Breakdowns and revelations

It was just like any other ordinary day. The sun was shining brightly in the sky, which I didn’t really appreciate since the long sleeves of my school blouse trapped more of the heat in. I went to school and sat at my usual seat in class. It was just like always, the teachers droning on about the lessons that I had already finished learning. I had a student council session after school where I had to stay for an extra hour to look for my incompetent treasurer's lost expenses notebook for the upcoming charity ball. I was screamed at by my instructor for being late to Karate practice. My piano teacher was also in a bad mood, and made me play the third movement of Moonlight Sonata over and over again. I came home and had dinner with my stepmother (my father rarely ate with us, he was always busy) where I had to go through one of her verbal abuse sessions. So, by the end of dinner I was ready to skip my studies and go to bed, but I decided to take a bath first.

I was simply in the bath, surrounded by my most fragrant bath salts and thinking, about everything I had to get done tomorrow, already feeling stressed about it. So, not in the mood to go into a dark abyss again, I chose to take some pre-emptive measures.

I retrieved my box from under the bed, took out my trusty blade and settled back into the bathtub. I took the blade and started cutting.... and cutting..... and cutting over and over and over again. It was like I was no longer in control of my body. I could only helplessly stare as my hands seemed to act of their own accord, creating innumerable slashes wherever there was bare skin not even caring if they were too deep. It was like something had snapped deep inside me, like a switch had been flipped. I wanted to stop so badly, but I simply couldn't. That was pretty much the last thing I remembered before passing out.

I genuinely don't know what triggered my sudden breakdown but I don't think it was any single event, but rather a group of events whose repercussions built up over time and caused an imaginary dam in my mind to break, or maybe it was a sign that I had finally lost my mind, but whatever it was, it caused my life to change in its entirety.

I only woke up later to the rhythmic sound of the heart monitor beside me. I opened my eyes, only to shut them again in an attempt to shield them from the harsh light. Finally, when I grew accustomed to the brightness, I opened them again to find myself in a private hospital room; with an IV drip attached to my arm, and huge bandages all over my body. I was struggling to remember how exactly I ended up in this situation when suddenly; the realization hit me like a ton of bricks.

What in the name of God happened to me? I had never lost control like that before. I didn’t even know who found me and brought me to the hospital but I could only assume that it was one of the servants and then moved on to make the conclusion that my father must have been notified of my current predicament. I felt anxious and a little scared, thinking of what he would do to me; but I felt exhausted, and so I let myself me lulled back into a drug induced sleep, wishing with all my heart that I would never wake up.

I woke again the next day feeling like I had just ran a marathon. I wasn’t sure whether to blame it on the blood loss or the painkillers. I was greeted by a nurse who seemed to be in her late twenties and looked too cheery for her own good. She had long blonde hair which was tied back neatly into a ponytail. She wasted no time in getting to work, hustling and bustling around my bed and fussing over me. She went about asking me the usual questions, how I was feeling, if I was in any pain, etc.etc. Then she gave me a few pills to take. I did what she asked. She seemed nice enough, but her high pitched cheery voice was starting to give me a headache. “You know dear” she started in a disapproving tone of voice “you gave everyone quite a fright, especially your father. He hasn’t left the hospital since a day after you were checked in”. To say I was surprised would be a huge understatement. “How long was I unconscious for?” I asked. “Three days” she said. “You woke up once in the middle, but you conked out again” Wait, I was out for three days? “Your father is still outside” she continued, “Do you feel well enough to take visitors?” “Yes, I suppose” I said. She smiled and left the room. She came back a few minutes later with my father in tow.

I was utterly and completely shocked when I took in his appearance. I don’t think I had ever seen him look so…..shabby. His usually immaculately washed and ironed clothes were now dirty and wrinkled. His usually combed back, pristine hair was all over the place. He looked like he had aged ten years and there were dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep, though I doubt I looked any better, spending three days in a hospital, with no access to a comb or a toothbrush, and my complexion pale due to loss of blood. I was stunned speechless, and so was he. So we just stared at each other, dumbfounded, both of us at a loss for words; and that was the moment when the nurse decided it was time for her to take her leave.

We both just continued to stare at each other and an awkward tension started filling the space between us. His silence was starting to frustrate me. I expected him to scream and yell, or to lecture me, tell me how big of a disappointment I was, tell me I would never be worthy of being his successor; like he usually did when I did something of such catastrophic measures, but no, he just continued to stare at me and I’d had enough of it.

“Aren’t you going to say something?” I asked with more bitterness and malice in my voice than intended. After what felt like an eternity he finally opened his mouth to speak. “How are you feeling?” was all he said. For some reason, that got my blood boiling. I gave him the deadliest glare I could manage. “What do you think?” I retorted back. I expected him to start yelling any moment now, but he just snapped his mouth shut and continued to stare at me.

I hated the way he was staring at me, assessing the damage I had caused to myself over the years. It made me feel vulnerable. “Stop staring at me!” I screeched. He jumped and looked taken aback. I suppose he was. After all, I had never treated him with anything but politeness and respect, but right now I was tired and emotional and just didn’t have the energy to put up with him.

He opened his mouth once again, but this time I beat him to it. “Look father, I’m really tired right now and I just want to go to sleep, so could you please just save the lecture about how big of a disappointment I am for another time? I’m sure you have better things to do anyway. Please, I just want to be left alone.”The drugs were taking their toll on me and I felt the anger slowly being replaced by tired resignation.

"What?” He said incredulously. “Why would I do that? I am not going to leave you alone. You are my top priority right now.” Well…..it seems the resignation has changed back to anger.

“What? You can’t leave me alone? That’s all you’ve ever done my entire life! I have always been nothing but an asset to you. You have never thought of me as anything but that. I did everything for you. I bent over backwards to your will so that I could be someone you were proud of, but I never met your oh so high expectations, now did I? I was never worthy enough for you to waste your precious time on! All you cared about were my achievements. You were never there for me. Not when I actually needed you. You left me with an abusive stepmother. You didn’t even check to see if I was happy every once in a while. As long as I was alive, and the best at everything, you didn’t care. And now suddenly you decide that you want to be involved in my life? What, are you scared that I will suddenly kill myself one of these days and you will end up with no heir? Or are you worried about what everyone else will think of your parenting skills when they hear that the great Richard Welsh’s one and only daughter couldn’t even bring herself to stay alive anymore! What do you think? That you are suddenly going to start showering me with the attention I have craved my entire life and everything is going to be fine? That we will have a healthy father and daughter relationship and I will trust you after everything you’ve put me through? Well news flash! That’s not happening. I’m too broken for that.” My voice cracked in the end. “I’m really sorry that I’m not the person you want me to be, but I cannot pretend to be someone else anymore. I just can’t.” I couldn’t help it anymore, I broke down crying.

My father just stared at me, with an expression akin to horror, finally witnessing the weakling that I really was. When I finally managed to compose myself, he started speaking again.“I’m sorry that I was never there for you, that I didn’t pay enough attention to see that you weren’t happy. I know that there is nothing I can say to redeem myself, but that doesn’t change the fact that I care very deeply about you, and that these past three days have been the worst days of my life. I really love you Alexandra, a lot; and I know I have done a terrible job of showing it, but I do. You are the most important part of my life and I have only ever wanted what was best for you.” He paused for a moment, and the next words he uttered shocked my entire being. “I realize that I cannot help you and that is why I have decided to send you to a place where they can."

“W-What?”

Author's Note

I'm not sure if I managed to fix the problem of the long paragraphs, but I tried! (Pretty sure I failed though :P)