[Loose the light upon the lawn and]

Loose the light upon the lawn and

Let the tulips and asparagus

Thrive.  Long ago when all was gone

There were lilacs up near Sponder's.

I know because I picked them for

My mother.  She loved them.  But she

Died before many seasons had passed,

And then flowers and apple-trees

Had less meaning and so did just

About everything else.  A farmer

I was not.  Yet once I did steal

Sunflower seeds.  And I planted

Them.  Big yellow sunflowers 

Bloomed in the lawn.  I confessed.

My mother took me to the store I stole

Them from.  She paid.  I apologized. 

Loose the light upon the lawn and

Let the tulips and asparagus

Thrive.  Long ago I planted flowers

And vegetables.  They all had seeds.

Firestone Feinberg

Reviews

[bobc]

D...I really like this one. A truly touching memory of a mother trying to teach a lesson to you. (Called to mind a time my mother did the same thing around something I'd stolen too.) I don't often like repetition in a poem but it works well here...the echo of the first lines in the last stanza. Well, well done...bobc

[Firestone Feinberg]

Our mothers taught us to do the right thing. God bless them. Glad you liked the poem and it brought back some memories (of petty theft!). Am experimenting with actual repetition in poems. I always liked it but although I used it regularly in lyric song-writing, I have rarely applied it to poetry. I like it because it unifies the poem and makes more of formal composition out of it. Thanks for your review. --David

[bobc]

I've used repetition a few times myself...we all do. I find that in my own poetry and in poetry I look at, sometimes it can work but most often it just doesn't. To myself, I've tried to articulate why that is but haven't been able to put it in words...I just know when it feels right and when it doesn't.

I've re-read your piece here and I think it might work here because the the last stanza is an echo of the first in the two lines but comes with different concluding lines. I liked that about it.

I completely agree that repetition works so much better in lyric song-writing. My absolute favourite example of a great lyric that just doesn't work as a poem is Excuse Me Mister by John Martyn. The song is breathtaking to me but when I looked closely at the words on the page, they didn't have the same feeling.

Take care.