A E-mail intended for a friend ,just cant seem to hit send.....

A piece of my recent life I did my best to explain am very reluctant to send/share ..Or A random piece of 3rd chap. in my coming book Dilaudid Daddy...??

Me

To D.....

Today at 2:10 AM

I know what ya mean.....we defiantly when together in good spaces with in ourselves  sparked "something" all together new and different that would come to light... a energy i have never felt b-4 idk??? seemed really good at times ... but very powerful like could turn disatereace and bad for anyone in range of it?? we met for a reason i no this to be true with all that i still am .... I am far from a "bad a*s" as you said lol ty though... just a soul trying to make sense of my existence here doing my best not to cause harm or mess with things bigger than I.. I have hit a level of humility that is far beyond knowing I am such a small tiny entity in the whole universe that has little or no effect what so ever... I am not special I will not matter in 30-40-50 years all i can really hope for is to pass on what i did wrong to my son so he maybe just maybe wont feel to the level i do  these vague dark misunderstood confusion feelings the world projects out ..those bad and conflicted feelings I have had for as long as I can rember back as a little boy my mind harbors and my gut and heart feel so instinctively well ...but I see these things in my sons eyes already feel them on him when we lock our same color eyes when its just him and I he knows as well as I do I am the only one who understands just as he is and this haunts me all day long... its  like  like a spider spins webs a birds fly a worker bee collects all day every day for ever thats what it feels like instinct.... the easy way to feel it way less is to... numb myself so low i am barley breathing or so up I cant catch one thought for more than a sec. or so abbreviated i cant walk, all i can do is spit and fight for no reason ill put words in their mouth thoughts to disagree with act to abbreviated to back it up lure em in and....with one strike to the vocal cords,sternum,bridge of the nose or any one of the big major nerves in the legs butt neck or back...leave a poor person with either  lack of sight breath or mobility of a major limb or motor function as a result of my misunderstood feelings i have no control of...When we met was the most at peace i have ever been with these feelings acceptance of it even a bit of control of how to project the worst ones with only conscience thought...It literally took six plus months of hard literally every single day for hours focus meditation prayer facing my self at a level of honesty I am not capable of alone with out a guide that knows my soul I dont know if those things can line up in that way again ever?? people put in my path at the exact right time and realizing it seeing it sometimes a day before it happen to learn a lesson or find a truth ask the right question about something so fragile something that must be nurtured for the rest of your life i now realize, but just destroyed it all in a matter of hours injecting Poisson in to my body allowing anger in at a level that blocks any connection to harmony within myself... anger and controlling and masking my feelings with something outside of myself just murdered all that work with in the second shot in to my blood stream all was gone as it should be reckless actions have  devastating reactions realize it or not we cant go on trying to control our feelings & intuition shutting ourselves off when we choose to with out consequences thats s***s not up to us !!!! for all I no i missed a huge life changing lesson in that pain I was feeling the biggest breakthroughs happened to me with the biggest pains i needed to be coached through most of them and face them for what they were so gnarly walking through that no buffer looking right at it feeling it all accepting it all of it just let it move through you at its own pace no control i cried for 11 hours once with a friend incurring me the whole time non stop insane stuff to get that small amount of relief or truth for you my children someone I would have met the day I was nodding out on my bathroom floor bleeding from trying to hit a vein with little or blurred vision I failed in my true path at best... so selfish self centered and pitiful...Im sorry Im ranting on this probably sounds nuts like 5150 time dude!!!! its just my truth I am am gonna speak it like I said I just feel different since this like a level of dont give a f**k what any one thinks or past judgment a level of idk almost reckless but more liberating!!! unforginatly my therapist had to dump me as a client after 4 years I shared all this with her as she is working under someone else's license right now so she has to report to them and they told her to cut professional ties with me right away as I am a liability to the license and practice was brutal for both of us !!! hopefully in jan we can reconnect when she leaves that practice back to her own thing idk it's a trip not having her perspective on this ... she is the one person on this earth that knows the most about me 100% childhood family live all those deep dark things i thought i would take to the grave were shared as she shared things with me about herself no body knew ever the only way to gain my complete trust in the first couple years....lots of tears and disbelief that something like our connection bond can be gone in a single choice I made in the sake of a possible law suit or a ding in a flawless counseling license

