time . I mean , yeah , I have friends … they talk to me , but I just feel lonely on the inside . All love does is hurt and burn and end. I'm tired of getting my heart broken … I'm tired of planning a future that won't even happen in the end. I'm tired of giving all my hope into people who just let me down, that's why I find it hard to trust . I'm tired of giving everything to those who won't give me anything in return . Maybe I'm just too much of a f**k up for people to handle . My mind has just been warped into believing that I'm a piece of s**t . When you hear people say it over and over again it's hard not to believe it . I feel like cutting again . I know it's wrong and people think it's weird and s**t but I don’t know it just … in a strange f*****g way it makes me feel better . But because of the fact I'm on the swim team I'd rather not advertise my scars to everyone… People judge me enough. I'm fucked up in the head . Maybe I'm crazy . I'm tired of being hurt . I'm nervous for others to fall for me because I don’t want to hurt them with my issues . My heart and mind are vulnerable, and I'm doing my best to guard them but I might just be making things worse by doing that . I'm really confused and lost . I thought I was actually going somewhere with my life and I found the one I could happily spend it with but he just abandoned me too… He didn't care as much as I did. He didn't want a relationship as much as I did, and it hurts badly. Especially when I gave everything to him. I depended on him too much for my own good. I trusted him too much for my own good. I loved him too much for my own good. And now look where I'm at again; hurt, confused, angry, and heart broken. I'm so f*****g tired of feeling hurt . I may walk around with a smile on my face but on the inside I'm f*****g dying . I hide the pain I feel most of the time because I feel like if I turn to someone about my problems they will just abandon me . I don't blame them either. Who would want to listen to all my irrelevant bullshit anyway? No one really gives a s**t … So why bother telling people about it? Love is a very fucked up emotion . Love can make people so happy and joyful but at the same time it can make people suicidal. Love is always picture f*****g perfect in the beginning but usually it just withers away and leaves people heart broken and miserable in the end . So why risk it ? Why risk having your heart ripped out and crushed ? Because no matter how hard you f*****g try you can't control who you fall in love with . Isn't that f*****g wonderful ?