Chapter One: The Prophecy

The Gods must have been angry enough to begin a war because the worst storm in centuries raged outside the castle in the Aetnian Kingdom. Zeus threw bolts of lightning, whilst Thor struck the clouds with his mighty hammer. Aheramenmthoou caused the sides of mountains to fall away in the distant north, made the sea to the east swell with fury, and kept the wind strong enough to knock trees of the southern forests over. The Queen remained inside, as did most of the kingdom. All of the Aetnian people waited out the storm, except for the Queen’s three children. 

The fifteen year old triplets were out on the grounds training. The brothers, Aahmes and Ptolemy practiced their swordsmanship, fighting each other with no concern for safety. The young men were striking and parrying quickly, dancing around each other with grace and skill without hitting one another. Every time their swords struck there was a crack of thunder, timed perfectly with the clanging of their blades. There was no sound coming from either one of them; it was a silent fight. The only other sounds that were unrelated to the storm were the sounds of a dragon roaring distance above them. They were covered in mud, but that did not bother them, as they were focused on the next move. Aahmes’ wet auburn hair fell in front of his eyes; he could not see what his brother was doing. Aahmes knew what Ptolemy would do next however, and ducked, stepped to the right, and parried a strike knocking Ptolemy’s sword to the ground. Aahmes raised his sword to his brother’s neck. Ptolemy raised his hands slowly in defeat; his brother brought down his sword and sheathed it. There was another roar echoing with the roll of thunder in the distance.

“Looks like this round belongs tome brother.” Aahmes claimed proudly, hands raised in success. Lighting flashed violently in the clouds and thunder rolled as if in celebration of his victory.

“One in three; you’re skilled Aahmes and your inability to see during that round proves that you were one step ahead of me. You just need to keep your head about you and don’t let your opponent get the best of you.” Ptolemy advised. 

           

 “My opponents do not get the best of me!” Aahmes argued crossly. He folded his arms across his chest and placed his feet firmly on the ground. Insulted by his brother’s comment Aamhes glared at Ptolemy intensely as if he were trying to control his brother’s mind. Lightning struck the ground just three-hundred north of them as if summoned by Aamhes in anger.  

“You hesitate, which leaves you open to others’ attacks and cause you to miss the openings for you to strike.” Ptolemy explained. “When you have to trust that you know what to do and use all of your senses you don’t hesitate and you win.” There was another roar much closer this time the two looked up and saw a purple dragon swoop down just a few hundred feet from their heads.

          

  Overhead it was their sister, Zahra, whom was flying the dragon. The massive purple reptile was weaving between trees and gracefully not hitting even a branch. Together, Zahra and the dragon, Malandra, were dodging lightning; as it struck, Malandra's scales shined a bright, metallic purple. The girl and her dragon were in perfect harmony, moving together in one continuous motion. The grace they carried was like that of a performer on the silk ropes at feast.  

Zahra’s flaming red hair was straight as an arrow running all the way to the base of her spine because of the water that was weighing it down. She had a bow in her left hand and an arrow in her right. She rose her bow and took aim at a practice dummy released her arrow. The arrow struck the dummy in the center of the chest from five hundred yards away, on dragon back in the middle of a storm. Satisfied with her shot she sheathed her bow and she and Malandra landed in the center of the practice field, just a few hundred feet to the right of her brothers. She had always been skilled in archery. She had learned from an elf and quickly became as good a shot as an elf is.

 

Zahra dismounted into a vast stretch of mud splashing up to her knees upon touching the ground. She turned around and stroked the dragon’s snout in praise.

“Off now Malandra, you did well today.” She told her dragon and Malandra walked off to the stable. As Zahra ran to her brothers, mud splattered up her back. She reached the spot her brothers were standing.

“A most intriguing fight today, the both of you” Zahra told them as she patted each of them on their back. Ptolemy and Aahmes set a hand on their sister’s shoulder.

“That shot was absolutely brilliant Zahra!” Ptolemy said proudly.

“Yes it is surly your best yet!”Aahmes told her excitedly. 

“It was a good a good shot. I wish Talila had seen it.” Zahra said speaking louder than normal so she could be heard over the thunder.