F**k......So prob why Imo just completely transparent right now nothing else to lose my life is not over obviously.. I should be dead ! like no reason but divine intervention that I should be breathing I have gave cpr to people for a fraction of what i did nobody should be able to inject what my body did and live makes no sense at all!! seriously as much as i could possibly do before passing out for multiple days on end...The strongest dope in Southern cali that war on terror tailbone Afghanistan dope straight up better believe i brought my gun to go copt that s**t the first time second third and all other times i brought different lesser defenses like a f*****g game even brought those brass knuckle meat tenderizer thing u gave me for my birthday once lol seems like a movie or dream now i started parking and walking up to the spot just to do it crazy how you hold yourself or the look in your eye idk these f****n gangster a*s mother fuckers were all business with me straight up eye contact respect with a  "stay safe homeboy" wad of cash buy em dry 20 a point all the way up tripping a white boy strolling around with bank wads down their at all hours was only a time or two away from getting jacked jumped or shot people die down there every day for a lot less than what i had on me Imo sure of this... over and over same thing same set stick out like a sore thumb asking for it! soooo reckless and stupid but it became part of the high in a way it was the only way I felt at all what so ever..to be risking my life and that felt like idk like just a small twitch in my thoughts like a yawn after a good nap i guess the whole ritual ooohhhh Im going barefoot this time with a 7 inch boning knife in my sleeve ...shirt and tie next time with my grandfathers WW2 black jack..the worst oldest t-shirt i own with a police logo on the shirt all full of holes and stained with shorts and motor cycle boots I seriously think i was in a weird fugue mental breakdown state of mind just methodically seeing my every move before it happened so fear was non existent at all in any form @ all my self concusses was not a factor so all those insecurities of myself or appearance of myself not even in my thoughts scared to get hurt hardly, scared to die not even a little... I can only imagine the energy I was projecting when like this !! a few random people would be drawn to me and approach me I would just meet them with all questions even if asked a question answer with a quick question while fixing up like i was lighting a smoke in regards to there question or ask em what they really wanted to ask but didn't know how to with out beating around the bush with a completely transparent manipulation tactic to make me feel sorry or bad for them and there situation to just look right at someone like that call it on em ask em what they really are after then change there entire perspective about what they think they need or want with like less than 15 words in second person question form all while cooking up a shot wide open up on Adams east of La Brea...  I really wish I could have recorded myself in these states just little pieces I rember mostly the no form of fear of any kind realizing that and how its effected my thought patterns  and seeing things before they happened or got said or came out of my mouth there were no false social cues that normally just happen with out a choice these things we all seem to adopt as our own reactions when they are just the reaction that is expected in certain situations and social settings that we do to feel comfortable and make other comfortable around us out of insecurity with in ourselves and honest gut level feelings of how we really feel about someone, place, thing, scene or entity ..you know what I mean by these cues?? I distinctly rember a couple with myself the night you took me to  meet your friends & go see brads band play downtown in that EMO club with the 6 foot tranny in mini skirt heels and fishnets I rember thinking twice before starting a conversation with that tranny as I was worried of your friends judgment didn't stop me but I rember hesitating to think of how it might make you or your friends uncomfortable or set me farther apart than I already felt with sandy blond ocean groomed hair saggin Ben Davis and I love cops t-shirt in a sea of leather blue black hair spikes and hair product and tightest pants I have ever seen on a man EVER that cool a*s tranny Sage wound up being the best part of that whole night..sorry lol...All fear based self insecurities and attempt to mask yourself so not to reveal to much to set you apart any more than you feel already...ever felt this way? honestly I see these things when watching people socialize or eat out and can feel there uncomfortableness and there best attempt to look like they they could give a s**t to act like I feel in that weird state I was in and out of for weeks it can not be acted or portrayed it's a state of being way beyond ur look or even body language this same thing I am in awe of yet scared and confused by has become a part of who I am now.... I am not scared just i guess concerned of this new piece character or shortcoming not sure which side it falls on yet I acquired by attempting to overdose on purpose?.. This is the first time I have shared this in this way please please I NEED your honest opinion on this as a friend dont worry about hurting my feelings in any way as this is not posable to any point of harm to me ..I just need to know if this at all makes sense ?? what so ever and what does not!! thank-you  D. I trust you and value your mind and experiences in life hope this isn't just way to much for you I realize its alot to ingest.....        I am grateful today that I survived and have no other choice but to have blind faith in there is a reason for me on earth what the hell else is left  lol???? much love my friend  ----------✪✪✪✪✪✪✪

Author's Note

please excuse grammar, spelling, run on sentences, all together sacredness and any confusion this just flew out and i cant seem to send it ?? I feel like maybe some of the beautiful minds I have found here can help me ???

Reviews

[Irenic]

a very emotional write. Very nicely written piece.

[Goat]

This a nice write! I must ask, was it really an email to someone? If it is you should definitely hit send if it isn't too late. This story contained some very nice deep thoughts I myself have pondered a lot. Good job!