Message for a Son

All is not as it seems. Don't worry, you'll get a nice twist at the end.

Here, it is mostly dark, there is plenty of other light to be found. The people where I live stroll around without a care in the world. In this place, people can do anything and have anything without consequence. Yes, they can do whatever they want.

Because anyone who lives here is guaranteed to be a good person.

It is so peaceful here--everyone is so happy and stress-free. The waves lap at the shore, and the sand is perfectly warm. The houses are nice and the people are nicer.

Paradise, basically.

Right now, the sun beats down on my back.

Not painfully, but a dull, lulling brush of its warm fingertips against my skin.

A cool glass of nectar juice sits next to me. They call it the drink of the Gods. I have to admit, it does taste absolutely amazing. I could probably go by without ever drinking anything else again. Alright, well, that’s rather exaggerated, but probably for most of eternity.

I watch as my servants rush back and forth like a bunch of worker bees.

It’s quite amazing.

And best of all--I don’t have to pay a penny. Yup. Completely free--a small reward for my accomplishments. I live in a mansion of a house with tons of servants and all the lavish foods and luxuries I could imagine.

I can have this as long as I want.

Forever, if I wish it.

Right now, I am on the beach just relaxing. It’s my favorite part of the day--it makes me feel so happy. So alive.

I am drifting off into a nice nap when I hear the sound of sandals slapping the sand a few feet away, getting nearer. I open one eye and am surprised to find an old friend.

“Hermes, is it?”

“Oh ho, look what we have here. Lazing about are we?” He smirks, knowing I can lazy about all I want and not lose anything.

“It’s more of some catching up on relaxation time from my old life,” I sigh.

Hermes fakes a frown. “You know I was just poking fun,” he says, somewhat dimmed. The frown doesn’t last, though. He breaks into a bright, sunlit smile and says, “Well you better be loving it all. It doesn’t get much better than this.”

“Mmm, well said,” I reply after a sip of my nectar juice. “What brings you here today?”

“What? Oh yes, just general check up.” He shrugs.

“Check up? You know I’m perfectly healthy,” I kid.

He rolls his eyes in reply. “You know, the other kind. How you like this place. See if you have everything. Yadah, yadah, yadah; you know.”

“Right. I’m assuming you know the answer. Who sent you?”

“The old man.”

“Who, Zeus?” I ask absentmindedly as I pour him a glass of juice.

He takes it, nodding his thanks. “No, the other old guy.”

“Oh, Hades.”

After a sip: “Right.”

I make a face. “Why him? He never cares for us.”

He shrugs. “Change of heart?”

“Guy’s got no heart,” I grumble. After a beat, I change the subject. “So next job is?”

“Well I gotta check up on ‘em all first. Then I’ll go ask the big guy is he wants anything.”

“I see.” A beat. “So how’s my kid doing?” I ask tentatively. It brings back some painful memories.

“He’s doing alright. Getting by, per se. He’s got himself a girlfriend.”

I manage a distant smile. “That’s my boy.”

“She’s cute,” Hermes shrugs.

“Hey, you better not be hitting on my son’s girlfriend.” I tease.

“You know she’s too low class for me. I gotta get some Aphrodite level,” he jokes back.

A silence fills the space between us for a second. “Does he miss me?”

“Yeah. You seems to be a lot of his motivation.” He doesn’t meet my eyes.

“Oh,” is all I can get out.

“He wonders where you are. He hopes you’re happy.”

“Oh.”

“Ahem. Well, I better get going,” he says to break the awkwardness.

“Last thing,” I blurt, mustering my willpower. “Let him know, will you? That she killed me. That I’m dead and that I’m in Elysium of all places and perfectly happy. That… I wish him the best.”

Hermes nods.

Elysium. Heaven of the Underworld. Yes, might as well enjoy it.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Your very short story is just the right length for this kind of website & the shorter attention spans that prevail here. You've done a good job of showing us the heavenly surroundings using solid description & well-fashioned dialogue. The twist at the end isn't mind-blowing, but nicely subtle.

The heavenly descriptions are a little one-dimensional . . . could be pumped up a bit to exaggerate the idea that he's in heaven. Example: "stroll around without a care in the world" (cliché) . . . I encourage you to dig deep & say this in a more surprising & evocative way . . . "stroll around admiring the leaping lizards & vibrating rainbow displays" (just a lame example, but you get the idea). Since you're contrasting this heavenly situation with the final reveal of this being the underworld, why not have fun & exercise some abandon of earthly constraints when you describe how this place looks, feels, smells, sounds, & tastes. How does that nectar taste, by the way? This is a solid story that needs some ZING! An injection of wild-a*s crazy talk, perhaps!?!?!? (((HUGS)))

[5hade5layer]

This really helpful! Thank you so much! Your reviews always help me realize things I wouldn't have myself.

[AUU]

1. "The sun beats down on my back." This line makes it sound as though your character is lying down on his stomach. Is he? Just a nitpick.

2. I like that you call it "nectar" juice, but I can't help but wonder what kind of nectar it is. You might have been coy on purpose to let the reader's imagination go with it, and that's cool, but there's something to be gained by illustrating the nectar more.

3. So I like how easily it slips into the Greek God's mythos. When I first began, I was imagining some lazy one-percenter enjoying the beach.

5. "...hitting on my son's girlfriend." The language IS throwing me through a loop. Upon learning that this is about Greek gods, I was expecting language that sounds a bit older. The character's voices sound modern to me. I say this full knowing there are stories out there with Greek gods existing in present time. So that could be one of those stories. If so, ignore the nitpick.

6. "Gotta get some Aphrodite level." Again this line sounds a bit modern. Not wrong of course if that's what you want.That said, I can see you did your research. Hermes is considered a younger god, so it makes sense that he might be a little immature.

Over all I liked it. It was short, which isn't a bad thing. I could see some broad strokes being painted with the overall plot, which leaves some questions for the reader to chomp at as the continue with the story: 1.The character is dead. How did he die?, 2. He takes jobs from Greek Gods. What kind of jobs?

I do think you were a little light on the detail...like describing this guy's "heaven." I would understand if it was a creative choice, but it left me wanting.

The dialogue flows nicely, albeit the POV and Hermes' voice kind of get muddled together. There's a slight difference between them, but over all they sound kind of the same.

Keep it up.

[5hade5layer]

Thank you so much for all your feedback! I really appreciate your detailed critique, as it really helps me see what I can improve on. I did attempt to have this world be a sort of Percy Jackson vibe--a lot more chill. Of course, there is such thing as going overboard, so I will be careful. Also, I do tend to leave out details, so I will definitely go back and fix it. Again, thank you for taking time to go through my work!

[AUU]

No problem. You write well.