“Of course I saw that great display of your elf like skill. I never miss a practice.” The voice of their Elven servant and dear friend Talila said from just behind them.

 

“You all did well today, now hurry off to your chambers to change or your mother will be cross.” Talila said as she motioned for them to get going.

******

The door to the castle slammed shut almost suddenly. All of the candles lighting the grand entrance had been blown out by the wind that shut the large mahogany doors leaving the silent and dark. The storm raging outside meant that the Gods were not in their usual good mood.

“They have never been this upset.”The beloved Queen Orithyia said a bit worried to herself as she paced around the empty throne room. Her elegant blue floor length gown swaying side to side as she walked. Candlelight danced off the sapphires she wore and her shoes kept a steady tempo as she walked back and forth. Her mind trailed off into thought. Her eyes wondered the room and fell upon her throne; crafted from the bones of her dragon with green velvet cushions and elaborate gold decoration. Her eyes shifted to the wall behind the throne, to the wall that bore the painting of the Prophecy of the Trinity. 

“Hundreds of years have passed and the prophecy has yet to be fulfilled” Stated Ahmen Ra as he walked through the door.

 

“My lord God of sun, what brings you to my palace?” Orithyia said with a surprised tone.

“The prophecy is what brings me here. You remember it don’t you Orithyia?” He asked

“Yes, lord, I remember it well” The words of rang through the room as she spoke them. “The trinity of a queen forced to choose between dark and light in the plight of the God’s war. Only one shall choose the path that leads to victory.” Her words lingered in the room as they echoed off the walls.

 “Yes, that prophecy will finally come to be, you see majesty you are the chosen queen of the prophecy.” Ahmen Ra paused as if to let the Queen catch up with his sentence.

“You are putting the world’s fate in the hands of three fifteen year olds? Have you all gone completely mad?”Orithyia shot back in shock.

“The answer is yes and quite possibly. Your children are well prepared, since they have been training since the age of two. ” The storm raged even louder as Zeus burst through the throne room door with a flash of lightning.

“Ahmen Ra you must leave now. Your dragons have escaped and are tormenting the citizens of the sky kingdom Asteria.” Zeus said as the storm continued to roll on.

“Oh, well that is not good. I will go and get those rascals home.” Ahmen Ra said as he bowed farewell and left together his dragons. 

“Could you please continue explaining why three children are in control of the fate of the world?”Orithyia demanded.

“They have until their eighteenth birthday to train, and then they must choose their paths.” Zeus said then walked out and took leave to his own palace in Asteria. Orithyia sat down in her throne to ponder what she had been told and a voice echoed in the large room. 

“There is nothing that can be done to change it; the prophecy will be played out as it was foretold and you have no power over it.” The deep booming voice of Zeus echoed throughout the throne room

Reviews

[Renvek]

Howdy,

I can see by your comments below that you are putting in the hours to build up this story. The passion for writing is one that I understand well to have a story locked up inside you waiting to get out sometimes is over whelming. As a working rough draft this is a story that has potential however there are some points to be worked on. First is what point of view are you trying to work with? The narration comes across as bouncing between omniscient and third person limited. I personally dislike an omniscient point of view because most authors who use it misuse it. I have read some notable exceptions when working with omniscient points of view take the person that starts the scene and stick with it until you convey their part of the story then make a paragraph break like this:


Then start with the next person's point of view until you convey the story that they need to tell. It makes it easier for the reader to understand that their point of view has shifted and be able to identify with the character now in focus.

In this story so far you have been telling the story but not showing us what is going on. An example of showing us versus telling us:

Overhead it was their sister, Zahra, whom was flying the dragon. The massive purple reptile was weaving between trees and gracefully not hitting even a branch. Together, Zahra and the dragon, Malandra, were dodging lightning; as it struck, Malandra's scales shined a bright, metallic purple. The girl and her dragon were in perfect harmony, moving together in one continuous motion. The grace they carried was like that of a performer on the silk ropes at feast.  

