laying your head down

I remember holding her in my arms
Attracted to her by all of her charms
Seeing as she smiled and as she cried
But today I held her once more as she died
I remember laying her head down
I lay beside her on the ground

I did everything I could
Everything I said I would
I did what I could but it wasn't enough
seeing her go is just so tough

Now some years have gone by
But my love for you will never die
I keep trying to forget you
But i can see you in everything I do
Now in my heart there is this empty space
An empty space no one can ever replace

But those memories of you are causing me tears
Things would be better if you were here
I remember that night, we were having Chinese
It was the night we had our very first kiss

I remember holding you in my arms
Still so attracted by all of your charms
I remember seeing you smile and cry
It's such a shame you had to die
I still remember laying your head down
And how I lay beside you on the ground

Reviews

[Bent Dragon (Eric)]

I quite like how you've done the rhyming structure it really quite good. It seems to come quite naturally in the poem.

A couple suggestions, Capitalize your I`s when you are talking about yourself.
The other thing is it would be nice if you had some punctuation in your work. Just put it in where it feels like a natural place to stop or pause.

I think you did a good job conveying an emotion in your piece, but you make it feel as if he isn't as sad as I think you intended him to be. The line, losing her is just so tough. I don't know, I'd just feel better if it wasn't you telling the reader it's tough but showing. Perhaps through him expressing his emotions for example: A tear rolled down my cheek. It would have felt a bit more natural that way.

But no matter what I just said it still a very good piece, I look forward to reading more of your work.

P.S. I quite like how you have repetition at the end and beginning, I think it sounds quite nice that way.

-Blessed be, Bent Dragon.

[Nish Nish the Fish]

oh, hon, this is so beautiful, im this close to tears!
its so sad, losing a loved on is hard for anyone, you did a very wonderful job of expressing that experience,
im so sorry for your loss, im sure things will get better!
again, really great write, i can tell your words are really from the heart,
and i can feel the sadness you must be going through.
thanks so much for sharing!

[OutToLunch]

i really like this poem. it's the exact kind of writing style i enjoy. plus, it's a great story! great write!

[ruth]

mr.. i still remember when you read it at writers gathering...

[Fran Marie]

I remember holding you in my arms
Still so attracted by all of your charms
I remember seeing you smile and cry
It's such a shame you had to die


So sad when the one you love dies and you're left without your soulmate

to continue life's journey~ very deeply expressed and well penned

THanks for sharing this

Fran Marie

[Pratibha]

No one can understand the agony behind the loss...but releasing it out through words heals us so much...it's as if GOD is listening to us...and helping us...
i am in love with your honesty and sincerity. God bless you and give you the strength to face this tough situation.
one has to be there to feel it and the pain is palpable.

[Victoria Harlequin]

Oh my, this is sad. Very touching
I like the flow that this poem has, it's nice and easy.
Great write!

[Lola Lamont]

Wow... I know someone who I believe has gone through a very similar experience to your own... wonderfully written, so expressive, you really make the reader feel your pain. Interesting rhyming with Chinese and kiss, not sure it works, but good initiative. Does writing about her make you feel better?

[Bhavya Kaushik]

Ah! This is just beautiful...your words are flowing here so effortlessly!
I loved its flow and the structure, it gave such a beautiful feel to the poem..
This is so warm and beautifully penned from the heart!