Iris

 

       The sight of everyone gathered filled me with an anger that I had never felt before. They should not be here, none of them truly cared. For the past six years it had only been Lily and I. She was gone now!  All of the weeping faces wearing black seemed to be intruders on this day. Pain, crippled me the first time the call had come.  The news that my sister was dead had registered in my brain. Six years, we had struggled to live out on the streets because, no one else cared. We had been haunted from the emotions of abandonment and the hunger that was constant. Each and every one of these humans had turned their backs on us, when they were most needed. They might as well have killed Lily themselves.

 

        Not one of the mourners stopped near me; actually they stayed as far away as possible.  A twisted and angry smile turning my lips appeared as they walked around avoiding me. Hands clasped together behind my back, trying hard not to imagine choking each and every one of them until there was no life in them. They had taken my joy and happiness in life, and they needed to pay.

 

     Thought of revenge swarmed through my head as he approached. I was so distracted with thoughts of revenge that I had no chance of seeing him coming. Warm breath tickled my skin, briefly stirring my hair. I stilled, my whole body freezing in place as a hand clasped in mine. A large comforting hand so large, that it made mine appears as an infant in comparison. The voice whispered in my ear, shivering with surprise “I know nothing will be able to take her place, but I want to let you know I am here.”

 

      Emotions flooded me; no…this could not be happening to me. A light caress down my neck, soft firm lips pressed kindly to my shoulder. No more words were said, what more could be said? Facing away did nothing to disguise who was behind me; he had been there so much. His voice was stuck in my mind, an echo that never seemed to cease. My mind swam without any apparent end through all the memories of him.

  Why was he doing this, did he know why we were all here? Or did he not care, there was a sadness in his voice so what was he doing. There had been so many years of him so near, but the furthest from my grasp. Why here, why now did he choose to notice me?

     Tears rolled silently down my heated cheeks from the conflict that was waging inside of me. Trying to move did little, as the hand holding mine tighten. He knew this was not right, could never be. The face of my kind and loving sister filled my mind. Hate built up in me, hate for the world, the people that did not care, the disease that took my sister away, for my own weakness. Too long I had waited and paid the price, even now things did not change. The warm body against mine could never be mine, he was hers. My loving sister that had been lost to me, now my love was being buried along with her...

Author's Note

What do you think??

Reviews

[Victoria PoetryBunny]

From the beginning of the story, I love how you described the characters day and situation with her emotions as the other people are there around her:
""All of the weeping faces wearing black seemed to be intruders on this day.""

I really like the way the emotion plays within the reality of the characters:
"Each and every one of these humans had turned their backs on us, when they were most needed. They might as well have killed Lily themselves."

Oh what anger and emotion you write in this:
"Hands clasped together behind my back, trying hard not to imagine choking each and every one of them until there was no life in them."

Love the details, even with the detail of the "comforting hand:"
"A large comforting hand so large, that it made mine appears as an infant in comparison."

I like the mystery of the guy and her thought about him:
"His voice was stuck in my mind, an echo that never seemed to cease."

I love her thoughts and her questioning:
"There had been so many years of him so near, but the furthest from my grasp. Why here, why now did he choose to notice me?"

Love the emotions that come to her, how you describe the imagery of the situation as well:
"Tears rolled silently down my heated cheeks from the conflict that was waging inside of me. Trying to move did little, has the hand holding mine tighten. "

Such thought and emotions mixed as they are in her mind:
"The warm body against mine could never be mine, he was hers."

Very nice write, I love how the story goes straight to the situation and emotion with great imagery of ti all. The way her emotions are tied into the story and the situation are written so clearly, so nicely. I really enjoyed reading this. Love the way you ended this story, "now my love was being buried along with her..."

Possible correction:
as the hand holding mine tightened
"Trying to move did little, has the hand holding mine tighten."

[V.J.C.]

Thanks for the review, one of the few stories I have written.
I tend to some times put extra letters on words, thanks for bringing it up... Few people like taking the time to read stories on here. Thank you for picking mine to take the time to read. :D

[Leigh]

Full of emotion and very sad

[MoriartyMesa]

Minor edits are needed but over all very well written.

[Melody]

Highly emotional. I really like it. It feels like it would've made an interesting book though. :)

[olla]

yes.. an emotional highly charged story beginning to unfold.. yes... some places where grammar could be beneficial.. keep writing..

[BLACK PRINCE]

This is a deep. emotions-packed piece of writing.
This is quite sad and touching.

Let me point out a few grammatical errors:

First of all, I think, the story needs to be separated
into at least two
or three paragraphs.

'Pain crippled me the first time the call had came...' ( that's what you wrote)
'Pain crippled me the first time the call came..'( use this )
'Pain crippled me the first time the call did come..' ( or use this)
' Pain crippled me the first time the call had come...'( or this )

somewhere you in the middle of the story this is a correct way of saying this:

No more words were said. What more could be said?

Why was he doing this? Did he know why we were all here? Or did he not care?
There was a sadness in his voice. So what was he doing?

Why here? Why now did he choose to notice me?


I LIKE TO KEEP IT REAL TO HELP OTHER WRITERS :)


WELL DONE

[Katrina Mckeown]

Great story! )

[Harley (arbiter)]

I like it. The whole revenge anger concept. It's Nice. I go with forgiveness but everyones different. Great job

[Kimberly "Melody" Carne..]

I THINK YOU ARE AMAZING!

[Coyote Poetry]

A very sad story. I like the way you led me into the story. I was surprised by the sad ending. Thank you for the excellent story.
Coyote

[V.J.C.]

Thanks, i wrote it late and did not read over it before saving.... I read it now and was like, what? I actually wrote that, kind of interesting maybe a story to be told from that..