Re-writing it to show rather than tell:

Aahmes looked up at the dragon circling lower and wider as it tipped on side banking as it slowly drifted through the rain peering below. He could see the unmistakable form of his sister Zahra resting between the ridges on the back of the purple dragon Malendra. It became clear that the widening circles had been for the dragon to pick his path through the trees so he could glide to a landing in the small clearing as he straightened out the flight and flawlessly dodged tree branches and lightning. Aahmes caught his breath with each burst of lightning, Malendra's scales would flash reflecting the deep purple scales that made up his skin and highlighted the terrible grace that was the large dragon's ability to move through the air in such tight places. His sister was no less graceful moving in tight to the dragons back able to anticipate the dragon's next turn. The grace they carried was like that of a performer on the silk ropes at feast.  

I loved that last sentence and had to include it in the re-write to illustrate what I meant by showing us. Using a 3rd person limited omniscient view in an overall omniscient point of view story allows you to tell us how to feel and how we should feel without saying -- Feel inspired and awed by this. It also gives us the impression that his sister has qualities that impress her brother or brothers.

My last critique is the use of Egyptian, Norse, and Greek gods in one story as if they are all on the same side. In a story like this you the author have to assume that the people who like this kind of story will also have liked Percy Jackson, The mummy, or like me played Dark age of Camelot and spent years playing a viking and reading about the lore. You are allowing my preconceived views of these deities slant my view of your world. One of the historical notes is that these were all jealous gods and would have been at war with each other and would not have stopped in and visited with a single mortal person to help her because they would have been helping a member of another gods religion. Give us your gods names and how they work together and yet have wars that makes me believe that you have thought about how your world works.

I hope this helps when you go to edit it next.

Alan

[Kasey Miriam]

Thank you so much for the input. This will really help me. I've grown to almost hate the time I've put into this

[Renvek]

Remember writing is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.
Renvek

[Jake]

This is a good start. I like the way you set up the siblings' activity choice and the involvement of deities in their lives without their knowledge. The dialogue is well-thought-out, and i can tell you worked hard for a high-fantasy-style prose. That being said, I suggest that, if you really are attempting to movie into high fantasy, you might use some older sounding words. For example, use of contractions can take away from that feeling (as I have found in my own writing). Use of old English words can be helpful as well. Beowulf and Lord of the Rings are good source material for those, although I sometimes use a dictionary. Shortening sentences might help the reader more easily follow your points. Also, your descriptions are vivid and very poetic.

[Amesie]

Loving this still, but one thing I have to say is the prophecy is so common knowledge the queen would be a dumb a*s not to believe it was about her family. Also wondering if the triplets themselves know....really enjoying your story, loved Zahras entrance :)

[Kasey Miriam]

She had a hold on the possibility but prophecies in my general thought process are passed down through the ages and unfold on their own. I'm very happy you enjoy the story so far. Thank you for reading.

[Amesie]

No problem. Keep writing :)

[Ryan Henderson]

Again, very good story so far. I like the way the story flows and does not leave gaps in the events. I like the character development in this chapter, as I did in the preface. I like the idea of having a 'prophecy' in books, as it often makes for a very well flowing read. I feel that the whole prophecy aspect gives a little bit of a prelude to what is to come in the story. I love your book so far!

[Kasey Miriam]

Thank you. I've worked hard on the characters. They are a part of me.

[Ryan Henderson]

As the characters in my books are a part of me :) I feel that in the process of making characters for a story/book, you will inevitably put some of yourself into each one, doing this makes the characters unique.

[Kasey Miriam]

Exactly! Many of my characters are based on dear friends and family with a bit of me in each one.

[Ryan Henderson]

As they should be :)

[Silent Wolf]

I love this, and I can't wait to read more when I get the time.

[Kasey Miriam]

Thank you so much!

[Stephen]

First off, my apologies to review your write so late. I was .. even am still busy with my stuffs which`s why I .. jus.. just .... but yeah, Now I got some time just for you to read your stuffs & it`s my honour to devote some time on your pages. You know what? You`ve well praised the glamour of “Orithyia” & now she`s getting in my head ~~~ diving into the ocean of my heart. Her beautiful white gown. Curly blonde hair. Sweet sounding melodic voice and the walk.. oh.. Ah *Sigh* .. Her walk .. makes the world silent listening to hear melodic chirp. She makes my heart beating and pumping up dominantly the way the life`s always wild! ~~ Freaking Hell ~~ “Orithyia” beauty`s made me blinded on her. Ha! I`m feeling that i`m a sexy King of that beautiful “Orithiya” .. Umm, but what I think is, i`m already a hottest king of ALL beautiful “ORITHIYASSSS” .. ain`t I? Ha! *Wink*

