Chapter 1

Here's what I have so far!

It was a frigid, snow-filled winter night. All was still except for a lone, white rabbit that was sniffing around a forest clearing. Then, the sound of jingling bells was heard, and a cloud of snow was seen as the hooves of a fast approaching horse galloped towards the clearing. As soon as it was within a dozen yards the horse slowed its pace until it came to a halt five feet from the rabbit. Suddenly, a flash of bright light enveloped the horse and quickly disappeared leaving a seventeen year-old boy in its place. Looking around, the boy saw the white rabbit, smiled, and said, "Well, are you going to transform Michelle?" The rabbit fearlessly looked into the boy's eyes for a few seconds before it too was enveloped in the same bright light. This light disappeared just as quickly as the other, leaving an eighteen year old girl where the rabbit was. The boy looked into the girl's eyes for a few seconds before focusing his gaze on the ground in front of him. Quietly he asked, "Why did you want me to meet you here Michelle?" Michelle replied by saying, "I called you here because today I am going to teach you how to summon your Familiar." Upon hearing this, Billy returned his gaze to Michelle's eyes and, with a little bit of excitement in his voice, said "Really? OK" With a smile on her face, Michelle asked "are you ready?" Billy answered this with a slight nod of his head. Withdrawing a wand that was shaped like a tree branch, Michelle said, "Astra Septora Polaris Entrancta!" For a few seconds, nothing happened. Then the sound of thunder was heard. Finally, with a flash of bright white light, a creature appeared in front of Billy. The creature was mostly wolf-like in appearance with smooth looking gray fur. The two exceptions were the colorful butterfly wings sprouting from its back, and that the creature was about the size of a newborn calf. The creature focused its gaze towards Billy and with a voice filled with excitement and playfulness, said, "Hi Billy! My name is William! Can we go play?" for a moment, Billy stood there staring at William with an expression of astonishment. Then, before anyone could react, Billy fainted.

-END OF CHAPTER 1-

Author's Note

Please Leave a comment letting me know what you think!

Reviews

[Barbara Tennyson]

The presentation, the way the story looks, is very unfriendly and non-standard. Take a look at any Harry Potter or Twilight or Game of Thrones -- each of these are good examples of the way to space and paragraph text.
Standard USA presentation is ONE character's thoughts, speech and actions per paragraph. This should be the SECOND paragraph: The rabbit fearlessly looked into the boy's eyes for a few seconds before it too was enveloped in the same bright light. This light disappeared just as quickly as the other, leaving an eighteen year old girl where the rabbit was.
And this the THIRD: The boy looked into the girl's eyes for a few seconds before focusing his gaze on the ground in front of him. Quietly he asked, "Why did you want me to meet you here Michelle?" --And so on throughout the text. When the actor, the character who is speaking, changes, HIT THE ENTER KEY, and BEGIN A NEW PARAGRAPH.

Also,direct address, using a personal name to address another character, is an interjection, which means that it is set off with punctuation: either a pair of commas or a comma and another form of punctuation. "Why did you want me to meet you here(COMMA), Michelle?"

[Blake]

Ok thanks, I will try to fix it as soon as I can.