Childhood and Feelings Relating to the Holy Spirit Works

Just a brief run through about remembering my childhood and the feelings surrounding the works of the Holy Spirit.

I started remembering my childhood after getting screwed over on jobs, losing my bank account, taking frustrations out by weightlifting for several years, taking a testosterone booster cycle, and getting the third lumbar spinal problem which made me sit still. Sitting still was the worst thing to do. Lifting weights betters the pain. After all this happening I watched Youtube videos on the internet. The videos I watched were about the Afganistan battles. After one certain video, I quickly had the memory of being hanged in the corner of my room so Osama Bin Laden was handed over for SEAL Team six to kill. It quickly came back that a Special Forces soldier stabbed a man in the throat at the basement door, which is right under my bedroom window. The memories slowly came back, little by little. After watching the "Secrets of SEAL Team Six" Discovery Channel program, I remembered Ryan Zinke being the man whom I handed the drawing of Osama Bin Laden. It was like Deja vu, literally. After watching the program and seeing the man, I remembered the man. Same with Mykel Hawke. After watching his program "Man Woman Wild" on the Discovery Channel, it was Deja vu. I said to myself, "You were the guy who grabbed that man and cut his esophagus in two pieces".  I remember the events like I have seen them from a third person viewpoint. It seems I've literally seen the events take place like I was standing in several different places when they happened. When Mykel Hawke killed the intruder at our residence, it seems like I was sort of there seeing it. When Hawke was shot in the head, I saw that happen though I was sitting in my room with Ryan Zinke standing in my bedroom. I saw it happen though. Hawke was tossing something in the air and the officer barked orders. Hawke just looked at the officer and continued what he was doing. This creates chaos in my head at times. It creates severe cases of anxiety along with mixed feelings about everything that happened. An example would be the man getting stabbed and killed. Team six got the order from the Holy Spirit to kill Osama. Great, right? That was for Osama shooting and killing a young male child so people feared him. No justice, only a piece of trash removed from the planet. The mother still sat and watched her child get murdered. A local man who couldn't listen to some Special Forces soldiers lost his life over this. His wife lost her husband. Why? Little old me wanted Bin Laden DEAD. I was angry. Very angry over Osama killing that boy. I watched it happen until the actual gunshot. So, a local man died and a wife became a widow.  I also remember being abused, dosed with drugs and raped, and being molested by 2 grown guys. Plenty of jerkoffs came around and merely wanted to be remembered as a jerkoff shmuck. Of course Ryan Zinke, Myke Hawke, and the other top notch men were very nice to me when they were around. Brian, the British SAS, is remembered as a super nice guy who made me happy and made me smile when he visited. All the other jerkoffs who planted themselves in the middle of what was going on seemed to want to harm me. They loved setting me up to get knocked unconscious. They LOVED trying to set me up for a good injury. After remembering my head injury, which I almost died from many times, I remembered an abusive adult name Mike Dabney Sr. This man knew I had a head injury in that made me go into cardiac arrest, though he still chose to grab me, shake me, and shove me to the ground. When he did this the head injury symptoms set in and I seized. Cardiac arrest followed the seizures alot more than once. This man Dabney LOVED doing this it seems. It seems he had to dent my life because a Spirit sent a man to throw him up against the wall for hitting his child. His son is on disability for seizures. A Spirit made it clear Dabney had hit his child. Of course he tried to say the Spirits lie or something to the nature. This makes me extremely angry at times, so angry I grit my teeth because my parents allowed these jerkoffs to come around.  Remembering being abused by a police officer makes me so angry I almost break teeth. This was the officer who was left alone with me while my parents were gone. He played the game of "Be quiet about the abuse I'm doing to you because I'm coming back tomorrow and if you tell I'll abuse you even more". The policeman literally had me so scared I didn't know what to do. He dropped me 13 feet or so out of a tree, he slammed me on my spine onto concrete, and played mind games. This man wound up having a man in a suit (I believe the FBI agent who had lots of contact with the Holy Spirit) stand behind him and twist his neck. His body dropped from under him and I remember him talking about the teeth on the ground belonging to him while he had a bloody face laying paralyzed on the ground. He was a policeman. The adults allowed this to happen, like I was some sort of bad child whom the adults allowed people to abuse. It actually feels like I'm some sort of special case, the one special case in the world in which people took joy in knowing I was severely abused, molested, and dosed with LSD. It seems as if the adults, even my mother, were just fine with it all happening. I had to remember those Spirit works. If breaking my neck and putting me in a wheelchair would have had to happen for me to remember those Spirit works, by God one of the adults would have snapped my little 6 year old neck like a twig and probably laughed about it.  