Secondly, what the most lovable part of the chapter I love`s .. your “Proper Punctuations with the proper timing.” Most of the writers forget or may be, they negotiate using “Commas, semi-columns, exclamation signs and so on .. with the sentences but here in this chapter, you`ve AGAIN got a plus point for using proper grammar with some high vocabulary sentences. Very good. I`m impressed!! I find this write very religious at some points and like a myth at the same time because many sentences are plucked up from the ancient theme and which`s I love the most indeed. It`s a fav. Part of mine that you used such kinda beautiful ancient proverbs with the proper verbs and adjectives.

I`ve found one more thing in some writers that they always ignore the strength of the chapters (As i`ve already mentioned you in the prologue) but you didn`t make the same mistake as they make, most of the time, so, yeah ... this`s another or the IInd plus point you`ve got in the same chapter .. which showed how passionate you are about your writing.

“(I believe, we can judge a writer`s skill through his/her words because his/her words are his/her thoughts and his/her thoughts reflects the thinking of his/her mind how creative or less-creative it is, every one has got some talent so, I believe, no mind`s less creative, it`s only a way to let the expressions of heart shown in words... & here your talent, the creations, the thoughts .. the beauty SHINED UP)”

Last, I loved the theme of the chapter you came up with. The characters are well depicted in words, I like how you managed the entry of “Zahra” .. when two brothers practicing for war. I`m stunned to see this thing. To be honest, a great writer who`s able to make some pristine images on his readers mind.. through the words`s not only even a great writer but a great reader as well who better knows how to become a great author with the time ... &, it`s true that, such sorta skills are well founded in you.

I was really looking for finding some errors, mistakes in your this chapter so that I could criticize you not to make ya upset but helping you out but I think, you never let anyone go to criticize you or may be, you never give a chance to make you criticize and that`s what I love about you and your stuffs as well. How much efforts you`ve put jotting down this chapter`s been well expressed through this beautiful write and I appreciate it. I always adore writers who take writing seriously not for a fun & your passion for writing`s well shined up in words as well. Hey, Kasey, you really make me impressed .. yeah, Kasey, you just done it!! You did an excellent job!!

[Kasey Miriam]

Oryritha hit you just how I wanted her to. Each character has a deep story to them and they will unfold to the reader. My characters are based off my life and some stories are based off situations I've been through. I'm so glad that the story is recived with out and real mistakes. I edit each chapter several times after writing, but am always looking for more that readers would change.
Thank you so much again! I'm so very glad you enjoyed this chapter.

[Kasey Miriam]

You have yet again made my day very much brighter thank you so much!

[Stephen]

Yeah .. and you done a very great job here. Me too always intend to make the readers feel what I want them to feel not what they want to .. because it`s a greatest quality of writer and which`s well developed in you indeed. If I truly say, then Yeah .. no doubt, you`re always a well developed writer to me. Umm, Oh I c .. well, if that`s a bit based on your life`s story then I think, you`ve creatively expressed the moments of your life ~~~ blending them with your artistry. That`s very good and creative .. i`m impressed. Yeah .. reading chapters or stuffs billions of times is what makes the writes much beautiful and I always love re-reading or re-editing my writes as well because that`s all what the great writers do. Ha~ *Wink* I`m glad to make your day more beautiful with my words, it`s an honor to me to get an opportunity to make some smiles on your face and it`s really an honor to me to read your stuffs all the time ;)

[Kasey Miriam]

Thank you once again! I am glad you enjoy reading my work because I certainly welcome you and your wonderful reviews.

[A. Amos]

Lot of work going on in this tale and enjoyed the whole read. You must have done allot of research on the subject, great write my friend

[Coyote Poetry]

A very entertaining chapter. I like the battle and the reaction of the three children. I like how you are using the Gods of myth to give strength and purpose to the tale. Remember the basic. Who, what, when, where and how in each situation. Make the situation come alive and strong. A good example is George R. Martin book "Games of Thrones." Every scene came alive in the book. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote

[Kasey Miriam]

And thank you. I am more motivated than ever.