Waiting on you

Summer has finally set foot in my town

I am simply waiting for you to come down

The temperature is hot, the sun is up high

There are clouds and birds up in the blue sky

 

I’m sitting in the lounge chair, waiting on you

Dreaming about our love, I never really knew

That my life could be like this, feeling so nice

Never really believing, the emotions are precise

 

Now autumn is here and I’m still sitting

I’m not going to stop, I’m completely committing

To a lifetime made for both of us, you and I

I’m just wondering where you are, asking you why

 

Winter is creeping up on me, chilling my bones

You haven’t called me once, there’s no ringing of my phone

The tears that have collected are waiting to fall

I pick up my journal and quickly begin to scrawl

 

Spring has come to take the harsh cold away

But my mind is filled to the brim with grey

I won’t give up on you, until you tell me to

Until you call me up to say that we are through

 

Reviews

[M@]

Well...not your best. I can tell (from reading your other works), that your skills seem to lie in prose, rather than poetry, and there's a few reasons for that and ways I can tell, along with my humble suggestions on how you can have a bit more fun with your poetry.

I feel incredibly trapped by this poem. The rhyme scheme, followed by four-line stanzas, make for a rediculously traditional poem. This, in itself, is not a bad thing. However, your timing with words and your rhythm make for an ackward read, so the perfect end rhymes and perfect punctuation don't help there.

I've read this poem before, but this is the first time I've seen it, meaning here that all the words and imagry you use in this piece to convey a feeling are cliche; they've been used time and time again, and while there's nothing wrong with that, it just means that the poem loses it's impact value that it's capable of having.

One of the coolest exercises to do (in some cases, these exercises can turn into pieces of work) is to pick a singular image or feeling, and trying to convey it in a way that is most unlike the feeling or idea you're trying to convey. Tie it together with other images that give that same feeling, or even use flat out antonyms. Write every single thing you can think of down, and don't get rid of a thing until you think you're done. It's one of the best ways I've found to get yourself thinking of one thing from multiple angles.

You have the basics of poetry, which is a good thing, but through reading your poetry, I feel that you feel forced when writing it (the rhyme schemes, in some places, feel forced). Let loose, don't hold back, all that cliche inspirational stuff, and give your poetry the same kick you give your short stories.

My eyes, once again, send their best regards for the large text.

[julian3]

Such a mixture - sadness and sweetness, despair and hope - a vulnerability which - depending on events - could quite easily flash into a justifiable rage, should the writer find that her commitment had been betrayed by another. The seasonal touches actually 'make' this piece, for me; although the emotions and thoughts of the writer are the true centerpiece, the seasons arrayed around that centerpiece complete it so well.
It reminds me, in a very good way, of a song by the Irish Rovers, who were once very popular in Canada.
The song was called 'Cold Winter Shadow" and one verse went:

When a cold winter shadow I cast on the ground
And frost from the foothills is creeping all around
I now and then glance down the road towards the town
In a kind of a hope you'll be coming on down

And that even reminds me of one of my own songs, but that's another story. Anyway, it all means that your very good work here effects me in a very positive way. Well done.

[Mercury Mirrors]

=[ aww so sad. That's happened to me b4 somewhat IT SUCKS! =[ ur the first other person besides me I've seen on here who's poems rhyme...IM NOT ALONE! :D...anywany beautiful write.

[cyanskye]

I am not much up on poetry but I enjoyed this very much. Your style here was very simplistic, which is exactly what the story needs. Nice job.
C

[Asha Raphael]

"I won't give up on you, until you tell me to
Until you call me up to say that we are through"

. . . it's so well written. i loved it so much :)

[Samith Pich]

Hahaha this poem me laugh, i'm sorry, it's just that the main character is a nutter. yes it could've been true love or they could be a slightly possesed, mildly psychotic person.. waiting! On another note (more seriously) it is obviously about a relationship (either real or imagined) but i saw possibilities of this poem about a person and their experience of loosing their youth, or perhaps the painfully retracted relationship between a person and their belief and god?? anyways i digress

I really liked how you gave this poem much more setting, even though the details are sparce (sun, clouds, bird, couh) they surfice. Your stanza division is used superbly to create a sense of time and rythym.

I'm not in an incredibley romantic mood today but I could see that this poem ends somewhat hopefully (with teh onset of spring) though the ;ast line sounds a bit resigning don't u think??

[An owl on the moon]

A deep beauty runs through this work, moving with the seasons in a relationship. The sadness falls like rain as one moves through the lonely end of this once vital love that you picture so vividly. Just beautiful! Love your writing here!

[Jason]

I feel the coming and going of the seasons very much like relationships that come and go. This was a very good poem.

[Ronda]

Awwww, that is so sad. I hate the waiting on them! This is a good poem. Straight forward and to the point. I liked it!

[Charisma Moonfairy]

This is a very sad poem but a very good one at the same time. Good write.