The Deep Injury

If you were curious about point F of my 'Leroy,' here this is.

(If you have read 'Leroy,' and were curious about how Quotev affected my day to day life, this is the 'story' you should read. If any of you have a Quotev account, at least consider what I have written here. It will be brutally honest and will hold nothing back.)

A: Euphoria

I am a very lonely soul. Anything that can distract me from the emptiness inside will be accepted. Even the worst forms of social media become 'beneficial' when I have nothing else to do but mope about how no one likes me and that I am never going to find love. I still don't think anyone will see any intrinsic worth to me and my life, but hey, I never know.

Whenever I join Quotev, I get an immediate rush of the feeling that I am free from my loneliness. I start to get a lot of attention really quick, like 50 followers in one week, so I feel my mood being lifted into the air. I feel like everything is perfect and that nothing can go wrong.

I then find myself using the place every day, for hours on end, not thinking of what is happening in my mind. I have no self-awareness at the moment and I think that talking to people and being all 'friendly' will cure all my emotional ills. The euphoria still rages and I am well-received because of my friendliness with everyone around me. It is like I am high on an Internet MDMA of sorts.

B: Dependence

The staggering high dims down quite a bit, resulting in a need for attention. The high I got days earlier is almost impossible to achieve, so I take things further and get involved with NSFW conversations with people, so I can prove my 'sexiness' and my prowess for all things inappropriate.

This is the stage where I start to pursue a litany of romantic relationships to achieve that same high all over again. Euphoria is back but it feels different, because it hinges on a certain account now, not the whole complex. Yet the same thing happens, and my high falls down and I start growing tired of a person who is all over me. (I made them fall for me, that's why that happened.)

I keep pursuing relationships with others, each one growing dimmer and dimmer as time goes on. My friendships I founded start to flounder as my attention diverts from familiar contacts to new and thrilling ones. I end up forsaking old friends for new ones, and those ones for even newer ones.

C: Addiction

By this time, I begin to constantly crave any sort of relief from the emptiness inside. It usually means that my time on Quotev starts to grow larger and larger, until I end up staying up 'till the crack of dawn just to get my emotional medicine.

The cracks in my emotional pursuit begin to show, as I begin to get angrier and angrier at everyone in general. (In fact I am angry that my outer shell is starting to fail, because deep inside, I hurt a whole lot.) I stop all romantic business to keep myself from hurting other girls, but I still find myself utterly addicted to Quotev. It is not fun.

I try to keep my inner pain away from those who cannot take it, and only display it to those who understand, but that ends up slowly breaking down as the addiction begins to turn malignant.

D: Rage

Now all people see me as is a fuming, raging aggressor. I have a hard time not telling people to kill themselves every few minutes. I see rage and hate as the only feelings left that can cover up my aching heart, and I end up alienating everyone I have ever known, one person at a time.

I start to tell people to drink bleach and kill themselves, and that I hate humanity. I tell them that life is worthless and that I hate it when people think they're anything special. I grow resentful of people who have any form of joy and success. I start to esteem myself as the only person worth any attention. (You can see me falling apart.)

I start to react towards any perceived slight with threats. I push people away because in fact, I hate myself so much. I start to tell them things that explain how I feel about myself, like that I should die, that I am worthless, etc. I tell it to them because I cannot stomach telling myself such nasty things.

I go to random accounts and paste messages that are purely intended to hurt and to maim. I stop caring about the happiness of others and post messages on my Activity to hurt them and to make them feel betrayed. By now, I am at my last straws and there is not very many defenses left.

E: Abandonment

I end up growing tired of my rage. Hurting others becomes a chore as I have nothing left of any defenses to cover up the shattered glass of a person I am. I eventually leave Quotev and turn my back on any form of social media that will do this to me.

There are two results that will come out of this. One result is horrible and one result is amazing beyond belief. I wish that this time, I will choose the amazing one and forget about Quotev altogether. I hope I never set my foot in that pool of poison ever again.

The first result is that I re-consider Quotev and join again, thinking I might be able to try again and make everything work finally. Read 'Euphoria' again.

The second result is that I prevent myself from any contact to the Internet forms of social life, and migrate onto real life and become someone worth real attention. Only then will my true self heal. Only then will I become the person that God made me to be.