Off to the loony bin

"You're sending me away, to a mental facility, and you didn't even think to consult me?! After that elaborate speech saying how much you care about me, this is what you follow up with!" I let out a bitter laugh. "I guess people never change, do they? You continue to do whatever you think is 'best for me' without even asking me what I want, because apparently my feelings don't matter at all." His eyes shone with hurt, and for a moment I felt guilty, but I quickly shoved that feeling down and just stared at the wall. It's not like he actually cares about me. He just felt obligated to say those things because of the position I was in. I assume he finally saw that I was mentally unstable and didn't want to put up with me anymore.

Then my father started speaking again," I realize that you're upset about this and you have every right to be. I realize that I'm acting like a hypocrite but it still stands that as your father and your legal guardian there are some decisions I have to make on your behalf which you may not like, but they still have to be made; and I'm not sending you away. I'm simply sending you to a place where they will be able to look after you properly, and I promise I'll come visit as soon as you're settled in."

I finally turned away from the wall to look at him. He looked genuinely upset, but then again its not like I've seem him display enough emotions to tell whether they're genuine. I could also tell he'd made up his mind and there was nothing I could do or say to change it, and frankly I was too tired to do this right now, so I gave in.... for now at least.

"When do I leave?" My father looked really surprised that I gave in so easily but recovered pretty quick. "Tomorrow." "What about school?" "Well, there's a school in the facility since it's mostly for teenagers..." "So I will no longer attend my old school" I cut him off. "Only for a short while, until your recovery, if you wish to return after that you can." "But what about all my duties, and what will you tell them in the first place?" "I think you should use your stay at the facility to take some time off and relax, maybe make some friends." Yes, because that's what people do at a loony bin, make friends with the patients. Instead I just reply dryly "I don't think I know how to relax. It wasn't included in any of my yearly comprehensive home-lesson plans." Seeing the look on my father's face, I cut him some slack.

"Actually taking some time off actually sounds like a pretty good idea, if only I wasn't going to a mental hospital.....But, I'll take what I can get. By the way, you never answered my question, what will you tell the people at school?" "I hadn't really thought about it, what would you like me to tell them?" Seeing my father in such a generous mood, I couldn't help but let some of my animosity take control. "The truth. I've been lying for too long. Tell them the truth. Unless you think it's in my best interest to not...." "No." He cuts me off. "If that's what you want, that's what I'll do." Okay, now it's my turn to be surprised.

"Really?" "Really." "Okay then." "You should probably go to bed, get some rest. You have a big day ahead of you tomorrow." "Yes, I should. Goodnight father." "Goodnight Alexandra."

After my father left the room, I just couldn't fall asleep despite feeling dog tired. My mind was buzzing with activity, thinking of everything that happened today. I felt shocked at my behaviour, but even more shocked at my father's behaviour. Even though I knew all of it was a lie, the little girl inside me wanted it to be true. I realized how wrong it was of me to blame my father for all my problems. He is the root cause of my stress and sadness, but he's definitely not the only source. The truth was that I put just as much pressure on myself as my father put on me. I claimed that all my problems came from him neglecting me, but I knew that wasn't true. I've always been a bit of an anxious person, and a recluse, and a perfectionist by character; and call it a superiority complex or an inferiority complex or whatever but I've always wanted to be better than everyone else. My problems stem from my own internal conflicts just as much as my external surroundings.

Slowly, my thoughts drift to tomorrow. Frankly, I have mixed feelings about going to this place. It's not like I think going to this god forsaken place will actually 'heal' me, and I really don't want to waste all my time in a mental hospital for psychotic teenagers, not to mention how stupid and inadequate I feel right now; but at the same time I have to admit, taking some time off sounds really good right now. Maybe this is for the best, especially if the way I led my life before caused me to nearly kill myself, albeit unintentionally. Eventually, I find myself on the edge of consciousness and fall asleep, thinking about what will happen tomorrow.