Since the Spirit foretold what would happen in my life, all the abusers knew what they would do before they did it. Of course no charges were pressed. They got a free pass. It's almost as if they were doing what the Holy Spirit said they would, and they were doing it for fun. It seems as if they felt they were doing their part so I would have these memories come back. That makes me want to literally put a pistol to the side of my head and pull the trigger. The memories were so important for me to gain back. Me remembering the Spirit works was the most important thing in the world to everyone. No one would dare change the course of my life, which is a horrible life as of today. I get zero dates, zero sex, zero girlfriend, zero full time jobs, zero car, zero EVERYTHING. Nobody cares either. It seems like they LOVED letting it all roll out so my life wound up a horrible existence in which I would LOVE to kill myself every day of the week. I gave my life and suffered in doing so as a 4 or 5 year old kid. I have a heart problem because I tried to prevent the World Trade Center tragedy. Would I get help from the average jerkoff Americans? No way. They love my life like it is. They LOVE me not having a woman, job, car, money, sex, etc.. People take joy in a person not having those things. I've learned people enjoy a miserable person as the person's misery makes them laugh. Average low class jerkoff Americans wouldn't like it any other way. They couldn't laugh at the guy who was possessed by a Holy Spirit as a kid, and now he's driving a new car, working a good job, dating a nice female, etc.. No one would get any laughter out of that. That's low class America, they merely want to get entertainment and laughter out of people's miserable lives. If a person has a good life, low class America wants nothing to do with them. They aren't "funny". They're "funny" when their life sucks, they have nothing, they stay frustrated and aggravated; people can laugh at them. Low class America, it is truly a hellhole. Someone losing a job and losing a car, oh my, that will make the sorry jerkoffs in low class America LAUGH. It will, especially if the loser is sarcastic about it all. My my, low class America.  So, knowing I may remember all of this for the rest of my life and never get to work a job where I can afford to live, drive a car, date a nice female, etc.; it literally has me constantly wanting to be dead. I know people will blame my spinal problems, and the one's who know how the world works will take pure joy in that. It's a horrible feeling. Totally horrible feeling realizing I had that heart in the right place as a child and did things for NOTHING. I suffered because I didn't want people to die. I have a heart problem because I didn't want people to die; 3,000 of them. My heart valve leaking was worth trying to stop the deaths of 3,000 people. Would I get assistance to get a decent life? Would I get assistance from anyone? Seems not. It seems so unlikely. It seems people'd let me go homeless and "laugh" at me. It seems they'd say "Oh he's fine, he doesn't need a womam, job, car, etc.". It seems people will think "His spine is injured, he doesn't need to to anything, he quit working for a while so he can stay like that". It feels like I'm disregarded as far as being a human. The opposite sexes were created for a reason. It feels like I've been outed, and I'd only get a "volunteer" as far as a female in life. It does feel like that. It feels I've been fucked by employers so good it created so much anger and resentment I can't breathe at times.  It feels like other people don't even think I have human feelings. It feels like they want to "create" who I am going to be, and throw out anything regarding my human feelings. I honestly think everyone would 100 percent disregard any feelings I have and not even consider me human. As far as the 2 employer a******s who fucked me over; was I even a human being to them? I don't think I was. I feel they were a******s looking out for the best interest of their bank account. I'd love for some people to view me as a human being again. A human being who's male and needs to work full time, drive a vehicle, have a female in his life, and so on. For some reason it feels like every f*****g person on earth can look RIGHT PAST me needing any of that and basically disregard me as a human. That hurts. That hurts so bad after remembering the good I brought around as a kid, it is almost unbearable at times. Gotta remember though, I'm in low class America. Jerkoffs who take pure joy in other people's misery are in abundance. That's the major problem. On the other hand I am a retired heroin addict. There's folks' excuse to trash me and f**k me over. After all, the world has to put you in your place for the drugs. I experienced the repercussion of society for smoking a little pot. Society is full of a bunch of a******s. Smoke a little pot and EVERYONE stops talking to you. Why? They want you to suffer for the dope. They want you to continue down the tubes. They want to to go ALL the way down the tubes. People are a******s, just about every f*****g person on earth. Do something they don't like, and you'll find out they're not your friend. Self mutilation has become the way I express the pain inside. For some reason, nobody can see the pain in a guy who's 37 and couldn't get a date if he tried. No one can see the pain where a guy knows a nice female would get involved with him, though she told someone I have to have a new car and job. That lets me know females don;t want to get involved with a guy and have a s****y bad time with him. That hurts the worst. Why? Folks don't want me to have it. They enjoy watching someone squirm, while he realizes he COULD have it though the PEOPLE are going to prohibit it.  So how does a person keep living knowing people don't care what happens to your life? How am I supposed to live knowing I suffered so others could live, and nobody gives one rats a*s if I EVER have a female in my life, get to drive a vehicle, or have any fun? People like my mother would enjoy a guy like me until the day I die. That hurts the most. Now that I've hit ROCK bottom (no vehicle), I know people don't want to help. Fuckwit Americans are more along the lines of saying "Oh, that's good for him". So after suffering extremely bad while hanging by my neck in the corner of my f*****g room, man does it hurt even worse. Will I ever get any help or will people just enjoy my misery, in which it makes them feel better about myself. F**k low class America. It is truly hell.