Lovesick Fools

My feelings manifested themselves in the eyes of a stranger. He went with what he perceived to be true and his judgement of me was correct as it worked out in his favour when we exchanged hellos; He could see that I was stuck with this never ending endeavour in finding a lover. I was enticed by this unknown someone; his words and his gentle touch caressed my mind and my body. It was from there on I was under his control but my inner self which I was hearing impaired to, was crying out to be free from this.

I could see from where I was standing that this guy was facing loneliness; he was in need of someone worthy of his love. He was intrigued by this mystique that stood before him with feline characteristics as she walked over to him. Hello I said to this entranced man whose delayed reply said it all.

Deep down in the pit of my stomach, I had this sense that this was only false hope and that this new admirer had no interest in me, except for the hidden beauty that lay beneath the material that held on to me like my heart held onto him. He cunningly worked his way into my life; I was a puppy at his feet longing for attention and a feeling of happiness.

 He was my slave and I had the power to control him; he was drawn by the sound of my voice which was a melody to his ears but also deafening. Not once did he deny me, not once did I not take advantage of his every agreement. I vigorously played his heart like an instrument but he was blinded by love so he was immune to the pain.

I try to cover up my body as best as I can, mainly from the shame I feel within me. I cannot even look at myself in the mirror as I am disgusted with what I am faced with. I leave with the money that was only just last week, his. I take it and shake my head; why did I take it you ask? My hypothesis is that I was in desperation of a finding a lover and when I realised that what I thought was true happiness was all a lie, I moved on to the next best thing which was indeed his money. Before I leave, I turned to face him; I looked him in his sinister eyes and left before another word passed my lips.

He tried to escape my grasp when he realised what my aim was but couldn’t bring himself to leave, his body trying to run but his mind and heart forcing him to stay. He reluctantly looks up at me, the malevolent smile on my face is all he needed to see in order to know what my intent was but although having full apprehension of my intent, he still allowed me to do as I please although he wanted to turn away from me and run away from my mischievous ways. After I am done with this worthless man, he is left with this excruciating pain in his chest as I let out a malicious laugh. I order him out my door and he even almost declines my demand but what stops him is the hurt in his heart which has overpowered the feeling toward this spiteful devil encased in the body of a goddess.

Reviews

[Victorious]

Dear Raphh,

One thing I see as I've read all of this is that perhaps this story is better said in a third point of view than a first point of view. I get that first point of view gives you glasses to your world, but the way it reads sound better in third point of view, but that's just my opinion. The syntax of this sentence is weird. It needs to be revised, "It was from there on I was under his control but my inner self which I was hearing impaired to, was crying out to be free from this." I understood what you were saying, but it seemed so scrunched in there when it could be laid out to express the inner self screaming for attention. Other than that, the story started off relative to what I think the average teen or any woman goes through. The bad boy, the dangerous one, you know? I enjoyed this line very much, " I was enticed by this unknown someone; his words and his gentle touch caressed my mind and my body."

Could have went deeper here, "He was intrigued by this mystique that stood before him with feline characteristics as she walked over to him. Hello I said to this entranced man whose delayed reply said it all." Like what feline characteristics were you talking about?

I particularly liked the last line in the third paragraph. Happiness, something fleeting and not lasting and so I see you were forced to find another who could satisfy you once the happiness is gone. Ugh, this all seems so familiar, I want to cry, well up until the money part. The wording of the last paragraph was great and almost perfect. Wonderful concept and nicely expressed.

Thanks for sharing!

Sincerely Victorious

God bless you!

[TheSweet]

This was really good. I really love your wording of things and your descriptions. Most of this is conceptual, leaving a lot of imagery to the imagination - but that doesn't seem to be a problem because you are clear about the situation. It's down to earth - so I like it :) Thank for sharing!

[zainul]

The lovesick appears a real fool.He indulges the spiteful devil encased in the body of a goddess.
It seems the story will go on smoothly as the imagination and presentation of the author are amazing.

[Robbie~xoxo~]

WOW! This story rocks!...you definitely need to continue this. Your main character is strong, cunning, and very mysterious! Love this! Well penned!

[Amila Jay]

An interesting write :))

[Emilie Barn]

It's very interesting and beautiful... Enjoyed reading it... Keep it up =))

[Perfect Mistake]

Beautifully written ^______^ loved the story that was told throughtout this

[Monica]

This is an interesting write. This " devil encased in the body of a goddess"
has taken advantage of the man who loves her, even though it started as a deal, she feels guilt... "I try to cover up my body as best as I can, mainly from the shame I feel within me. I cannot even look at myself in the mirror as I am disgusted with what I am faced with."
Well penned, I enjoyed reading this :)

[Mockingbird]

shows a woman taking advantage of a man who truly loved her. sometimes men bring it on themselves because they could be such suckers. great piece.

[Renée]

Very interesting and wicked !