Iris

 

       The sight of everyone gathered filled me with an anger that I had never felt before. They should not be here, none of them truly cared. For the past six years it had only been Lily and I. She was gone now!  All of the weeping faces wearing black seemed to be intruders on this day. Pain, crippled me the first time the call had come.  The news that my sister was dead had registered in my brain. Six years, we had struggled to live out on the streets because, no one else cared. We had been haunted from the emotions of abandonment and the hunger that was constant. Each and every one of these humans had turned their backs on us, when they were most needed. They might as well have killed Lily themselves.

 

        Not one of the mourners stopped near me; actually they stayed as far away as possible.  A twisted and angry smile turning my lips appeared as they walked around avoiding me. Hands clasped together behind my back, trying hard not to imagine choking each and every one of them until there was no life in them. They had taken my joy and happiness in life, and they needed to pay.

 

     Thought of revenge swarmed through my head as he approached. I was so distracted with thoughts of revenge that I had no chance of seeing him coming. Warm breath tickled my skin, briefly stirring my hair. I stilled, my whole body freezing in place as a hand clasped in mine. A large comforting hand so large, that it made mine appears as an infant in comparison. The voice whispered in my ear, shivering with surprise “I know nothing will be able to take her place, but I want to let you know I am here.”

 

      Emotions flooded me; no…this could not be happening to me. A light caress down my neck, soft firm lips pressed kindly to my shoulder. No more words were said, what more could be said? Facing away did nothing to disguise who was behind me; he had been there so much. His voice was stuck in my mind, an echo that never seemed to cease. My mind swam without any apparent end through all the memories of him.

  Why was he doing this, did he know why we were all here? Or did he not care, there was a sadness in his voice so what was he doing. There had been so many years of him so near, but the furthest from my grasp. Why here, why now did he choose to notice me?

     Tears rolled silently down my heated cheeks from the conflict that was waging inside of me. Trying to move did little, as the hand holding mine tighten. He knew this was not right, could never be. The face of my kind and loving sister filled my mind. Hate built up in me, hate for the world, the people that did not care, the disease that took my sister away, for my own weakness. Too long I had waited and paid the price, even now things did not change. The warm body against mine could never be mine, he was hers. My loving sister that had been lost to me, now my love was being buried along with her...

Author's Note

What do you think??

Reviews

[Victoria PoetryBunny]

From the beginning of the story, I love how you described the characters day and situation with her emotions as the other people are there around her:
""All of the weeping faces wearing black seemed to be intruders on this day.""

I really like the way the emotion plays within the reality of the characters:
"Each and every one of these humans had turned their backs on us, when they were most needed. They might as well have killed Lily themselves."

Oh what anger and emotion you write in this:
"Hands clasped together behind my back, trying hard not to imagine choking each and every one of them until there was no life in them."

Love the details, even with the detail of the "comforting hand:"
"A large comforting hand so large, that it made mine appears as an infant in comparison."

I like the mystery of the guy and her thought about him:
"His voice was stuck in my mind, an echo that never seemed to cease."

I love her thoughts and her questioning:
"There had been so many years of him so near, but the furthest from my grasp. Why here, why now did he choose to notice me?"

Love the emotions that come to her, how you describe the imagery of the situation as well:
"Tears rolled silently down my heated cheeks from the conflict that was waging inside of me. Trying to move did little, has the hand holding mine tighten. "

Such thought and emotions mixed as they are in her mind:
"The warm body against mine could never be mine, he was hers."

Very nice write, I love how the story goes straight to the situation and emotion with great imagery of ti all. The way her emotions are tied into the story and the situation are written so clearly, so nicely. I really enjoyed reading this. Love the way you ended this story, "now my love was being buried along with her..."

Possible correction:
as the hand holding mine tightened
"Trying to move did little, has the hand holding mine tighten."

[V.J.C.]

Thanks for the review, one of the few stories I have written.
I tend to some times put extra letters on words, thanks for bringing it up... Few people like taking the time to read stories on here. Thank you for picking mine to take the time to read. :D

[Laura Maidah]

you have weird verbs that are contextually inaccurate. for example: revenge doesn't "swarm" your head

[TheSweet]

I think you paint a very clear and emotional concept of the character's feelings and understandings, almost talking us through it at times. You might like to make the gap for the last paragraph the same size as the others. Also there is never any need to put more than three dots to an ellipsis at the end.

Other than this, my only thing is a few odd phrasings that could be re-worded or changed as they either break the style or don't feel as well thought out as they could. For example 'His voice was stuck in my mind with no chances of ever leaving, the image of his face a constant companion.' Could make more sense like 'His voice stuck in my mind without any chance of leaving; the image of his face lingered with it as my constant companion.' - I hope you see what I mean here. It's just about clarity to the reader.

Nothing else springs to mind, so all in all a very interesting and enjoyable read. Conceptually profound too :) Thanks for sharing.

[Maya Storm]

About the layout: Is it possible to split up the paragraphs a bit, as it feels hard to read because of it being chunked together.

About the grammar and punctuation: it could be cleaned up a bit, just reread and edit when you get the chance.

In regards to the actual story: It is sad on so many levels. Lose, betrayal, love, attachments all in one short story. This could certainly be a book that I would read. I absolutely loves this story. One line took me to the next and soon it was finished and I did not feel the weight of the read.

I can relate to losing some one and I understand it when all these people who in life did not seem to care and when this person is gone everyone calls or seems to miss the one who is gone.

I also understand the guilt felt from moving on with things or even a person that you feel belonged to the person who is gone.

You touched on so many points is was really amazing to read.

[Kimberly "Melody" Carney]

I see, she has worked on it sence this review...looking good to me. I love your review and I agree, so many points in such a short read, Great job!

[L. Edward Neale]

Dense and emotive. Well contained, like a good short, short story should be. And you are left with the vivid imagery of the drama that proceeded it. I like the deep self reflection and questioning. Really puts you in the character's headspace! Great stuff. Enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing!

[Pencrafter]

Your story is heavy with emotion and a sense of place. You have good imagination and ability to write. The grammatical and punctuation errors you will catch when you do a slow and careful proofread. After letting some time go by, return to the story and try to read it as if for the first time. Then, when you do your rewrite you will be able to rearrange and edit to enhance the flow and logic of the story.

[Just Listen]

Its very emotional and sad. But thats what makes good stories :)

[Cole Hayley]

very depressing. But in a good way, I can tell its a very personal and I respect that. Well done

[Southern Cross]

Sad story but then isn't death always sad? It's amazing how we can see through the convoluted caring of people that we know never truly cared. This is what grief brings to the table..insight about life and our surroundings. Well written and such devotion to a sibling even if this is a fabricated story, you made me feel the pain of loss here.

[msJ]

sad story